The admin life has left me! Or I have left it! Or we have parted ways only to be reunited once we drop our kids back off to each other at the park! Regardless I am free from the perils of a perfectly nice office environment that I haven’t stopped complaining about for six months, and it feels good!
One of my last required dinners with the office I was tasked with going to the grocery store to find birthday candles, picking up the cake from the bakery, and then bringing it to the restaurant. I spent minutes silently congratulating myself for not dropping the cake as I have the tendency to cast myself in my own movie, as funny and single female protagonist who is genetically clumsy, would usually drop the cake and be now in a tub of self loathing.
So to summarize, I am very excited about my new job! I am now working at a non-profit focused on environmental issues and find myself out in the field talking to other businesses which I enjoy immensely.
Around the time I was preparing for my new job to begin, I re-downloaded a dating app and I saw a girl while browsing, whose place of work had very similar descriptions, to well, mine. She seemed cool and I thought it would be far too coincidental for her to actually be employed at my new job, the odds!
On my first day, my coordinator tells me that there is another employee that I would get along well with, and as she walks toward me I recognized her instantly from the app. I prayed that she hadn’t been on the app in years, like she had created it drunk one night in the middle of a blackout, that the email attached to it isn’t valid now, or she doesn’t even believe in phones!
Everything started off fine with App girl (her christian name) and we got along well. I began to breathe an overly dramatic sigh of relief. Whew! She never saw me on the App, she browsed right on past me. App girl and I then walk into a meeting together and I see her on her phone awhile.
I said inaudibly to myself “wouldn’t it be hilarious if that damn app matched us today? Ha ha.”
So apps hear our thoughts now, they don’t even bother with our scroll history.
Hours later I’m finally opening up the app and what do you know, indeed we’ve been matched, that same day. I instantly feel irritated that I am NOT in a movie, because this, much like dropping a cake in the middle of a street and disappointing a whole work gathering, is movie worthy! It is a romantic comedies bread and butter, it is the girl meeting the guy the night before and then walking into the office and she is his new boss. It is the woman sleeping with a cutie she met at the bar and walking into work to learn that his company has now partnered with hers and the two of them will be working on a new project together. This is the gay equivalent!
So after I wrote four Hollywood worthy plot lines in my head, that I felt like really captured this scenario at it’s most comedic and cliche, I clicked on the essential No Thank You button on the app. It felt like a safer route and I hoped that it would be something her and I could laugh off later. Oh those dating apps, they are so silly and troublesome, why are we on those? (As we say it, we’ll both remember that we complain about the traffic to our fridges when we get home).
My second day at work one of my coordinators informs me that I’ll be attending a training on ethical business practices in Arizona and that I will probably travel there with another person in our department.
Should my eyes look this large when I laugh?
Naturally my travel companion would be app girl.
Weeks later the trip is canceled due to other needs within the department, and now app girl has a very cool and aloof tone and demeanor when she is with me. I have regressed and begun to blame things such as apps for my life’s grievances, but continue to download them and become embarrassed about something I said or did on the app and then call up all my friends and make them listen to the story and repeat.
The app, though all it has brought is drama and nervousness to my life, has been a kind of stability. Feelings re-emerged for boy I tried to hit on one year ago this month and as I get to sit there and listen to him deliver me the jovial story line of the girls he is attempting to date just even in the past couple of months, I like to think that I am also attempting to date, and will also have a colorful anecdote to share that will hopefully shut him up about his love life forever and ever, amen.
Okay and I am just curious, is anyone else completely and irrevocably fucking DONE with some of the App-Profile-Verbage?
If one more guy or girl says they are looking for someone who “likes to try new things” I swear on my life I will pop every beach toy in my pool, string them together in a line, and walk from end to end calling myself Jesus of the Shallow End. IS THIS THE NEW THING YOU WERE HOPING FOR?
Don’t even get me started with the “someone who makes me laugh.” Well damn, I’m only out here to get a scowl or too, this won’t work.
Okay before this tangent gets too long and provokes me further, I want to wish all my other Dating App Users luck, and as for the folks out there doing it in real life, well you are living the dream right now so I don’t need to wish you as much luck, you get to hear them list their hobbies in real time, enjoy!