So I have been wanting to post something since the beginning of January but I guess I’ve been holding out and waiting to write until something had officially “happened” and then I’d be able to report back, triumphantly! But now I’m like eh what the hell who needs an epic moment, lets tell everyone mediocre phenomenon!
So the new year pretty much started with me finding out in a crowded bar that my crush of 3 years (god help me) is “feeling it.” Picture me with multiple beers under my belt, screaming with my eyes, TELL ME EVERYTHING. Essentially several friends are giving me the green light on going for it with this crush, saying that she is feeling the same way I have been feeling for years. Mind you it is a triple quadruple victory when your crush is a straight woman. You should see the cockiness I’ve been strutting since finding out, like who do I think that I am? This confidence is slightly terrifying.
Some background information, this crush is Tilly! A woman I wrote about around a year ago when she had waltzed back into my life and per tradition, ruined whatever dating potential I had going on at the time. If you remember the story (you 100% don’t, I had to go back and read it just now) we had some crazy electricity and I had the tendency to forget that she was presenting as a straight person.
So anyways I suppose I’ve been waiting around for a moment that can classify her and I as together or starting something or literally anything at all. Some of my friends though have been saying this really scary thing to me, they keep telling me I should let her know how I feel.
Tell her how I feel? And her hear me?
Well as psychotic as they sound they have taken hold of my brain in it’s very vulnerable state and it is actually making sense to stop this 3 year loop of Friendship-Infatuation- I ghost the person I was starting to date-Friendship again, and actually say some words to her
Okay so here’s the problem, these are the two memories I have of telling someone how I feel with words:
1) I am 13 years old and the boy, Dean, stays with his grandmother who lives four doors down. Dean was a grade A hunk if I ever saw one, went to a well off school that was not mine, and wore Abercrombie and Fitch which should have been the blaring stop sign to be honest. I wrote him a note telling him that I liked him and then gave it to him to read while I bounced on the trampoline. I could never tell you the words he said back to me because I have no memory of them but all I know is that he was SO nice about it and went on that afternoon pretending like it never happened. A true prince!
2) I’m drunk and turning 25 the next day and I think it’s a GREAT idea to tell my ex (loosest use of the word “ex” ever but work with me here) over text “I had fun with you tonight but it got my hopes up.” A couple years later he tells me he is gay while I sit on the ground with mixing bowls, so a 2 year delay in response? Not ideal.
The tactics that I have most OFTEN utilized are simple; physical contact (mostly inebriated) and word of mouth (have my friends tell him/her). In 2017 I was plastered and rush-kissed a long term crush, didn’t remember it, and my brother told me what I did the following day. The word of mouth by friends has honestly been the most effective for me, I don’t do my own dirty work okay! I simply cannot face the music.
A lot of people inform me that of COURSE they tell the people they like, that they like them. They say “I had to get it out” or “I had to let them know.” I’ll often stare open mouthed at the person revealing this and think, what would possess you to be HONEST with someone you like? Are you mental? This is clearly a suicide mission. Why would you reveal your feelings to someone unless you are 847% certain that they feel the same way? Holding the pain of unrequited love is one thing, but humiliation/rejection? NO THANKS, STRONG PASS.
But despite my almost gag like reflex to the idea, here I am anyhow at age 30 and contemplating it. Drunk rush-kissing a semi-closeted person does not seem like a good idea and based on what I know about her, she likes to have the information first. But I’ve never gotten the words out before so what would make me think I’d be successful at it now?
I will absolutely be letting you guys know how it goes in emotional and unnecessary detail, if I’m actually able to go through with it! Maybe my 13 year old self had something going with that letter idea… what’s the adult version of that? Email?