Tag Archives: lgbtq

A Girl, A Phone, A Romantic Comedy!

The admin life has left me! Or I have left it! Or we have parted ways only to be reunited once we drop our kids back off to each other at the park! Regardless I am free from the perils of a perfectly nice office environment that I haven’t stopped complaining about for six months, and it feels good!

One of my last required dinners with the office I was tasked with going to the grocery store to find birthday candles, picking up the cake from the bakery, and then bringing it to the restaurant. I spent minutes silently congratulating myself for not dropping the cake as I have the tendency to cast myself in my own movie, as funny and single female protagonist who is genetically clumsy, would usually drop the cake and be now in a tub of self loathing.

So to summarize, I am very excited about my new job! I am now working at a non-profit focused on environmental issues and find myself out in the field talking to other businesses which I enjoy immensely.

Around the time I was preparing for my new job to begin, I re-downloaded a dating app and I saw a girl while browsing, whose place of work had very similar descriptions, to well, mine. She seemed cool and I thought it would be far too coincidental for her to actually be employed at my new job, the odds!

On my first day, my coordinator tells me that there is another employee  that I would get along well with, and as she walks toward me I recognized her instantly from the app. I prayed that she hadn’t  been on the app in years, like she had created it drunk one night in the middle of a blackout, that the email attached to it isn’t valid now, or she doesn’t even believe in phones!

Everything started off fine with App girl (her christian name) and we got along well. I began to breathe an overly dramatic sigh of relief. Whew! She never saw me on the App, she browsed right on past me. App girl and I then walk into a meeting together and I see her on her phone awhile.

I said inaudibly to myself “wouldn’t it be hilarious if that damn app matched us today? Ha ha.”

 

ha ha

ha ha….

 

So apps hear our thoughts now, they don’t even bother with our scroll history.

Hours later I’m finally opening up the app and what do you know, indeed we’ve been matched, that same day. I instantly feel irritated that I am NOT in a movie, because this, much like dropping a cake in the middle of a street and disappointing a whole work gathering, is movie worthy! It is a romantic comedies bread and butter, it is the girl meeting the guy the night before and then walking into the office and she is his new boss. It is the woman sleeping with a cutie she met at the bar and walking into work to learn that his company has now partnered with hers and the two of them will be working on a new project together. This is the gay equivalent!

So after I wrote four Hollywood worthy plot lines in my head, that I felt like really captured this scenario at it’s most comedic and cliche, I clicked on the essential No Thank You button on the app. It felt like a safer route and I  hoped that it would be something her and I could laugh off later. Oh those dating apps, they are so silly and troublesome, why are we on those? (As we say it, we’ll both remember that we complain about the traffic to our fridges when we get home).

My second day at work one of my coordinators informs me that I’ll be attending a training on ethical business practices in Arizona and that I will probably travel there with another person in our department.

ha ha….

HA HA

Should my eyes look this large when I laugh?

Naturally my travel companion would be app girl.

Weeks later the trip is canceled due to other needs within the department, and now app girl has a very cool and aloof tone and demeanor when she is with me. I have regressed and begun to blame things such as apps for my life’s grievances,  but continue to download them and become embarrassed about something I said or did on the app and then call up all my friends and make them listen to the story and repeat.

The app, though all it has brought is drama and nervousness to my life, has been a kind of stability. Feelings re-emerged for boy I tried to hit on one year ago this month and as I get to sit there and listen to him deliver me the jovial story line of the girls he is attempting to date just even in the past couple of months, I like to think that I am also attempting to date, and will also have a colorful anecdote to share that will hopefully shut him up about his love life forever and ever, amen.

Okay and I am just curious, is anyone else completely and irrevocably fucking DONE with some of the App-Profile-Verbage?

If one more guy or girl says they are looking for someone who “likes to try new things” I swear on my life I will pop every beach toy in my pool, string them together in a line, and walk from end to end calling myself Jesus of the Shallow End. IS THIS THE NEW THING YOU WERE HOPING FOR?

Don’t even get me started with the “someone who makes me laugh.” Well damn, I’m only out here to get a scowl or too, this won’t work.

Okay before this tangent gets too long and provokes me further, I want to wish all my other Dating App Users luck, and as for the folks out there doing it in real life, well you are living the dream right now so I don’t need to wish you as much luck, you get to hear them list their hobbies in real time, enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“I’m just like, really open.”

Apologies followers for the time lapse in posts here, I was dealing with two major situations.
1. The situation of realizing I ALSO like women,
2. Mostly that.

I felt it an appropriate time to tell you all, seeing as how it was #NationalComingOutDay and all, and because I have new dating apps to tell you about that have had about as much success as the ones that came before them (so basically I’m still dating my wine glass) and because now that my new sexuality information is floating out around town and getting people all awkward, I ALMOST forgot to open this up for more awkward with you guys!

First things first, you might have questions. Have I always known, how do you define yourself, have you adopted an Ethiopian child with your wife, yada yada.

Well first no, I did not always KNOW. I had suspicions. That I could usually justify.

My common phrase was “I’m just really open” – I could see myself liking someone of the same sex because I’m just such a forward thinker but ask me if I’m gay and I’ll say “Nope” and then kind of sort of want to never talk to you again.

In college I worked with a girl named Lena and quickly realized I couldn’t stop thinking about her.  I even told friends I had this little crush on her because I couldn’t keep myself from mentioning her name in any conversation it would allow, and you know I’m just so “open to things” but when asked if I could see myself WITH her (meaning all the sex) I said no I didn’t (I did. I absolutely did. And it was dirty.)

Before Lena, I had actually already had several sexual experiences with different girls when I was in middle school/freshmen in high school. My preteen self decided that those experiences were simply “experimenting” and nothing more, though funny that for something I told myself over and over was “not a big deal” it’s interesting that I never told anyone until now, hmm weird..

Growing up in a VERY christian household made the reality of me facing any of these experiences that much more unrealistic. My focus in middle school really trying to get down the members of Nsync and the Backstreet Boys because I had failed many times trying to pretend I knew who the Spice Girls really were, until being over at a friends house and looking at the poster in her room and saying ohhh okay that’s them, must take mental note that Posh is brunette and Sporty is blonde so I don’t mess this up tomorrow at recess. I mean I knew one of their songs at least,  I can sneak my friends cassette player into bed with me just like any other kid. All this to say that trying to navigate any feelings or experiences when I was just trying to get a foothold in non-christian culture was already a lot.

My crush on Lena and and my early “experiments” really started coming to the forefront in the past year. A couple of times I questioned my own signature line, “I’m just a really open person” and was like what does that even fucking mean? Luckily I could always hollow safely back into whatever crush I had on whatever guy at the time and be good.

But as I started to question my signature phrase, I started getting mad. Like really fucking mad.

People who questioned my sexuality were like my new enemies. Poor timing because people just naturally become more curious about your sexual orientation when you’re 26/27 and don’t at least hook up with a guy somewhat regularly.

I got on Eharmony and really began looking to get into a long term relationship with a guy. I needed to be dating and quickly. I wanted to go on more dates to show me how straight I was and to make comments that anyone was making about me irrelevant because I’m with a guy! I’m dating a guy now!

That was the scariest part for me. The part where you know you’re trying to date people to make a point and you KNOW it. You know it’s purposeful, you know it’s to avoid something else, you know it and you can’t un-know it and you need to get into a relationship pronto before this “progresses” like it’s fucking cancer, and basically, YOU KNOW.

When Megan entered my workplace I spent at least three months hating her before I began to think about her romantically, because then it started to become very illogical. If I hate her so much then why do I want to see her? If she’s so awful then why do I wish other people would go away so it can be just us two? If she is the worst like I tell everyone she is, then why do I think about her and I making out in the parking lot after work?

I could sense all the time now that there was something I wasn’t telling people, and I began to shift a small bit of focus on a new line for myself: “I’ll come out whenever the fuck I want to.”

After that I started to become angry if I  felt someone pushing me to do anything really. Even though I hadn’t technically told anyone about this at all, it felt like walls were closing in and everyone was trying to warp me, make me say it.

Finally one day at a training for work, talking about resources for marginalized groups of people, my director places me into a group discussing barriers that members of the LGBTQ community face in getting resources. I was so mad I was shaking.

THIS BITCH IS TRYING TO MAKE ME COME OUT

Which of course was entrenching on my new barely formulated phrase of: “I’ll come out whenever the fuck I want to”

So I joined the group to chat about barriers that members of LGBTQ community faced and heard nothing and focused on nothing and was secretly wishing death upon my director when then she comes around to our table, looks to me, and told me that I would be the one presenting what we had discussed.

I’m sure you can imagine the rage. I’ll summarize:

  • fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou
  • white hot blazing light searing from my eyes
  • I will literally not present this and you can go to hell

Luckily this all went on in my head and I still have a job. I left the training within four minutes of her telling me I would present. I went to my parents house because they were having a huge birthday party, and my panic was still rising. I said I had a work call to make, got in my car, called my coworker and began to yell. I yelled and yelled until I said “I want to come out whenever I fucking want to come out!!!”

Instantly she got what all this was and she said yes absolutely that is your right. And that was when I began to tell people.

Told my roommate that same night. I had made silent war with him and this coworker I had called earlier because they had been the two making offhanded comments about my sexuality that I had taken as personal attacks/threats, and I had hated them secretly for months, but now they were the people I talked to first.

It’s been so much easier since then. I come out to most people as simply bisexual because it’s easier than explaining what Pansexual is, which is the term I identify with and just fyi I came out as Pans before Miley for the record.

I don’t share this with you guys to get some release, I’ve already been releasing this off of me to people that I love for at least a month now and it’s been wonderful. I took #bivisibilityweek and ran with it!I also don’t share it with you for the joy of receiving uber religious hate mail though I’m sure that will be amusing.

I share this because not only is looking back at how angry I was kind of funny now (especially when you tell your director that you wanted her dead for at least 5 min and she laughs because she put you in that LGBTQ group because the groups were uneven) but I also tell you this in the case that one of you has experienced or is experiencing any small piece of my story.

Whether it’s not knowing who the Spice Girls were either because your parents only let you listen to Amy Grant, or maybe you’ve had experiences like mine and not wanted to ever find the meaning in them, or maybe you see yourself coming out in the future and that’s just really fucking terrifying. All I can say is that it gets better, it really really does get better.

What to title this… Oh I know! My ex is gay.

That delicious and spontaneous moment when you’re sorting through bowls and Splenda packets, while sitting on the floor, and your ex comes out to you.

Seconds ago he was eating ice cream and I was trying to find my favorite beer mug and he starts it all with, “hey I have something to tell you.”

“Sure!” I say, as I hunt through all these bulky plastic bowls that I own but never use because I never bake things. I find more Splenda packets and randomly a packet of equal too as he says, “I’m gay.”

He is smiling as he says it which only makes me think that he’s fucking with me. I continue to sort through bowls, but I’m going a little slower now, trying to figure out why he is joking at a time like this, when I can’t find the blue bowl that has the handles and I’m trying to solve the mystery of this equal packet, can’t your little joking game about your changed preference in partners wait?

Suddenly I get it now, my reaction is slow, his face looking down at me filled with sympathy.

So I confirm by saying this obviously very sensitive and intellectual sentence:
“So you’re.. GAY gay?”

“Yes. I’m gay gay.” He said, “I wanted to make sure I told you……because…I care about you.”

There it is. The tone, the way he is looking at me, he isn’t coming out to me he is breaking the news to me.

You poor poor girl. So in love with me. I’m into dicks, so…..

You might as well have ushered me out of the room at that point. There was no recovering from shock and embarrassment simultaneously.

My face was red for the entirety of all the cliche things that stumbled off my tongue for the next five minutes. I’m only half aware of what I said and what he said back but here is a decent jumble of it:

I’m happy for you I’m glad you finally said it we all thought it who have you told what does this mean for you was it hard to tell the first person you get to be the real you now how long have you known we figured you were

In no particular order or specificity, it’s all a blur, everything said under a thick blanket of mortification. He feels sorry for me.

My friend, who he had told first, had apparently jumped up and down and hugged him, where as my reaction was sitting on the ground and looking up at him with bowls in my hands and shock on my face.

Have I known forever and a half that he was gay? Absolutely.

But did I know he was gay? No not really. See how that’s confusing?

As a little background information, I moved in to my friends house with my ex and another friend of ours about a week or so ago. Yeah, shocking that my stripper roommate didn’t work out. Luckily my friend had a room in her house that needed filling so I took it and decided I’d figure out the feelings for my ex later/ignore them.

Obviously the feelings were still present because even with the embarrassment at the time, there should have been jumping and there should have been excitement.

Instead I acted in the calm, kept my voice calm, quieter even. I tried to appear normal, and interested in the dynamic of coming out, the experience, etc.

My focus being so bent on not being that poor puppy dog that he felt bad for, I probably appeared the least enthused of anyone he will probably ever come out to.

I wish I had been aware that he knew my feelings so well for him. I wish in the moment I would have thrown my arms around him and told him how happy his news made me. I wish I had believed my own intuition long ago that already told me what he told me today.

I wish I had been thinking of him and not me in that moment.

Wishes only go so far, and what else is there to say about this really, besides the fact that I’m just an idiot?

Hmmmm… that’s why he didn’t respond to those drunk texts I sent him

Hmmm…. that’s why he refused to let me kiss him that night at that wedding

Hmmmmm…. that’s why he seemed more interested in what my brother was up to

I mean I used to think he just wasn’t attracted to me anymore, but it’s all women? I’m really coming out on top here.

When people come out to you, you start remembering all these random things about them that you haven’t thought about in years. Like how I thought I was going to marry him.

Even though he took me on a total of three dates in five months and didn’t want to actually spend much time with me, he was my best friend and I knew there was no guy I’d ever be more up for marrying.

I’ve started thinking about the few times in the past handful of years that I thought we were getting back together. I was always wildly excited, couldn’t eat, and watched my phone without blinking. Always thinking, this time it will happen and this time it will stick.

I suppose it’s a little exciting to know all that bullshit is over, am I right?

Because fuck feelings.

I’m ready for that friendship, where I support him and I’m here for him. Coming out to others will be more difficult and I want to be here for him. It’s time to love the guy who is finally being real with who he is, and put the past aside.

Stay tuned, tomorrow night all the roomies are going out drinking, maybe my ex and I will have the same taste in guys?