Tag Archives: single

I’m Awake

While you stay sleeping.

Is the start of my most recent sad/pathetic poem I wrote, because I am nothing if not a stereotype.
Some other recent pieces of work have titles such as:

“The Walls that Say Nothing”
“That Night”
To call it cringe worthy would be an understatement.
Funny that my poems mention nothing about almost peeing in my neighbors bushes, which is the true highlight of the whole thing.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have fallen for The Boy Next Door.

No, but like literally his door is right next to mine and he sleeps feet away in the room next to mine.

I didn’t see it coming and had you told me that one day I’d wake up, devestated that he doesn’t want to discuss the foundation of our blossoming relationship, I would have LAUGHED and told you that you were the dumbest shit person alive.

Two weeks ago at a packed bar one night me and Boy Next Door have the most PG drunk hookup you’ve ever been bored enough to consider.

Like we’re talking long hugs and hand holding, which was  hotter than a drunk and  sweaty make out sesh, yes it’s baffling.
Then there’s me the next day, waking up with all the feels for a boy that I think I ignored the day before. Because i was eating?

We cross paths for the first time since “the night” and I watch myself  in slow motion putting my hand on his shoulder and saying “hey” as sultry as I know how.

Because it’s totally mutual right? I mean he hugged me,  held hands with me and was all about me, so…….

It’s like I’ve learned nothing from my own god damn blog.

In short, there was nothing returned and it was never spoke of again.  A Very Short Tale of Two People Who Never Had Sex. The End!

That night I couldn’t sleep a wink. Every peaceful YouTube video of harps and piano chords could not drown out the overwhelming anger I had at the person lying feet away.

I was also pretty angry with myself truthfully. To become such an idiot in such a short amount of time, I basically realized he was alive two days ago, how about we calm down.

The next night I decided to come at my inability to sleep with a new strategy. Sleeping pills and and cough syrup usually lend me down the road to obscure and terrifying nightmares, so I went with beer.

Arrived at a bar and requested  ever so daintily “whatever has the most alcohol”
and drank whatever she gave me pretty damn fast.

I am at a liquor store not even an hour and a half later picking up the biggest bottle of the highest percentage IPA there is in the store, it’s time to stop fucking around.

My new plan is to chug it in my car outside my house, because I can’t let Boy Next Door see me openly binge drinking, he’ll want to drink with me because we’re just two bros, having a cold one.
Hmm large beer, no bottle opener. I try and fail and now have two forever scars on my right index finger.

Buy a bottle opener because none of my friends are awake or helpful or as panicked about sleep as me, and get into my car and then drive it just down the block a little bit to comfortably sit in the dark next to a not too lit up neighbors house, thinking here we go I’ll just get to enjoy my beer and listen to some tunes.

What I didn’t know was how soon into this I’d have to pee.
Imagine being so determined that you have to pound a beer in order to sleep, but also  that your bladder is equally as determined not to drown. This is a battle of wills!

 

Now in reality I have peed in public probably five times. I’ve peed outside a bar at 3am, the front lawn of my college, a back alley and what my hazy memory tells me was the side of a hookah shop.

Needless to say I’m no stranger to it, but on a quiet residential? I’m technically not even drunk yet and never peed outside while stil in full reign of my mental faculties. I like to think that if I was trying to recall peeing somewhere in the open, that at least I could claim having very little memory of it. Oh the parking lot of jack in the box! That was the other one.

So anyways I circle some neighbors bushes for two minutes before realizing that I’ am way too sober for this, drive my car back down the street up to the house, chugged  the remaining 3/4 of the beer and ran.

When I was unlocking the front door, in the most pain of life, I remember being grateful that all the appeal that he had had for me was dead probably  the second he had walked back to his room that night, because me peeing my pants on our porch was only going to help solidify the fact that we’d never have sex in this lifetime.

Made it into the house, peed for an abnormally long period of time, tiptoed to my room and passed out probably from the exhilaration of being the biggest “badass” ever, if the term badass has changed over the years,  and now means “drinks alone in cars” then yes I am a poster child of that.

One positive that has come out of this, I was catalyzed to officially end things with One Night Stand Guy, who I’ve slept with a handful of times over the past few months while wishing on stars that I could develop feelings for him, but then failing  to remember to text him back for the sixth time that week.

Part of ending things with him last week was that  I didn’t want to be a shitty person and string him along anymore, since now I was feeling strung along and equally shitty.

The other reason is simply this: I could not  make feelings happen by sheer will of wanting them to.

In the span of one night I had now uncontrollable infatuation for Boy Next Door, yet I’ve been hoping crazy attraction for One Night Stand guy would one day just appear because he is cute and smart and super into me.

This for me was more of a you-can’t-control-who-you-are-attracted-to-even-though-it-would-be-way-fucking-easier-kind of lesson. And it’s annoying.

I will now return to the poem I was writing about soap and crying trees, wish me luck!

lets call her Kyla

A name I made up for the girl who ripped out my heart after buying me a beer.

This isn’t true actually, she’s actually extremely lovely and extremely hot and really should be dating more of an Instagram model type so I bare no hard feelings because I’m pretty sure my gym membership is just decoration for my key chain, is my credit card even on file over there?

I will say that the several weeks of texting Kyla and the one date we had was so great that I can’t even be mad that it’s over, because I’m just so glad it happened.

After that one amazing date of extreme attraction (my end) and some minimal attraction (her end) and a lot of similar interests/topics (feminism, saving animals, roommates who don’t know proper wine etiquette, lack of time for reading, and of course lastly, parents who would rather tell their friends that you dropped out of school to start a jewelry shop on Etsy then explain that you date girls now), we wrapped up our date that had started at a restaurant and migrated to a bar, and I told her I would text her tomorrow.

Kyla and I texted for two more days before ultimately she never responded, but within that two days my brain was going haywire. I was so into her and I started secretly PLANNING little dates (in my head) that we could go on.

These weren’t like good plans like where you have venues, and people hiding, and where I have to show up an hour before, but the kind of planning where you’re thinking about the time of day you should take her, would it be too cold to take her there at night? Should it be a surprise? Like on Hitch where he provides a wetsuit for her when he takes her to that island? How hard would it be to bring up in conversation what size she wears? And then you’re kind of shocked with yourself even that you want to do this many activities willingly AND that you are excited about them. I thought of six different dates I could take Kyla on and it’s just so crazy this all coming from the person who takes so little action in relationships ever, and let me just tell you about these six dates, please?

1. A hike on the trail near my house. I would tell her to wear running shoes and I would bring water bottles for us and pack a bowl of chopped up fruit for us to nibble on underneath a tree for a break that we both (me) need.

2.Finding a place to go wine tasting in her neck of the woods, near where she is going to grad school. I would take her there and then that could become a spot we might go to when I come out to her area so she doesn’t have to drive as far but we have a place to hang out.

3. I actually recently obtained a picnic basket and blanket and was like um hello third date starter pack.

4. Going to the nearby park to kick around a soccer ball and and then afterwards go to the little restaurant around the corner for a late lunch, this girl is pretty outdoorsy I don’t know if you’re picking up on that.

5. Getting a tiny bit fancy and going to a play downtown. Preferably something with some feminist undertones or maybe even written by a lesbian!

6. This last plan came to me from the far crevasses of my most mushy romantic self, I call it “Candle Lit Everything” which is essentially taking the notion of a candle lit dinner and adding cocaine and you have no actual lights used because everything is candles, and then you make the food you’re serving her look like candles, and then you ask her if you want to celebrate her birthday early because um hello candles, and then you sing “beeeee my guest, be my guest…” such as the candle sings from beauty and the beast and then your date excuses herself to the bathroom and you hear her calling a cab outside.

All this to demonstrate, sometimes you just wanna woo a girl, ya know?

So anyways yes she is gone, yes I am sad, but more then that I am excited by the idea that another date could be as good as this one. Maybe I could even become good at dating? I think that’s kind of a stretch seeing as how I just confessed to fantasizing about singing this girl a Disney song surrounded by small flames, but who knows! Maybe I’ll learn to sing!

is my instagram hot enough?

Words I never thought I’d utter. Well technically I didn’t utter them I thought them, but I suppose writing it down here for the viewing of others could be considered an utterance? Ugh now I’m thinking about cows.

I suppose I’ll say that I never thought that I’d be taking a deeper look into my own social media, and  myself asking the question: is this hot enough?

It hadn’t occurred to me that my Instagram account or any social media platform could sway the odds of getting texts from a boy (I really want to quote the Hunger Games here, but notice my restraint) and I’m still not sure it really does but….

Regardless, I’m concerned.

I found evidence of this theory by way of the new Jordan Sparks song “Double Tap” which illustrates the importance of a “hot Instagram”, and her video provides a quick guide on obtaining boyfriends by taking videos of yourself smiling, and then laughing, and then smiling.

Perhaps I could make myself a second Instagram account in which I compile masses of only the best pictures of myself, so boys know that yes my hair does shine like gold whether I’m inside or outside (thanks IG filters) and I can look to the side, or straight! I’m so complex and symmetrical.

In reality I’m not going to do anything at all and I’ll be changing zero things about my Instagram or any other form of social media because trying to impress a guy at the bar that night and then taking a picture and posting it the following morning to keep him impressed makes me feel tired.

And how do I keep that up? Eventually he would see me without makeup right? I’m just assuming, maybe there is actually a way to blind him temporarily each night until you put your foundation on in the morning, maybe like a flashlight that you shine in his eyes and that also deletes his memory, of you shining a flashlight in his eyes.

Anyways back to how this Instagram stuff all came up, I met a boy at a club, we exchanged numbers, talked the next day, he asked what my Instagram account was, I told him, and then,

radio silence.

Suddenly he has a car problem now and ends his text with “maybe next time”

Message received my friend.

I guess pictures of my breakfast, cats, books, and that one where I’m in the back of that car in a beanie just didn’t do it for him. Ugh why didn’t I post more pictures of dogs, ALL IS LOST

Luckily I have a delicious breakfast plus the Instagram feeds of many cat lovers to catch up on and you know that Jordan Sparks song is actually quite catchy, try watching the video too maybe, but don’t video yourself doing the smiling, laughing and than smiling again because that’s hers.

fantasy cloud

I have been in deep mourning all afternoon (drinking lots of wine, listening to some of Miguel’s softer songs) over a boy, but yes just like every story I ever tell he has minimal idea who I am and conversations we’ve had are mostly pleasantries.

Basically I’m the worst that I subject people to stories about what goes on in my mind with these strangers, but if you do feel like being subjected then remember Hudson from my last post? He was a crush potential that was forming after my online date went flat.

Yesterday Hudson arrived at my work after about three weeks of being gone. Gone on a trip? I have no idea but he hasn’t been there. Naturally me being me I presumed our reunion would come with an explanation of his absence, a heartfelt greeting, and the resuming of our natural chat. Instead he ignored me, and got everything he needed as quickly as possible and left.

My mind formed several conclusions, starting out extreme and ending with acceptance. He hates me. He literally loathes me. He hasn’t come in in three weeks specifically to avoid me. He figured out that I liked him and now he doesn’t want to talk to me. He doesn’t care about not seeing me.

Or maybe he isn’t as interested in me as I thought he was.

BINGO.

The fall out of hypothetical relationships is the worst because only you yourself knows that you’re heartbroken, and how do you talk to your friends about a love that blossomed in your mind but only in your mind?

My roommate consequently same time is going through actual stuff with her ex-boyfriend. Should she cut the ties? Should she keep a friends with benefits thing going? Should she see other people?

Meanwhile my moral dilemma looks more like; Why doesn’t he come in anymore? Does he like my coworker more than me? Why didn’t he wave back at me?

Huge difference in the actuality of actual things happening in her scenario versus what I perceive to be taking place in mine.

Even look at the words used for the roommates boy problem. I used the word “should” because there will be a decision or action of some kind, where as with my problem I use the word “why” which dictates I’m simply throwing out questions to the wind. Asking questions to myself because there will be no decision about them, no plan of action. Hudson and I will continue to make pleasantries for awhile to come, while yet my mind accumulates more and more “why”‘s about our very basic customer service relationship.

God I sound crazy.

Lately I’ve really been missing the mark with boys, like more than usual. Everything I’ve assumed, I’ve been wrong about.

Take a newer crush that I took on in the almost month long period that Hudson was absent. This crush was a barista, not the most attractive ever but he did talk to me and was sweet and seemed interested, and I very quickly made that coffee shop a regular part of my after work routine.

Two things I assumed: He was single and that him giving me a free coffee that one time meant something.

Cut to me at his coffee shop the following week spotting him at a small table in the back, holding hands and talking with his girlfriend over a cup of coffee, which he probably gave her for free also.

At this point now I’ve lost the barista (who I never had) and I have no Hudson, and then top it off with the coworker I thought had a crush on me, quits for a new job, and first thing he does is text the most annoying female at my work. Clearly I know nothing about anything.

My realization in the midst of this is that I have no grasp on when people actually have feelings for others because I fantasize that there are feelings everywhere and between everyone. How do you know if feelings are actually there and not just in your imagination?

What are relationships in reality even like? In my reality nothing happens,which is the part I can’t stand. Do any other dreamers or INFPs relate to this? I feel like I’m just now poking my head out of my cloud for a brief second and looking around, just curious before I disappear back into fantasy land. If someone walks past me as I stand next to the door of my cloud – which is half open because I’m ready to run back inside it – maybe I’ll ask, maybe I’ll ask about relationships.

A person does walk by and I dip into my question about relationships. I’m scared the person will tell me I have to ask someone out, and I’m even more terrified they’ll give me a list of things I have to do to get a guy. The person begins to get a little long winded so I’m looking down the hallway of my cloud door looking for another person to ask or at least interrupt this one.

As I’m forced to listen to this person because no one else is walking by to save me, and I’m not quite ready to disappear back into my cloud with out at least getting some sort of vague answer, I realize everything this person has been talking about is real. Like stuff the person and their partner talk about or do or say or have done or have said. They actually did things.

It all sounds real and I’m not sure I even like it because it sounds like there can be like conflict or something? And everything isn’t a rainbow? I feel unsure still as I thank the person and step back inside my cloud of fantasy and idealism where it is safe, but I sort of hope I venture out again sometime.

why 2014 was so wonderful despite having zero dates

If 2014 had a hand, I would shake it. Probably too enthusiastically, while misty eyed with gratitude.

2014 would probably try to pretend they had an errand to run or an appointment they had to get to, to rid themselves of the outpouring of all my affection, but I can’t help myself. 2014 I love you!

It won’t make sense to you I’m sure, I had not one date for the whole year. Not ONE. What?

But seriously, who gives a fuck? This year has been sensational. Yes I lived with my parents and than a stripper but now I live with my best friends and no strippers!

A handful of weeks before 2014 was over, the nonprofit I’ve been working part-time for asked me to go full time with them. I have loved the work I’ve been doing with them for the past year and I think the contentment I felt with being a part of their team has overridden some of the more negative things of this year, like moving out my belongings at night while my stripper roommate was out, well stripping.

In 2014 I discovered I was an infp through the myers-briggs personality test and then through learning about my infp-ness I have found all my crazy and misunderstood, understood!I no longer blame myself for not thinking the way others do, especially when it comes to romance. I also readily accept that I oftentimes prefer the pretend relationships that go on in my head over the real ones – is that zero date thing making more sense now?

Thinking back on everything though, it blows my mind how that terrible job I took in 2013 that moved me back here led me to my current job. It blows my mind that it took living with a stripper to force me to move in with one of my best friends and my ex, and now I couldn’t imagine anything I wanted more. Well besides a cat, I really want a cat.

2014 just makes me feel lucky. Like I’m the prettiest girl in the ballroom and Mr. Darcy noticed me lucky.

The last date I was on was that guy from the wedding, do you remember? He lives on the east coast now. He made the decision to go there minutes after our date ended. He was on a plane by that evening. I hear he has a beard now.

I want to tell 2014 again how much I love them but I fear they are going to begin blocking my calls. I have enjoyed our time spent together and I just hope they know that.

(2014 you my main bisch)

28 Steps to Imaginary Romance in the Workplace

1. Pick out a straight and unattached male coworker (if you are a straight female) who is perpetually single.

2. Start out shy and slightly untrusting around your SMC (Single Male Coworker) so he has to work a little harder at getting to know you.

3. Ask for him to get you things occasionally and then thank him ever so sweetly, so he knows you have a less standoffish side.

4. Slowly began teasing him so he knows you’re clever and enjoy witty banter.

5. Banter with him a LOT.

6. Do NOT talk about the fact that you don’t have a boyfriend but do mention to a female coworker in front of your SMC that a passing male stranger is attractive. This allows jealousy to stir naturally.

7.Allow your SMC to tell you about his female crushes/random dates but do not get overly excited for him. You want to be a confidant but not a bro.

8. Do occasional thoughtful things for your SMC but then make sure to get embarrassed or shy if he brings attention to them or thanks you.

9. If your SMC takes a joke too far at your expense make sure to appear wounded and or hurt and then pretend to try to act normal. He will see through your pretending not to be hurt but he won’t see that you were pretending to be hurt to begin with. He will feel bad and want to make it up to you and this will also ensure that he knows you have a vulnerable side.

10. Get sloppy drunk at some kind of work event and plant a kiss on his cheek. This simple act that is never spoken of again will keep some hope a glow on his side that despite your attempts to keep him at a distance, you’re slowly letting your guard down.

11. Begin to laugh and smile more in his presence. He is breaking through your icy exterior!

12. Share a little more about your family and tell him when a friend hurts your feelings but continue to restrict social media so he doesn’t have unlimited access to you.

13. Implement physical touch with your SMC before and after he goes on a trip. There should already be some sexual tension by this point so make sure the contact affirms it.

14. Begin to compliment your SMC’s outfits, trendy new haircuts, and eye-wear to establish that you are noticing more things about him. Do not be concerned when these compliments aren’t reciprocated.

15. Tease him about liking a female coworker that the two of you work with until he cracks and blurts out something to the effect of “SHE is not the one I like!” and then let him text you that it’s you later on that night.

16. Continue to wait for him to crack about liking you and not the other coworker. Make sure to convince yourself that his silences are due to him being too afraid to say he likes you and not because he is getting pretty annoyed at being repeatedly teased about the other coworker over and over.

17. Begin to drunk text him occasionally. Make sure the texts are mostly stupid and sometimes unintelligible so he has no clue how to respond.

18. Over react about your SMC’s failure to respond to your drunk texts. Bring up the texts with him at work and learn that he had forgotten you had texted him. Hear all about his date with a girl he met on Tinder.

19. Desperately try to initiate more physical touch. Come up with reasons the two of you should hug like you haven’t seen him for a day and a half and or he gets something off the top shelf for you.

20. Yearn obviously for his attention even when other coworkers are present. Witness their embarrassed looks thrown in your direction, you’ve lost your mind now there is no going back.

21. Send your SMC a text and then when he answers don’t respond back. Keep up the silence until the two of you are back at work. Manage to slip into conversation that you didn’t even read his answer to your question the other day. Your nonchalance and indifference must be killing him which is why he keeps talking about this tinder date to make you jealous.

22. Spend and extra thirty minutes Christmas shopping as you try to pick out a small gift for him. Something that symbolizes everything and nothing at the same time.

23. Stalk his social media but refuse to follow him. Look for clues that he is falling in love with you.

24. Lie awake at night using verses of different Top 40 songs to depict the complexity of your relationship with your SMC. Fall back on the Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez if your SMC seemed especially un-talkative that day, or brings up having the tinder girl over to meet his parents.

25. Wear an extra short skirt to work one day, but then a more tomboy outfit the next, to show that you’re super hot but also cool. Wear the short skirt and a tomboy look on top to prove that you’re sexy but not even trying.

26. Ignore warning signs that you’ve begun to self destruct.

27. Color your hair lighter because he prefers blondes

28. Paint a watercolor picture of the two of you at work together and hang it up above your bed to look at before you go to sleep.

Do Nots #1

At your married friend’s birthday dinner…..

Do not get hung up on the fact that your ex-coworker, who was dating a beautiful blonde girl several months ago, shows up to this friends birthday dinner with now a beautiful blonde boy. Do not think to yourself “Well fine go ahead and take ALL the attractive golden haired people then” as you hug the coworker because she will certainly feel the envy radiating off your body. Try also, to not grimace when the blonde boy speaks up a half hour later and reveals that he and your ex co-worker are already talking about babies.

Don’t be alarmed and look for exits when everybody gets real excited about that blonde beauty’s wanting to have babies throwout by the way. The girl sitting next to your ex-coworker is already pregnant and the girl on the other side of her is hoping to be, and this is basically the equivalent of a pizza place opening up next to a college student apartment complex, it’s basically mass hysteria and chaos. Maybe just know where the exits are.

Do not by any means feel comfortable enough to share with a smaller section of the table down at the end, about your ridiculous and surprisingly emotional reaction to Benedict Cumberbatch’s engagement. Everyone at the other end of the table will conclude talking about all the activities they did over the weekend with their real life partners, just in time to hear that upon receiving the news you slammed shut every door in the house, said “fuck him” audibly, and then actually cried in the car on the way to work. They will not understand how a celebrity’s love life could effect your morning so catastrophically and neither will you.

Do not be thrown by the fact that your recently out Ex told you in the car on the way to this dinner, that he has two Match dates lined up this week with two very good looking men. Don’t ask to see pictures of them before you get to the restaurant because the pictures will affirm that yes these men are hot and that information will only serve to irritate you.

Do not order a beer at dinner when the rest of the table orders water. Do not ask for a second beer before dinner arrives. You will quickly set yourself up as the only single person there and the only single person there who doesn’t have upcoming coffee dates with beautiful men. Scratch what I said, order four beers.

Do not outwardly judge your married friends when they want to buy ANOTHER dog. As if your Instagram feed isn’t plagued with enough pictures of their current dog. Embrace the buying of a second dog because it will stave off the probability of them trying to conceive a child, which would make dinners in which friends can meet up and drink beers at least twice a year, a once every two years affair.

Offer maybe even to watch their dog(s) also, when they are out of town. There is a 90% chance they will ask you anyway due to your penchant to spend nights alone with a bottle of wine, as well as there is a 90% chance they will become hyper focused on showing you exactly what proportions of not-too-cold but not-too-hot water their animal(s) need and will then forget to hide their good liquor in a locked cabinet.

Do not, I repeat, Do NOT be upset when you are not asked questions about how your life is going. This is the highest award you could ever receive, the greatest blessing that could ever be bestowed upon someone single in a group setting, surrounded by couples.

Lastly, do not leave this dinner as quickly as possible with the excuse that you have to wake up before 6am the next day and then really just go home to have three more beers and watch Sleeping Beauty.

I mean who is going to believe you’re waking up before 6? Just say you work early.