Tag Archives: being single and awkward

“I’m just like, really open.”

Apologies followers for the time lapse in posts here, I was dealing with two major situations.
1. The situation of realizing I ALSO like women,
2. Mostly that.

I felt it an appropriate time to tell you all, seeing as how it was #NationalComingOutDay and all, and because I have new dating apps to tell you about that have had about as much success as the ones that came before them (so basically I’m still dating my wine glass) and because now that my new sexuality information is floating out around town and getting people all awkward, I ALMOST forgot to open this up for more awkward with you guys!

First things first, you might have questions. Have I always known, how do you define yourself, have you adopted an Ethiopian child with your wife, yada yada.

Well first no, I did not always KNOW. I had suspicions. That I could usually justify.

My common phrase was “I’m just really open” – I could see myself liking someone of the same sex because I’m just such a forward thinker but ask me if I’m gay and I’ll say “Nope” and then kind of sort of want to never talk to you again.

In college I worked with a girl named Lena and quickly realized I couldn’t stop thinking about her.  I even told friends I had this little crush on her because I couldn’t keep myself from mentioning her name in any conversation it would allow, and you know I’m just so “open to things” but when asked if I could see myself WITH her (meaning all the sex) I said no I didn’t (I did. I absolutely did. And it was dirty.)

Before Lena, I had actually already had several sexual experiences with different girls when I was in middle school/freshmen in high school. My preteen self decided that those experiences were simply “experimenting” and nothing more, though funny that for something I told myself over and over was “not a big deal” it’s interesting that I never told anyone until now, hmm weird..

Growing up in a VERY christian household made the reality of me facing any of these experiences that much more unrealistic. My focus in middle school really trying to get down the members of Nsync and the Backstreet Boys because I had failed many times trying to pretend I knew who the Spice Girls really were, until being over at a friends house and looking at the poster in her room and saying ohhh okay that’s them, must take mental note that Posh is brunette and Sporty is blonde so I don’t mess this up tomorrow at recess. I mean I knew one of their songs at least,  I can sneak my friends cassette player into bed with me just like any other kid. All this to say that trying to navigate any feelings or experiences when I was just trying to get a foothold in non-christian culture was already a lot.

My crush on Lena and and my early “experiments” really started coming to the forefront in the past year. A couple of times I questioned my own signature line, “I’m just a really open person” and was like what does that even fucking mean? Luckily I could always hollow safely back into whatever crush I had on whatever guy at the time and be good.

But as I started to question my signature phrase, I started getting mad. Like really fucking mad.

People who questioned my sexuality were like my new enemies. Poor timing because people just naturally become more curious about your sexual orientation when you’re 26/27 and don’t at least hook up with a guy somewhat regularly.

I got on Eharmony and really began looking to get into a long term relationship with a guy. I needed to be dating and quickly. I wanted to go on more dates to show me how straight I was and to make comments that anyone was making about me irrelevant because I’m with a guy! I’m dating a guy now!

That was the scariest part for me. The part where you know you’re trying to date people to make a point and you KNOW it. You know it’s purposeful, you know it’s to avoid something else, you know it and you can’t un-know it and you need to get into a relationship pronto before this “progresses” like it’s fucking cancer, and basically, YOU KNOW.

When Megan entered my workplace I spent at least three months hating her before I began to think about her romantically, because then it started to become very illogical. If I hate her so much then why do I want to see her? If she’s so awful then why do I wish other people would go away so it can be just us two? If she is the worst like I tell everyone she is, then why do I think about her and I making out in the parking lot after work?

I could sense all the time now that there was something I wasn’t telling people, and I began to shift a small bit of focus on a new line for myself: “I’ll come out whenever the fuck I want to.”

After that I started to become angry if I  felt someone pushing me to do anything really. Even though I hadn’t technically told anyone about this at all, it felt like walls were closing in and everyone was trying to warp me, make me say it.

Finally one day at a training for work, talking about resources for marginalized groups of people, my director places me into a group discussing barriers that members of the LGBTQ community face in getting resources. I was so mad I was shaking.

THIS BITCH IS TRYING TO MAKE ME COME OUT

Which of course was entrenching on my new barely formulated phrase of: “I’ll come out whenever the fuck I want to”

So I joined the group to chat about barriers that members of LGBTQ community faced and heard nothing and focused on nothing and was secretly wishing death upon my director when then she comes around to our table, looks to me, and told me that I would be the one presenting what we had discussed.

I’m sure you can imagine the rage. I’ll summarize:

  • fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou
  • white hot blazing light searing from my eyes
  • I will literally not present this and you can go to hell

Luckily this all went on in my head and I still have a job. I left the training within four minutes of her telling me I would present. I went to my parents house because they were having a huge birthday party, and my panic was still rising. I said I had a work call to make, got in my car, called my coworker and began to yell. I yelled and yelled until I said “I want to come out whenever I fucking want to come out!!!”

Instantly she got what all this was and she said yes absolutely that is your right. And that was when I began to tell people.

Told my roommate that same night. I had made silent war with him and this coworker I had called earlier because they had been the two making offhanded comments about my sexuality that I had taken as personal attacks/threats, and I had hated them secretly for months, but now they were the people I talked to first.

It’s been so much easier since then. I come out to most people as simply bisexual because it’s easier than explaining what Pansexual is, which is the term I identify with and just fyi I came out as Pans before Miley for the record.

I don’t share this with you guys to get some release, I’ve already been releasing this off of me to people that I love for at least a month now and it’s been wonderful. I took #bivisibilityweek and ran with it!I also don’t share it with you for the joy of receiving uber religious hate mail though I’m sure that will be amusing.

I share this because not only is looking back at how angry I was kind of funny now (especially when you tell your director that you wanted her dead for at least 5 min and she laughs because she put you in that LGBTQ group because the groups were uneven) but I also tell you this in the case that one of you has experienced or is experiencing any small piece of my story.

Whether it’s not knowing who the Spice Girls were either because your parents only let you listen to Amy Grant, or maybe you’ve had experiences like mine and not wanted to ever find the meaning in them, or maybe you see yourself coming out in the future and that’s just really fucking terrifying. All I can say is that it gets better, it really really does get better.

Advertisements

“Shyward” and blame placing

So many exciting things have happened lately!

Oh wait, that’s someone elses life.

My life is the one where I don’t know how to talk to boys.

I made eye contact with the ground when the cute guy who works at my gym, whom I will forever love, tried to wish me a good rest of my day.

This past weekend I attempted to go off beer and also developed a crush on a gay guy, so there’s that.

I told a guy who comes into my work to have a goodnight at school. In my defense, that did seem witty and clever because it was indeed night time and he was going to school.

But I’m not awkward, right?

I really would like to go on pretending that it’s all shyness. That it’s endearing and adorable how I can’t spout out more then a sentence if you’re a male and I find you attractive.

It’s cute……isn’t it? Oh God what if it’s not.

Shy > Awkward. It’s a fact.

Shyness is okay. Shy is perfect in movie world let me tell you. Uncertainty and looking down and being timid are all ways to ensure that boys will run laps around you, because chick flicks are based on reality right?

When you’re awkward though, tsk tsk. Shame on you, you’re a weirdo.

I mean what is a girl to do? Can I take a pill that slowly eradicates awkwardness out of my body through my nasal passages? Or is awkwardness like herpes and it sort of stays with you forever, even though you have bouts of normalcy?

Is there a book on this?

I like to place the blame on my shy/awkward, “Shyward”, tendencies on my mother issues if I may. It’s only natural to place responsibility on your upbringing when you’re 25 and single, am I right?

Growing up my mom always pointed out that women who chased after men were desperate and or needy. Doing a tad bit of chasing after boys in junior high and highschool, I was usually displeased with the results and wondered if my mother was right.

Now as an adult I’m stuck in this place of feeling that being forward with a guy is basically the end all. It’s the lowest level and the desperate hole of singledom that sinks all your dignity. That is unless there are large quantities of alcohol, because then anything is possible and permissable.

Now that I’ve placed blame on my mother and her moral standards that indicate I’m worthy of being pursued by a man and not the other way around, I will go ahead and blame a man of my past.

I was 15, he was 16, and I had gotten him a teddy bear that was holding a heart, for valentines day. We were not boyfriend and girlfriend and in fact our relationship was rather secret, and according to him that was because he was not allowed to have a girlfriend. Don’t laugh.

He took the bear and said that he had meant to pick me up a card while he was at Payless, and forgot. Magical moments.

It’s situations like those where you just feel icky. Icky because you put yourself out there and now you’re an idiot who is out ten bucks so you could have almost gotten a card from Payless.

This part of the story will forever confuse me, does Payless sell cards?

So anyways, though I loathe my shyward ways, I feel much worse when I’m doing too much and trying too hard, and obviously making a fool out of myself.

So don’t buy a bear holding a heart and give it to a boy. You should instead go to build a bear and construct a bear in the boy-you-aren’t-officially-datings likeness and then introduce it to the guy as “our baby boy”, that’s the point I’m trying to make.

If you sometimes misconstrue sarcasm, please disregard my last paragraph.

excuse me as I mumble something and run away from you

Every once in awhile I think about why I’m still single. I’ll be cleaning dishes and thinking damn, I’m a decent human being….why don’t I have a boyfriend?

Yesterday I was reminded why. I ran from a man.

Just a random man? No in fact one of my customers that I’ve been infatuated with for almost a year now. We bumped into each other on a street corner as I was headed to work, and he was heading to my work for coffee.

I knew that if this ever happened I would do something dumb. Obviously.
As he greets me I’m just staring, I might have nodded once but I don’t actually remember.
Because I don’t remember anything he said. AT ALL. I don’t even know what I was doing during our “conversation”” or what I was thinking at the time, though if I had to guess I’d guess panic.

I do so happen to remember how it ended…because I ran.
Now don’t get upset, I wasn’t just standing there nodding (hopefully?) and then bolted. No I managed to mumble very quickly “I’ll see you at work okay?” before I fast walked/sort of jogged across to the other side of the street instead of going straight towards my store as usual.

Like an absolute ass I walked to my store on a street parallel to the one he was walking on, both of us headed in the direction of my store.

It is perfectly regrettable already but wait there is more. I may have walked incredibly fast the entire time while pretending to be fascinated by my phone in it’s entirety. I was looking so intently at my phone that to others it probably looked as if I was saving someone’s life, like the continuance of our world was based around my answering this very important text message with no time to look up or to the side, but all eyes glued to the screen.

So needless to say, I appeared an ever so self absorbed douche bag who thinks she is saving lives through the power of text messaging.

I think next time I’m cleaning my dishes and rummaging through my thoughts ill remember oh yes, yes indeed I am quite single.