Tag Archives: #pansexual

A Girl, A Phone, A Romantic Comedy!

The admin life has left me! Or I have left it! Or we have parted ways only to be reunited once we drop our kids back off to each other at the park! Regardless I am free from the perils of a perfectly nice office environment that I haven’t stopped complaining about for six months, and it feels good!

One of my last required dinners with the office I was tasked with going to the grocery store to find birthday candles, picking up the cake from the bakery, and then bringing it to the restaurant. I spent minutes silently congratulating myself for not dropping the cake as I have the tendency to cast myself in my own movie, as funny and single female protagonist who is genetically clumsy, would usually drop the cake and be now in a tub of self loathing.

So to summarize, I am very excited about my new job! I am now working at a non-profit focused on environmental issues and find myself out in the field talking to other businesses which I enjoy immensely.

Around the time I was preparing for my new job to begin, I re-downloaded a dating app and I saw a girl while browsing, whose place of work had very similar descriptions, to well, mine. She seemed cool and I thought it would be far too coincidental for her to actually be employed at my new job, the odds!

On my first day, my coordinator tells me that there is another employee  that I would get along well with, and as she walks toward me I recognized her instantly from the app. I prayed that she hadn’t  been on the app in years, like she had created it drunk one night in the middle of a blackout, that the email attached to it isn’t valid now, or she doesn’t even believe in phones!

Everything started off fine with App girl (her christian name) and we got along well. I began to breathe an overly dramatic sigh of relief. Whew! She never saw me on the App, she browsed right on past me. App girl and I then walk into a meeting together and I see her on her phone awhile.

I said inaudibly to myself “wouldn’t it be hilarious if that damn app matched us today? Ha ha.”

 

ha ha

ha ha….

 

So apps hear our thoughts now, they don’t even bother with our scroll history.

Hours later I’m finally opening up the app and what do you know, indeed we’ve been matched, that same day. I instantly feel irritated that I am NOT in a movie, because this, much like dropping a cake in the middle of a street and disappointing a whole work gathering, is movie worthy! It is a romantic comedies bread and butter, it is the girl meeting the guy the night before and then walking into the office and she is his new boss. It is the woman sleeping with a cutie she met at the bar and walking into work to learn that his company has now partnered with hers and the two of them will be working on a new project together. This is the gay equivalent!

So after I wrote four Hollywood worthy plot lines in my head, that I felt like really captured this scenario at it’s most comedic and cliche, I clicked on the essential No Thank You button on the app. It felt like a safer route and I  hoped that it would be something her and I could laugh off later. Oh those dating apps, they are so silly and troublesome, why are we on those? (As we say it, we’ll both remember that we complain about the traffic to our fridges when we get home).

My second day at work one of my coordinators informs me that I’ll be attending a training on ethical business practices in Arizona and that I will probably travel there with another person in our department.

ha ha….

HA HA

Should my eyes look this large when I laugh?

Naturally my travel companion would be app girl.

Weeks later the trip is canceled due to other needs within the department, and now app girl has a very cool and aloof tone and demeanor when she is with me. I have regressed and begun to blame things such as apps for my life’s grievances,  but continue to download them and become embarrassed about something I said or did on the app and then call up all my friends and make them listen to the story and repeat.

The app, though all it has brought is drama and nervousness to my life, has been a kind of stability. Feelings re-emerged for boy I tried to hit on one year ago this month and as I get to sit there and listen to him deliver me the jovial story line of the girls he is attempting to date just even in the past couple of months, I like to think that I am also attempting to date, and will also have a colorful anecdote to share that will hopefully shut him up about his love life forever and ever, amen.

Okay and I am just curious, is anyone else completely and irrevocably fucking DONE with some of the App-Profile-Verbage?

If one more guy or girl says they are looking for someone who “likes to try new things” I swear on my life I will pop every beach toy in my pool, string them together in a line, and walk from end to end calling myself Jesus of the Shallow End. IS THIS THE NEW THING YOU WERE HOPING FOR?

Don’t even get me started with the “someone who makes me laugh.” Well damn, I’m only out here to get a scowl or too, this won’t work.

Okay before this tangent gets too long and provokes me further, I want to wish all my other Dating App Users luck, and as for the folks out there doing it in real life, well you are living the dream right now so I don’t need to wish you as much luck, you get to hear them list their hobbies in real time, enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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lets call her Kyla

A name I made up for the girl who ripped out my heart after buying me a beer.

This isn’t true actually, she’s actually extremely lovely and extremely hot and really should be dating more of an Instagram model type so I bare no hard feelings because I’m pretty sure my gym membership is just decoration for my key chain, is my credit card even on file over there?

I will say that the several weeks of texting Kyla and the one date we had was so great that I can’t even be mad that it’s over, because I’m just so glad it happened.

After that one amazing date of extreme attraction (my end) and some minimal attraction (her end) and a lot of similar interests/topics (feminism, saving animals, roommates who don’t know proper wine etiquette, lack of time for reading, and of course lastly, parents who would rather tell their friends that you dropped out of school to start a jewelry shop on Etsy then explain that you date girls now), we wrapped up our date that had started at a restaurant and migrated to a bar, and I told her I would text her tomorrow.

Kyla and I texted for two more days before ultimately she never responded, but within that two days my brain was going haywire. I was so into her and I started secretly PLANNING little dates (in my head) that we could go on.

These weren’t like good plans like where you have venues, and people hiding, and where I have to show up an hour before, but the kind of planning where you’re thinking about the time of day you should take her, would it be too cold to take her there at night? Should it be a surprise? Like on Hitch where he provides a wetsuit for her when he takes her to that island? How hard would it be to bring up in conversation what size she wears? And then you’re kind of shocked with yourself even that you want to do this many activities willingly AND that you are excited about them. I thought of six different dates I could take Kyla on and it’s just so crazy this all coming from the person who takes so little action in relationships ever, and let me just tell you about these six dates, please?

1. A hike on the trail near my house. I would tell her to wear running shoes and I would bring water bottles for us and pack a bowl of chopped up fruit for us to nibble on underneath a tree for a break that we both (me) need.

2.Finding a place to go wine tasting in her neck of the woods, near where she is going to grad school. I would take her there and then that could become a spot we might go to when I come out to her area so she doesn’t have to drive as far but we have a place to hang out.

3. I actually recently obtained a picnic basket and blanket and was like um hello third date starter pack.

4. Going to the nearby park to kick around a soccer ball and and then afterwards go to the little restaurant around the corner for a late lunch, this girl is pretty outdoorsy I don’t know if you’re picking up on that.

5. Getting a tiny bit fancy and going to a play downtown. Preferably something with some feminist undertones or maybe even written by a lesbian!

6. This last plan came to me from the far crevasses of my most mushy romantic self, I call it “Candle Lit Everything” which is essentially taking the notion of a candle lit dinner and adding cocaine and you have no actual lights used because everything is candles, and then you make the food you’re serving her look like candles, and then you ask her if you want to celebrate her birthday early because um hello candles, and then you sing “beeeee my guest, be my guest…” such as the candle sings from beauty and the beast and then your date excuses herself to the bathroom and you hear her calling a cab outside.

All this to demonstrate, sometimes you just wanna woo a girl, ya know?

So anyways yes she is gone, yes I am sad, but more then that I am excited by the idea that another date could be as good as this one. Maybe I could even become good at dating? I think that’s kind of a stretch seeing as how I just confessed to fantasizing about singing this girl a Disney song surrounded by small flames, but who knows! Maybe I’ll learn to sing!

“I’m just like, really open.”

Apologies followers for the time lapse in posts here, I was dealing with two major situations.
1. The situation of realizing I ALSO like women,
2. Mostly that.

I felt it an appropriate time to tell you all, seeing as how it was #NationalComingOutDay and all, and because I have new dating apps to tell you about that have had about as much success as the ones that came before them (so basically I’m still dating my wine glass) and because now that my new sexuality information is floating out around town and getting people all awkward, I ALMOST forgot to open this up for more awkward with you guys!

First things first, you might have questions. Have I always known, how do you define yourself, have you adopted an Ethiopian child with your wife, yada yada.

Well first no, I did not always KNOW. I had suspicions. That I could usually justify.

My common phrase was “I’m just really open” – I could see myself liking someone of the same sex because I’m just such a forward thinker but ask me if I’m gay and I’ll say “Nope” and then kind of sort of want to never talk to you again.

In college I worked with a girl named Lena and quickly realized I couldn’t stop thinking about her.  I even told friends I had this little crush on her because I couldn’t keep myself from mentioning her name in any conversation it would allow, and you know I’m just so “open to things” but when asked if I could see myself WITH her (meaning all the sex) I said no I didn’t (I did. I absolutely did. And it was dirty.)

Before Lena, I had actually already had several sexual experiences with different girls when I was in middle school/freshmen in high school. My preteen self decided that those experiences were simply “experimenting” and nothing more, though funny that for something I told myself over and over was “not a big deal” it’s interesting that I never told anyone until now, hmm weird..

Growing up in a VERY christian household made the reality of me facing any of these experiences that much more unrealistic. My focus in middle school really trying to get down the members of Nsync and the Backstreet Boys because I had failed many times trying to pretend I knew who the Spice Girls really were, until being over at a friends house and looking at the poster in her room and saying ohhh okay that’s them, must take mental note that Posh is brunette and Sporty is blonde so I don’t mess this up tomorrow at recess. I mean I knew one of their songs at least,  I can sneak my friends cassette player into bed with me just like any other kid. All this to say that trying to navigate any feelings or experiences when I was just trying to get a foothold in non-christian culture was already a lot.

My crush on Lena and and my early “experiments” really started coming to the forefront in the past year. A couple of times I questioned my own signature line, “I’m just a really open person” and was like what does that even fucking mean? Luckily I could always hollow safely back into whatever crush I had on whatever guy at the time and be good.

But as I started to question my signature phrase, I started getting mad. Like really fucking mad.

People who questioned my sexuality were like my new enemies. Poor timing because people just naturally become more curious about your sexual orientation when you’re 26/27 and don’t at least hook up with a guy somewhat regularly.

I got on Eharmony and really began looking to get into a long term relationship with a guy. I needed to be dating and quickly. I wanted to go on more dates to show me how straight I was and to make comments that anyone was making about me irrelevant because I’m with a guy! I’m dating a guy now!

That was the scariest part for me. The part where you know you’re trying to date people to make a point and you KNOW it. You know it’s purposeful, you know it’s to avoid something else, you know it and you can’t un-know it and you need to get into a relationship pronto before this “progresses” like it’s fucking cancer, and basically, YOU KNOW.

When Megan entered my workplace I spent at least three months hating her before I began to think about her romantically, because then it started to become very illogical. If I hate her so much then why do I want to see her? If she’s so awful then why do I wish other people would go away so it can be just us two? If she is the worst like I tell everyone she is, then why do I think about her and I making out in the parking lot after work?

I could sense all the time now that there was something I wasn’t telling people, and I began to shift a small bit of focus on a new line for myself: “I’ll come out whenever the fuck I want to.”

After that I started to become angry if I  felt someone pushing me to do anything really. Even though I hadn’t technically told anyone about this at all, it felt like walls were closing in and everyone was trying to warp me, make me say it.

Finally one day at a training for work, talking about resources for marginalized groups of people, my director places me into a group discussing barriers that members of the LGBTQ community face in getting resources. I was so mad I was shaking.

THIS BITCH IS TRYING TO MAKE ME COME OUT

Which of course was entrenching on my new barely formulated phrase of: “I’ll come out whenever the fuck I want to”

So I joined the group to chat about barriers that members of LGBTQ community faced and heard nothing and focused on nothing and was secretly wishing death upon my director when then she comes around to our table, looks to me, and told me that I would be the one presenting what we had discussed.

I’m sure you can imagine the rage. I’ll summarize:

  • fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou
  • white hot blazing light searing from my eyes
  • I will literally not present this and you can go to hell

Luckily this all went on in my head and I still have a job. I left the training within four minutes of her telling me I would present. I went to my parents house because they were having a huge birthday party, and my panic was still rising. I said I had a work call to make, got in my car, called my coworker and began to yell. I yelled and yelled until I said “I want to come out whenever I fucking want to come out!!!”

Instantly she got what all this was and she said yes absolutely that is your right. And that was when I began to tell people.

Told my roommate that same night. I had made silent war with him and this coworker I had called earlier because they had been the two making offhanded comments about my sexuality that I had taken as personal attacks/threats, and I had hated them secretly for months, but now they were the people I talked to first.

It’s been so much easier since then. I come out to most people as simply bisexual because it’s easier than explaining what Pansexual is, which is the term I identify with and just fyi I came out as Pans before Miley for the record.

I don’t share this with you guys to get some release, I’ve already been releasing this off of me to people that I love for at least a month now and it’s been wonderful. I took #bivisibilityweek and ran with it!I also don’t share it with you for the joy of receiving uber religious hate mail though I’m sure that will be amusing.

I share this because not only is looking back at how angry I was kind of funny now (especially when you tell your director that you wanted her dead for at least 5 min and she laughs because she put you in that LGBTQ group because the groups were uneven) but I also tell you this in the case that one of you has experienced or is experiencing any small piece of my story.

Whether it’s not knowing who the Spice Girls were either because your parents only let you listen to Amy Grant, or maybe you’ve had experiences like mine and not wanted to ever find the meaning in them, or maybe you see yourself coming out in the future and that’s just really fucking terrifying. All I can say is that it gets better, it really really does get better.