Wait…so you don’t want to get drunk off cheap wine and talk about how hot the guys are on random game shows?… I don’t understand.
Oh married friends, I’m starting to sense the parting of our ways.
Is it time to let them go? Or maybe I need to get my shit together?…nah, the time thing.
Left my to-be-married-in-like-three-months friends house just a couple moments ago and said to myself wow I think they barely survived that, and by that I mean hanging out with my single friend and I who basically dropped F bombs left and right (mostly me), drank wine out of the bottle (mostly her), reenacted the night my parents called me an alcoholic (all me), and discussed the hot or not people on TV (both of us).
I didn’t mean to overwhelm this happily engaged pair,but I guess it had just been awhile since they had hung out with the two of us at the same time, while we consumed alcohol.
What triggered this spontaneous hangout in the first place was my best friends wedding this weekend. The almost married couple attended and caught up with my friend and I, and then texted us to hang out two days later.
Maybe they forgot what we are like or perhaps thought we had matured. It’s possible that they do not even realize that they have in fact changed and act one hundred percent married. They’re so believable that I even wondered if they had cheated and read their vows to one another. Maybe one of them had their mom go online and become sanctioned (is that even what it’s called?) and she officiated (is that right either?) them as man and wife right there in the kitchen.
I’m really not sure what they were expecting when inviting us over. I’m still single and now unemployed, did you think I’d be LESS drunk?
I would like to believe that the two of them just outgrew me, and it’s not that I’ve become any less hilarious. Or maybe the ways in which I used to be outrageously funny are now ridiculous to them due to their more sedentary,and well lets face it, boring lifestyles.
I suppose filling my wine glass to the brim and loudly telling stories using wild hand motions doesn’t make me anyone’s ideal guest but doesn’t my cynicism, foul language, sexual innuendos, and overall inappropriate behavior make me a form of entertainment, if you will?
Perhaps I used to be, but at this stage in this soon to be wed couples life maybe they are looking for a source of entertainment a tad more sophisticated than what I can bring to the table.
Hats off to them for wanting to grow up a little. Maybe I’ll find new friends in the section where they sell that ridiculous cheap wine I keep purchasing.
I’m sure many of my friends are expecting to find me in a ditch one of these mornings, an empty bottle of rum in my hand with some broken ribs, possibly wearing flannel. Maybe I’ll have stolen a car from some teenagers but then one of their moms will get in her SUV and come chase me down. She’ll kick me in the stomach after I kind of accidentally fall in the ditch, due to the rum and all. I don’t really know where the flannel comes in but when I picture myself in a ditch I just see myself wearing flannel.
This is sort of a strange fantasy to be playing out but if the people I knew thought this was a plausible event right now I wouldn’t blame them, because as of last week I am now unemployed.
Unemployment on top of having recently moved back in with my parents on top of living in my hometown on top of my best friend getting married in a week on top of having recently been dumped by someone twice my age on top of my sister and best friend both being pregnant on top of Sarah Simmons being voted off The Voice.
Okay I guess the last one wasn’t that serious but I think you get the drift that basically my life is getting all shitty while the lives of those around me increasingly attractive.
However, instead of standing creepily outside highschools drinking my rum in my flannel shirt and waiting for kids to walk to the most expensive cars I have decided to reside in this place called the land of options.
I stumbled upon this land the day after I quit my job. My family and I had dinner at Logan’s Roadhouse, I had never been but apparently you can throw peanuts on the ground? Sure, always a good time throwing peanuts on the ground. Anyhow the waiters were super nice and I noticed there were lots of hot guys working there. I told my dad “I should see if they’re hiring” and my dad goes “Sure! Why not?”. I thought about it more that day, that statement: “Sure!Why not?” and thought wow, I could literally do anything.
Now I haven’t lost my mind or anything. I DO realize I can’t just do anything, but I do feel this sense of freedom that I’m not held down to anything. I do not have to stay in a job I can’t stand to support a family nor am I tied down to a company or particular career track.
So as I’m coming up on 25 years old in a couple of months,I’m aware that this is the age where some people are settling into grown up jobs or starting families. Well, I guess I’m not “some people.” Instead I’m going to be that girl, waking up on the day of her 25th birthday thinking, what’s today going to be?
So no ditches for me quite yet, lets just enjoy this fleeting moment of not being tied down, while I still can.
The odds were stacked against me, but I went dancing on Friday.
I had been craving it for a couple of days, just a night to let loose. To bust out some obscene dance moves and get really sweaty and to sing along with T-pain as loudly as possible. In summary, embarrass myself and others with me.
I got the text about my girls going out when I was at work already and I had of course chose that day to wear a baseball t-shirt to work. Literally a baseball t-shirt…on a Friday, I know amateur status over here.
So my dearest friend stops by my house to pick up some “clubbing shirts.” Now that is friendship.
Everything at work decides to swing into madness about an hour before I’m off work. Supposed to be off at 11:00pm and instead I start the paperwork at 11:03pm to document the said madness. I was in the parking lot of my work at 11:30pm sitting in my car, drained and tired, knowing I had to drive twenty minutes out still to get to the bar. I sat there debating for about thirty seconds when suddenly I just said out loud…
Keys are in the ignition and I’m speeding through the intersection. Make it to the bar around 11:45pm, show my id, see my friends on the dance floor, and immediately am grateful that I started driving. I think T-pain was on when I walked in. Fate guys.
Ten minutes later I’m in my club shirt ordering a drink.
Four minutes later me with said drink, in said club shirt, are out on the dance floor grinding on everyone I know.
I honestly didn’t want to be anywhere near a guy. I just wanted to get down with all my main girls and them watch them try to drunkenly flirt with guys who are spilling beer all over themselves trying to flirt back. Lets get messy, because life is too short to pretend that were classy.
The entire evening was beautiful, or my version of beautiful anyway. One of my friends found a cardboard cut out of a girl holding beers I think, and that poor piece of cardboard just got violated in every possible way. Not to mention a metal bar that held up the speakers that I basically used as my own personal stripper pole.
Walked out of that bar before 2am, covered in sweat, smelling like cigarettes and smiled the whole way home.
Still dancing as I brushed my teeth. Thanks Friday, I needed that.
You are all going to be shocked, and probably a few of you dismayed but…
I like Valentine’s Day.
Twenty four years, never one date on Valentine’s Day. EVER. Not once. Zero.
But despite lack of ever having a Valentine on the day that it is important to have one, I still genuinely enjoy the holiday for the most part, as well as I have never been bothered at the fact that it’s a consumer holiday blah blah blah feminism blah blah blah…
I do not care a bit that the cards are obnoxious and people wear red and I didn’t get flowers sent to my work. Really the only sad part about the day is seeing couples together and then wishing you had someone to peck on the cheek after he buys you a white mocha.
Being single for twenty four years has never taught me to hate this holiday. Usually friends or family feel a tingy bit bad for me and there are presents to be had! My roommates last year made me hand made cards and my parents sent me a card in the mail with money in it (winning) as well as all the candy that just appears effortlessly everywhere and is mine for the taking, because who is going to tell the single girl that she cant have more chocolate?
Answer: NO ONE.
Also Valentine’s day is a perfectly acceptable day to get drunk. Other days people judge you. Like shit isn’t it Wednesday? Why are you wasted? Oh my gosh “Wasted Wednesdays” how have I never thought of that before…
Anyways so on Valentine’s day you can simply come home from work and get begin drinking around four or five pm, basically it isn’t even evening yet. Instead of the stingy looks from family and roommates shaking their heads with shame you get sympathetic stares and kindly eyes, maybe your brother who has been in a relationship for three years or your roommate with too many dates a week to count will thoughtfully go buy more booze for you before they head out to their romantic dinners.
They’ll even say “No no dear, you don’t need to pay me back, this bottle of vodka is on me okay? You just stay inside and relax.” They know you going out is the worst idea possible. Out alone roaming the streets while happy couples prance about. Better to get the single chick as boozy as possible in the house or apartment and hope she passes out without drunk dialing anyone.
So to sum up so far, we have the guilt of friends and family to supply you with cards, candy, and booze. Not too shabby so far.
And in all honesty, for all you couples out there, buy each other shit tons of gifts and ridiculousness. Why not? It’s a day out of our incredibly busy lives where we remember, oh yeah I’m with someone! It can be easy to forget that you’re lucky to have this person who sticks by your side when you get colds and you blow your nose a bazillion times and you look not even half as good as those pictures of celebrities outside with sweats and no makeup on. There is nothing wrong with a holiday that reminds you to think of someone other than yourself, and that also props you go buy dumb corny cards for someone that you don’t say I Love You to as often as you should.
Even if Hallmark had created this entire holiday for profit I still wouldn’t care. Even if there was no background story of a saint who performed secret marriages, or no cupid to fly around and shoot at people (with arrows), or even if the person who created the holiday in its entirety was in love with his dog I would not care. I would still go buy a goofy card, plant a sloppy kiss on my boyfriends mouth and tell him how happy he makes me.
So for all you V-DAY haters, here is a slightly different perspective from someone chronically single who will probably wake up February 15th delirious and hungover with chocolate smeared on her face and Pride and Prejudice in the dvd player, and still NOT blaming the day that gave me the excuse to do it all.
I’m sure I wont be the only one blogging this phrase “I’m never drinking again” so soon after new years. It appears terribly cliche, but around the world me and countless other women mean it! Well for now we do.
At the moment I feel more shame and humiliation than I thought I knew was possible (for me). I started drinking by myself at a bar at about 5:30pm new years eve in my desperate attempt to not go home to my roommate and her boyfriend who were somewhat determined that I should tag along with them and not stay in the apartment by myself getting wasted on a bottle of wine and sobbing under my bed.
My other single girlfriends had oh so cleverly escaped this fate by going out and finding dates for the evening, I apparently thought myself too independent and awesome for that. Because clearly drinking at a bar by yourself is just the epitome of cool.
So as I was trying to get drunk as quickly as possible when it was barely six pm at a random bar, he walks in. Six feet something, polite and well dressed and SCOTTISH. My thoughts: ooo jackpot.
It really is unfortunate that I do not remember more of our time together because in about three hours from this time I had blacked out. Six gin and tonics can do that to you.
Most unfortunate is that part of this blackout occurred while I was at a bar where I actually knew people. The owner, bartenders, bouncers, everyone. Apparently I suggested to the Scot that we go to this bar where I knew people. If I could go back in time and cuss out my drunken self I would. Apparently at not even 9:15pm I basically mounted the Scot as we were sitting at the bar, in front of all these people I know, and basically never came up for air until we left. The bartender laughingly told me the next day that my feet were practically on the bar as me and the Scot were lost in our passions.
Just picturing this reminds me of just how not hungry I feel right now. Now do not worry, for everything has turned out all right and I made it home safely due to my companions realization of my level of drunkenness, no advantage was taken of me and for that I have to be thankful.
Scot has texted me a few times since, his last text basically stating that I have a drinking problem. My response, had I actually cared enough to respond, would probably have said something to the extent of listen here Scotty, I’m single on New Years Eve and I can’t even get my girlfriends to go out with me, the only proper solution is to be drunk.
For some reason I had figured that being independent on this night was somehow better than admitting I didn’t want to be alone. How I wish I had said “I’ll be there soon” when my roommate called and asked if I would be home soon so me her and her boyfriend could leave for the party. Instead I chose independence, some horrible memories that I don’t remember, and a hangover that was so terrible that I nearly dumped all the alcohol in my apartment in the toilet.
Ladies, independence is admirable but not always the best way to spend your new years. Celebrate new years with people you care about and not those that you will later have to try to forget. Because it’s not nearly as fun to say “I’m never drinking again” unless you have a friend by your side saying the same.
Every once in awhile I think about why I’m still single. I’ll be cleaning dishes and thinking damn, I’m a decent human being….why don’t I have a boyfriend?
Yesterday I was reminded why. I ran from a man.
Just a random man? No in fact one of my customers that I’ve been infatuated with for almost a year now. We bumped into each other on a street corner as I was headed to work, and he was heading to my work for coffee.
I knew that if this ever happened I would do something dumb. Obviously.
As he greets me I’m just staring, I might have nodded once but I don’t actually remember.
Because I don’t remember anything he said. AT ALL. I don’t even know what I was doing during our “conversation”” or what I was thinking at the time, though if I had to guess I’d guess panic.
I do so happen to remember how it ended…because I ran.
Now don’t get upset, I wasn’t just standing there nodding (hopefully?) and then bolted. No I managed to mumble very quickly “I’ll see you at work okay?” before I fast walked/sort of jogged across to the other side of the street instead of going straight towards my store as usual.
Like an absolute ass I walked to my store on a street parallel to the one he was walking on, both of us headed in the direction of my store.
It is perfectly regrettable already but wait there is more. I may have walked incredibly fast the entire time while pretending to be fascinated by my phone in it’s entirety. I was looking so intently at my phone that to others it probably looked as if I was saving someone’s life, like the continuance of our world was based around my answering this very important text message with no time to look up or to the side, but all eyes glued to the screen.
So needless to say, I appeared an ever so self absorbed douche bag who thinks she is saving lives through the power of text messaging.
I think next time I’m cleaning my dishes and rummaging through my thoughts ill remember oh yes, yes indeed I am quite single.