Have you ever been at a club begging your nearest friend to text the other group of friends who got separated from you at a dive bar, because you really just want to hook up with one particular person but are far too ashamed to admit it to your friends?
So now you have to make up weird shit about why that group needs to meet up with your group like “Tanya is just a really great dancer, I need a really good dancer to dance with” or “Todd made me a bet that I wouldn’t dance on the bar so you need to get him over here so I can prove him wrong.” I wasn’t so quick on my feet last night so I used “tell Luke to come over here because I want to see how drunk his friend is.” Yeah not my best.
6 hours ago I was not thinking about Luke and was actually hyper focusing on what to wear to the work Christmas party because my newest crush, The Consultant, was going to be there. She ultimately did not show up, leaving my perfectly crafted ensemble to impress no one, and it wasn’t until me and my coworkers had left the party, walked the streets of downtown and landed in a dive bar, that I was told that Luke was joining us in 5 minutes.
Luke, also a coworker, whom I’ve had varying degrees of speculation that he could be interested in me but usually pairing it with knowledge that I tend to create something out of nothing at all (examples such as being in the same room at the same time or them saying they also get iced coffee at Starbucks). I’ve fallen under the charms of some of Luke’s flattery at times but usually snap out of it under 3 minutes, reminding myself how young he is or asking myself what if The Consultant found out we hooked up and thought (much) less of me?
But here we are now at this bar and he comes directly for me, trying to convince me to share a drink with him. People let me tell you it takes 5 seconds for me to realize that I am READY. Call it reaching my peak horniness level that week, call it disappointment that The Consultant did not make it to the Christmas party, call it that I looked good and no one else was noticing. Call it what you like but I was in the mood for a mistake.
Not 20 minutes later my group is moving to the night club, hence my hysterics about getting the other group to come too. But alas the night is growing cold, aka my buzz is wearing off, and I am Lyfting home disappointed yet a teensy bit grateful? I mean had our groups not separated I would be preparing myself for an awkward Monday morning at the office, where I enhance the narrative that I drank a lot even when my coworkers swear only saw me drink 3 beers. I still didn’t have a plan about that beyond “Oh you didn’t see me down those 4 shots? You must have been in the bathroom.”
This morning I wake up to a text message from my coworker, stating that she and Luke had hooked up after the club last night. Mind you this is the same coworker that I asked to text Luke multiple times last night to come to the club, under made up reasons. There is something about unexpected bruised feelings that makes it really hard to reply right away, in the way you know you should be replying. I am ashamed to say that my first text back to her was “the Luke we work with?” Yes yes, eye-roll emojis for days, I am ridiculous blah blah. That 8th grade brain just kicked in and underneath the veil of confusion and naivety is basically jealously yelling “But I thought he was into ME!”
As I quickly begin to ascend my throne of judgment (probably my favorite chair in the house) I reflect upon what a weak minded idiot Luke is. Sentences form such as oh he just goes for ANYONE then, got it. I continue to bask in the glory of the better person I most certainly am and it takes me probably like 2,000 seconds to realize I JUST DID THE SAME THING.
I had 10 hours ago tried to hook up with Luke despite my feelings for our other coworker and had pushed all concerns about my future with her aside, in the name of attention and some ass.
We’re all just drunk and single and want what we want when we want it, which is very hard to explain to an 8th grader, who is lost in the effects of “betraying” our one true love. 8th graders think they know what hormones are but are not remotely prepared for adult-drinking level hormones. I try to tell my 8th grade-brain that it’s similar to the way you feel so cool and great when smoking a cigarette AND you can actually go out and get more, no one will even card you (mostly).
So after being irritated for the whole morning, I wonder if my judgment with Luke for hooking up with our coworker despite his (possible) attraction to me is really about me judging ME, about trying to hook up with someone that isn’t The Consultant. Having to now remind myself that I am not a BAD person. The Consultant and I are not dating and I’ve been working on building a friendship with her and getting to know her, but the 8th grader in me is determined to plague us with guilt about being attracted to people who are also drunk and single, for what? I don’t even know if The Consultant is a cat person yet!
Maybe it is time to step out of my 8th grade body and into my 30 year old one, you know, reality! Also maturity would be fantastic because we draw for Secret Santa in 4 days…. wish me luck!