Tag Archives: instagram

is my instagram hot enough?

Words I never thought I’d utter. Well technically I didn’t utter them I thought them, but I suppose writing it down here for the viewing of others could be considered an utterance? Ugh now I’m thinking about cows.

I suppose I’ll say that I never thought that I’d be taking a deeper look into my own social media, and  myself asking the question: is this hot enough?

It hadn’t occurred to me that my Instagram account or any social media platform could sway the odds of getting texts from a boy (I really want to quote the Hunger Games here, but notice my restraint) and I’m still not sure it really does but….

Regardless, I’m concerned.

I found evidence of this theory by way of the new Jordan Sparks song “Double Tap” which illustrates the importance of a “hot Instagram”, and her video provides a quick guide on obtaining boyfriends by taking videos of yourself smiling, and then laughing, and then smiling.

Perhaps I could make myself a second Instagram account in which I compile masses of only the best pictures of myself, so boys know that yes my hair does shine like gold whether I’m inside or outside (thanks IG filters) and I can look to the side, or straight! I’m so complex and symmetrical.

In reality I’m not going to do anything at all and I’ll be changing zero things about my Instagram or any other form of social media because trying to impress a guy at the bar that night and then taking a picture and posting it the following morning to keep him impressed makes me feel tired.

And how do I keep that up? Eventually he would see me without makeup right? I’m just assuming, maybe there is actually a way to blind him temporarily each night until you put your foundation on in the morning, maybe like a flashlight that you shine in his eyes and that also deletes his memory, of you shining a flashlight in his eyes.

Anyways back to how this Instagram stuff all came up, I met a boy at a club, we exchanged numbers, talked the next day, he asked what my Instagram account was, I told him, and then,

radio silence.

Suddenly he has a car problem now and ends his text with “maybe next time”

Message received my friend.

I guess pictures of my breakfast, cats, books, and that one where I’m in the back of that car in a beanie just didn’t do it for him. Ugh why didn’t I post more pictures of dogs, ALL IS LOST

Luckily I have a delicious breakfast plus the Instagram feeds of many cat lovers to catch up on and you know that Jordan Sparks song is actually quite catchy, try watching the video too maybe, but don’t video yourself doing the smiling, laughing and than smiling again because that’s hers.

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it’s raining fine ass men

Every now and then you have a day where every male you see just looks oh so delicious. You can tell yourself it’s all just a coincidence and that all these attractive men just happen to be walking past you on the same day or you can be honest and silently confess to yourself, damn I have not dated in awhile.

Some might avoid a day such as this. All these good looking guys? Too good to be true. I’m opting for the opposite as I readily embrace the ridiculous attraction happening all around me.  Every guy that walks in has potential and it’s exciting.

It’s even men that you aren’t seeing in person.  It’s that guy on your Instagram that liked your photo and you suddenly now find yourself thinking how cute he is when it never occured to you before even though you’ve been following him for a year.  Now you’re full on stalking all of the posts he has ever made and trying to figure out if the girls in his pictures are his sisters or friends, because she just could not be his girlfriend. He’s single right?

Even the thirty something year old in his business suit who is in your store waiting for a client is insanely HOT. Wearing his suit and tie and looking distracted, he is probably thinking about you and that is why he is staring off into space…..yes sometimes on these yummy men parade kinds of days you can become a little lost in the delusion that there is something going on with you and them. For example “he told me have a nice day so he must love me” was definitely a thought that came up.

Enjoying the day that is overrun with hot men is easy but it’s the keeping your cool that is the hard part. Do not write on that boy’s Instagram that his picture would look better if you were in it instead of that dumb bitch who is sitting next to him.  And do not tell that business suit guy “yes. i will go out with you” when he comes back for a coffee refill and is merely making polite chit chat with you. This fantasy is best enjoyed with no action involved, so don’t.