I need a lover, like yesterday.
Not because I want one, because I need one. Because basically I see some reeeaaaalllllyyy stupid things coming up in my future, and somehow a boyfriend will stop all that.
Oh and sure, love and all. If necessary.
So anyways here are my 4 REASONS:
Reason #1 On Friday morning I learned that Silverfox has a girlfriend.
For those of you not familiar with Silverfox, he is an older guy I was incoherently obsessed with for over a year. We had finally started talking around the time I was moving back here, and on our first date he ended it, and I cried while walking home and then cried in my parents driveway and then cried at a bar. I would like to take this moment to shout out to my friends; thank you for still going out in public with me.
How Having A Boyfriend Will Help – Hopefully distract me from wondering if his girlfriend is funnier than me. I hope he laughs half halfheartedly at her jokes but at the same time I don’t want him to suffer, so I hope she’s hilarious? I’m thinking daily now about the possibility of finding out that he’s engaged or something in a couple months time. When I think about that, then I wish ugliness and a terrible sense of humor upon her.
Reason #2 On Saturday morning I learned that my Ex is moving in with my close friends
After months of avoiding my Ex so I would not be given opportunity to drunkenly hit on him, profess my love to him, or God forbid wanting to spend more time with him, I’m now getting him paid back to me in full. I would like a refund, and I think this financial analogy is confusing me.
How Having A Boyfriend Will Help – My Ex and I will no longer be two people in our group of friends that are always the single ones, and our chemistry and similar sense of humor will no longer mean jack squat to me. My boyfriend will be the whip cream on my apple pie and I’ll eat it right in front of my ex. I’m not sure whether I’m confused again with my analogy, or just disgusted, but regardless I want to win goddamnit!
Reason #3 The guy I have a crush on comes to nothing
The night after learning about Silverfox’s gf, our friends had a big club night for a friends birthday.I hoped and prayed and wished on stars that my crush would be there. I didn’t even care if he came and ignored me the whole time, at least I could torment myself with questions like “Is he in a bad mood?” or “Am I not a good enough dancer?” or tell myself things like “He’s tired” or “I heard he had a cold last week”. All these thoughts I would take over the ones currently residing in my head, in which I picture Silverfox and some delicate beauty with “She said YES!” as the caption. Lord please, let her not be blonde.
How Having A Boyfriend Will Help – I will no longer anxiously look around for when my crush arrives because I’ll be looking at my boyfriend who I came with. I will no longer have to pretend to be completely nonchalant upon hearing that my crush isn’t coming out. I also will hopefully not drunkenly ask where my crush is so my friends will not have to tell me for the sixth time that he’s at a different bar.
Reason #4 I really didn’t have a fourth reason, I just thought four sounded better than three. Three is so 2013.
Actually my #4 would be so I could tell one of my male coworkers that my boyfriend doesn’t let me talk to other men so you can stop liking all my Instagram photos, thanks.
I suppose these reasons are not typically the motives you see in wanting to procure a boyfriend. Normally you like the guy and you want to be like, dating him. In my situation I like all 3 guys: Silverfox, the Ex, and the crush, but the feelings are not returned by any, and my love only remains unhealthily everlasting. I need a boyfriend, to trick me into thinking that I no longer care about the 3 at all.
Would renting a boyfriend be expensive do you think? How much extra would I have to pay for feelings?
So I was sufficiently bored and undercaffinated at a bridal shower yesterday afternoon, and how I managed to not fall asleep on that barely decorated table was by making a mind-list (yes I’m calling it that) of most of the things that irritated me about this shower.
1. Hottest day of my fucking life
2. Super random assortment of snacks
3. For god sakes invite more then ten people, awkward silences up the ying yang
4. Small tables and folding chairs in the middle of a crowded living room
5. No booze
6. Asked maid of honor if there was coffee, she had apparently already gone to dutch bros, so she was good (bitch).
7. Soft christian music playing in the background that they probably play at my grandmothers, grandmothers church. I would take country over this.
8. The best story anyone had to tell was the time the bride-to-be got drunk, while playing Wii. For reals folks.
9. The maid of honor made like she knew EVERYTHING. Which she might, I don’t know, but lets pretend like some of life is still a mystery.
10. Again, no booze
11. Ok and I can’t believe I’m saying this but is there any kind of theme going on? Could something match the other?
The fact that I sat there and thought I could plan a bridal shower better than someone else is actually kind of absurd. Me being asked to throw a shower, or volunteering myself to throw one are both completely unrealistic scenarios.
Now I know, who cares right? So what if the shower was lame? I’m not even intensely close with the bride-to-be and I’m certainly not gal pals with the girl who threw the damn thing, so who cares about the way in which it sucked?
Well that damn list has been bugging me, and picturing the little beads resting on the tissuey table cloth, surrounding those vases with that little heart thing, on those tables in that cramped little living room is bugging me.
Maybe I’m just a bitch who was expecting to be entertained and wanted there to be booze and people dancing on tables and lots of talking and hilarious stories and you know, fun and color! Which I know, I know it’s the bridal shower not the bachlorette, I get it I get it but still.
I feel that I should mention that I was out at an awesome club the night before this shower. I danced for hours, saw two single ex-coworkers make out, triumphantly assisted in getting two other single friends to dance together all night, danced briefly with a guy that is known to be a little strange who actually had some good moves and I spent a fourth of the night peeling the room for him. Sometimes girls like a little crazy?
Perhaps this wild night of nonstop dancing and juicy drama is what made it hard to sit politely in my little folding chair in someones living room the next day. A christian radio station for people in their seventies softly playing in the background, as I drank lemonade and ate crackers. What bothers me also is that the very few women there, were girls! Most of them my age, with the exception of one mom and one baby, that’s it!
There could have been loud music, fun games, definitely more sex jokes and all around dirtyness, wild stories, food that is bad for you but also delicious, and booze. Can’t forget booze.
Yes, I am aware, this is not MY day and not my shower so my opinion on this is null and void, but that’s why I have a blog right? So I can proclaim my inappropriate feelings of anger, over this bridal shower not catered to MY needs and individual preferences.
The games that we played weren’t actually that bad. They got us up and moving, which I was grateful for because I was barely trying to control the volume of my yawns anymore. The toilet paper game- I was one of the chosen to be wrapped-was hilarious because they just barely had that toilet paper cover my ass, and I instantly became the whore among the other fully covered toilet paper brides. It was probably my favorite moment of the whole afternoon and the picture of it, that was posted on facebook, made it feel like my decision to attend the shower was worth the serious struggle to stay awake for most of it.
Honestly people, were not sixty YET. Put on some Katy Perry, buy some wine, and get some crazy decorations. How many times is she going to get married?
Well, were hoping for just the one time.