Telling someone? Are you insane?

So I have been wanting to post something since the beginning of January but I guess I’ve been holding out and waiting to write until something had officially “happened” and then I’d be able to report back, triumphantly! But now I’m like eh what the hell who needs an epic moment, lets tell everyone mediocre phenomenon!

So the new year pretty much started with me finding out in a crowded bar that my crush of 3 years (god help me) is “feeling it.” Picture me with multiple beers under my belt, screaming with my eyes, TELL ME EVERYTHING. Essentially several friends are giving me the green light on going for it with this crush, saying that she is feeling the same way I have been feeling for years.  Mind you it is a triple quadruple victory when your crush is a straight woman. You should see the cockiness I’ve been strutting since finding out, like who do I think that I am? This confidence is slightly terrifying.

Some background information, this crush is Tilly! A woman I wrote about around a year ago when she had waltzed back into my life and per tradition, ruined whatever dating potential I had going on at the time. If you remember the story (you 100% don’t, I had to go back and read it just now) we had some crazy electricity and I had the tendency to forget that she was presenting as a straight person.

So anyways I suppose I’ve been waiting around for a moment that can classify her and I as together or starting something or literally anything at all. Some of my friends though have been saying this really scary thing to me, they keep telling me I should let her know how I feel.

Sorry what?

Tell her how I feel? And her hear me?

Well as psychotic as they sound they have taken hold of my brain in it’s very vulnerable state and it is actually making sense to stop this 3 year loop of Friendship-Infatuation- I ghost the person I was starting to date-Friendship again, and actually say some words to her

Okay so here’s the problem, these are the two memories I have of telling someone how I feel with words:

1) I am 13 years old and the boy, Dean, stays with his grandmother who lives four doors down. Dean was a grade A hunk if I ever saw one, went to a well off school that was not mine, and wore Abercrombie and Fitch which should have been the blaring stop sign to be honest. I wrote him a note telling him that I liked him and then gave it to him to read while I bounced on the trampoline. I could never tell you the words he said back to me because I have no memory of them but all I know is that he was SO nice about it and went on that afternoon pretending like it never happened. A true prince!

2) I’m drunk and turning 25 the next day and I think it’s a GREAT idea to tell my ex (loosest use of the word “ex” ever but work with me here) over text “I had fun with you tonight but it got my hopes up.” A couple years later he tells me he is gay while I sit on the ground with mixing bowls, so a 2 year delay in response? Not ideal.

The tactics that I have most OFTEN utilized are simple; physical contact (mostly inebriated) and word of mouth (have my friends tell him/her). In 2017 I was plastered and rush-kissed a long term crush, didn’t remember it, and my brother told me what I did the following day. The word of mouth by friends has honestly been the most effective for me, I don’t do my own dirty work okay! I simply cannot face the music.

A lot of people inform me that of COURSE they tell the people they like, that they like them.  They say “I had to get it out” or “I had to let them know.” I’ll often stare open mouthed at the person revealing this and think, what would possess you to be HONEST with someone you like? Are you mental? This is clearly a suicide mission. Why would you reveal your feelings to someone unless you are 847% certain that they feel the same way? Holding the pain of unrequited love is one thing, but humiliation/rejection? NO THANKS, STRONG PASS.

But despite my almost gag like reflex to the idea, here I am anyhow at age 30 and contemplating it. Drunk rush-kissing a semi-closeted person does not seem like a good idea and based on what I know about her, she likes to have the information first. But I’ve never gotten the words out before so what would make me think I’d be successful at it now?

I will absolutely be letting you guys know how it goes in emotional and unnecessary detail, if I’m actually able to go through with it! Maybe my 13 year old self had something going with that letter idea… what’s the adult version of that? Email?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Office Christmas Party turned Night Club

Have you ever been at a club begging your nearest friend to text the other group of friends who got separated from you at a dive bar,  because you really just want to hook up with one particular person but are far too ashamed to admit it to your friends?

So now you have to make up weird shit about why that group needs to meet up with your group like “Tanya is just a really great dancer, I need a really good dancer to dance with” or “Todd made me a bet that I wouldn’t dance on the bar so you need to get him over here so I can prove him wrong.” I wasn’t so quick on my feet last night so I used “tell Luke to come over here because I want to see how drunk his friend is.” Yeah not my best.

6 hours ago I was not thinking about Luke and was actually hyper focusing on what to wear to the work Christmas party because my newest crush, The Consultant, was going to be there. She ultimately did not show up, leaving my perfectly crafted ensemble to impress no one, and it wasn’t until me and my coworkers had left the party, walked the streets of downtown and  landed in a dive bar, that I was told that Luke was joining us in 5 minutes.

Luke, also a coworker, whom I’ve had varying degrees of speculation that he could be interested in me but usually pairing it with knowledge that I tend to create something out of nothing at all (examples such as being in the same room at the same time or them saying they also get iced coffee at Starbucks).  I’ve fallen under the charms of some of Luke’s flattery at times but usually snap out of it under 3 minutes, reminding myself how young he is or asking myself what if The Consultant found out we hooked up and thought (much) less of me?

But here we are now at this bar and he comes directly for me, trying to convince me to share a drink with him. People let me tell you it takes 5 seconds for me to realize that I am READY. Call it reaching my peak horniness level that week, call it disappointment that The Consultant did not make it to the Christmas party, call it that I looked good and no one else was noticing. Call it what you like but I was in the mood for a mistake.

Not 20 minutes later my group is moving to the night club, hence my hysterics about getting the other group to come too. But alas the night is growing cold, aka my buzz is wearing off, and I am Lyfting home disappointed yet a teensy bit grateful? I mean had our groups not separated I would be preparing myself for an awkward Monday morning at the office, where I enhance the narrative that I drank a lot even when my coworkers swear only saw me drink 3 beers. I still didn’t have a plan about that beyond “Oh you didn’t see me down those 4 shots? You must have been in the bathroom.”

This morning I wake up to a text message from my coworker, stating that she and Luke had hooked up after the club last night. Mind you this is the same coworker that I asked to text Luke multiple times last night to come to the club, under made up reasons.  There is something about unexpected bruised feelings that makes it really hard to reply right away, in the way you know you should be replying.  I am ashamed to say that my first text back to her was “the Luke we work with?” Yes yes, eye-roll emojis for days, I am ridiculous blah blah. That 8th grade brain just kicked in and underneath the veil of confusion and naivety is basically jealously yelling “But I thought he was into ME!”

As I quickly begin to ascend my throne of judgment (probably my favorite chair in the house) I reflect upon what a weak minded idiot Luke is. Sentences form such as oh he just goes for ANYONE then, got it.  I continue to bask in the glory of the better person I most certainly am and it takes me probably like 2,000 seconds to realize I JUST DID THE SAME THING.

I had 10 hours ago tried to hook up with Luke despite my feelings for our other coworker and had pushed all concerns about my future with her aside, in the name of attention and some ass.

We’re all just drunk and single and want what we want when we want it, which is very hard to explain to an 8th grader, who is lost in the effects of “betraying” our one true love. 8th graders think they know what hormones are but are not remotely prepared for adult-drinking level hormones. I try to tell my 8th grade-brain that it’s similar to the way you feel so cool and great when smoking a cigarette AND you can actually go out and get more, no one will even card you (mostly).

So after being irritated for the whole morning, I wonder if my judgment with Luke for hooking up with our coworker despite his (possible) attraction to me is really about me judging ME, about trying to hook up with someone that isn’t The Consultant. Having to now remind myself that I am not a BAD person. The Consultant and I are not dating and I’ve been working on building a friendship with her and getting to know her, but the 8th grader in me is determined to plague us with guilt about being attracted to people who are also drunk and single, for what? I don’t even know if The Consultant is a cat person yet!

Maybe it is time to step out of my 8th grade body and into my 30 year old one, you know, reality! Also maturity would be fantastic because we draw for Secret Santa in 4 days…. wish me luck!

 

 

30

Turning 30 is drinking champagne while you pay bills, that’s the story.

I purchased the champagne on sale and it very well could have been the sweetest champagne ever mass produced. I absolutely did not get tipsy drinking it, perhaps a good things seeing as how I was paying bills…

I did not freak out like I know some people do at 30, only because I felt the 30 upon me months ago. It happened while I was in a Styles for Less at the mall and suddenly I realized that it looked odd for ME to be there. I actually got this like cold sweat wondering if anyone thought I was looking for clothes for my daughter and then I couldn’t stop my brain from thinking about what all the employees were thinking about and if they were thinking about what must I be thinking about actually stepping into this store. Eventually I left because trying to think the thoughts of three different employees (all younger than me by the way) became more stressful than my trip to find a belt had really needed to be. Also, not but 2 days after I turned 30, a McDonalds employee DID mistakenly take my teenage client for my daughter and I was like hmm weird that cold sweat is back again. This time it was followed up by fries though so that was an infinitely better ending then just bolting out of a store.

But just to show the world that I’m not wallowing and taking the 30 lying down, I did go big for the 30th and pulled out all the stops! I bought a shirt and decided it was a dress! I also bought hair extensions and put on every cosmetic that I owned. I said goodbye to my 20’s which apparently were already trying to say bye for months now and kick me out of stores. Probably more JCPenny’s in my future I would think.

For the big night my friends and I went to a big theater production downtown where we downed drinks immediately and took more pictures than my phone had space for. And because no matter what age I am, I am always myself, I promptly fell head over heels for someone completely unattainable,

I fell in love with a drag queen.

I can hear laptops unplugging and closing. People are getting up and and leaving the stadium. Strangers dogs are looking away from me, in shame. Preschoolers in a large group just have out it out with me and say

No. Absolutely not. No.

These reactions are understandable. I’ve asked my friends, family, and fellow readers to expend reality SO many times to empathize with my latest love infatuation, but we all  have our limit.

I didn’t plan it! Ok! I just momentarily forgot that ordinarily drag queens are GAY men and I’m a woman and you know how things like that can just slip your memory. It could happen to anyone and yes it;s possible I got a little caught up in the moment.

Sitting in front of a large cup of coffee the next morning, watching my thumbs press follow on basically all social media sites this drag queen (her name is Rosa) has active, I sensed this was not the wisest partner seeking I’d ever done and decided to reflect.

I hadn’t gotten far with the reflection because I hadn’t finished all the coffee in the mug and because I also hadn’t stopped scrolling through social media even a little bit but then I remembered the dream I recently had.

The night before my 30th birthday I had a dream that I was dating someone who looked exactly like Megan Fox. EXACTLY. You know what fuck it, it was Megan Fox. So to continue, I’m in my dream and I’m with Megan Fox and for whatever reason she is looking to me for answers. Answers, clarity, I don’t know some type of decision making.  She has her head turned and her mouth annoyed in a kind of “I’m annoyed at you” way. It’s interesting because Megan Fox is there and she is waiting on ME. I guess I found it odd because in dream world (and possibly, life)  I am waiting on others to do something or reacting to something someone did or said. But here she is specifically waiting on me… for what?

Is she waiting on me to grow up?

First of all, I can become whatever age Megan Fox wants me to be or anyone she wants me to be, I need her to know that. Second, is growing up basically not tying all your hopes and dreams onto a stranger? Because that just makes good sense. Third, these are my dreams so I can interpret them and also slip them into random inner monologues whenever I damn well please!

You’ll all be relieved to know that I did not look up Rosa’s next shows and go to them. Nor have I set up alerts to see when she has texted or anything. I follow her on social media and that is the only way in which I will know her. Look at me huh? Only took me 30 years to not pursue a drag queen seconds after meeting her! I am really living that word that millennials created! – #Adulting

 

 

 

Dating & Robots

My latest dating app-binge landed me with over four planned dates in one weekend span and a heart rate that wouldn’t let up. That’s a lot of coffee in two days!

Caffeine overdosing aside, you can guess how this went.

I’m 32% sure I went out with a robot. On our first date the weekend prior, I thought he was nervous. I should question the leeway I give people on first dates. If I’m nervous but can still act normal then so can other HUMANS.

I also entertained the possibility that this was a social experiment and/or I was on a TV show. Maybe I’m correct in assuming he is a robot but the real test is how long do I stay on the date, could determine my own gullibility. Are people shouting to me “HOW DUMB ARE YOU?!” on Twitter as we speak?

Only twelve minutes in and I was creeped the fuck out. I would tell a delightful anecdotal story and he would say “ha ha wow that’s crazy.” Just as he had done the other four times. Picture a person saying “ha ha”  the EXACT way you read it. Shivers up my spine. I contemplated throwing half my drink out in the bush when he wasn’t looking because I felt like I had to be completely uninhibited in case this particular robot was given a mission or something. How do I know that I’m not a key player in it’s plan for world dominance? and also the sooner the drinks are empty the sooner the date is over?

Placing your body as far away as possible from someone you are sharing a table with is challenging. Another reason for only being 32% sure was that he (it?) was HANDSY. It didn’t even make sense! But perhaps this particular robot has a coding like as soon as he finishes one of his robotic sentences such as “wow that’s funny” the code 6257993 presents, telling his hand to reach exactly 3 centimeters closer to where mine is trying to steer my drink and whole existence to the other side of the country.

While I was googling under the table “what songs put robots to sleep?” my best friend was going on an online date that could be written into a best-selling romantic novel – in the future when meeting people in real life becomes completely out of the question –  and was ACTUALLY excited to be going on a first date.

Her and this guy had matched over a week ago and were talking every hour, on the hour. He was wild about her and the two of them were so excited to meet each other in person that their cellphones were probably both glitching with exclamation point overload. It was possibly the cutest thing I had ever witnessed and probably the only truly positive online dating interaction I’ve ever had anyone tell me about.

Their first date was somehow even BETTER than expected. Chemistry, common interests and the real winner: mutual physical attraction.

The day after their date he texted and canceled their second date but was still texting excitedly, so all appeared normal.

Then he went radio silent for an entire weekend.

It was a complete 180 and was so out of character that even I, the cynic, wondered if he had been killed in a freak accident.

When he did respond on Sunday, to my best friends concerned text of “hey,  you okay?” It was like a different person had his phone. He acted as if she was clingy for texting over the weekend. Not an exclamation point in sight.

Neither my best friend or I having any ability to unravel this, I luckily next day was given this article by Facebook – who knows me better than I know myself and is actually probably a way creepier robot than the one I had drinks with – that provides labels for different types of dating app blow-offs and how to spot them. Link provided here:

https://www.urbo.com/content/signs-that-hes-just-not-that-into-you/

I thought to myself, finally! The revolution!

But then after, realizing, that these are already behaviors I have blogged about for YEARS, but are now being given names and categories and are via app/online dating only. Cancel the revolution, this is a simple history lesson on a very high tech white board.

Not to take this blog post on a tour away from the playful loathing of all men, but the beginning of the article begins with the author stating that she has been in the online-dating game for almost a decade. Whoa! I thought. But then it hit me, I’ve been doing this for awhile too.

My blog is five years old now and my stories cycle around like I’m throwing them in the dryer.  Bad date, drunken night, and over the top analyzing of if a person returns my feelings. I started noticing three months ago that old blogs I had begun following years ago are gone, unused. Few remain and some that do, still blog about the same types of dates, the same types of guys, everything is the same except their age.

I see it even now as I once again look for roommates on Craigslist as friends move out with their significant others. I felt it the other night as I texted a friend about a bartender that I have a crush on. When is the appropriate time to follow him on Instagram? I began to text a friend asking her if one of my brothers friends that I have a crush on is coming out tonight. This all floods me with deja’vu. How many times have I done this? Texted this? Gone for this person? Wanted to go for this person but did nothing instead? This is all the same.

I had to ask myself, Do I do anything different, ever? Am I a robot myself, my brain giving me codes that tell me to do this action now, but which leads me to the same result every single time?

This isn’t to talk shit about online dating, or dating in general. This is my own personal wake up call. I write about it in hopes that if someone else is experiencing this same dating cycle, maybe you know how to get out of it and you could tell me? That’d be super great thanks!

Robots in the movies often learn to love the kid that initially made them a pet,  and then the robots basically have some form of heart-feelings and are different so there is plenty of hope for me, based upon this reference to maybe two animated movies I’ve seen in the past three years.

Headed  to bed now to probably have some nightmares about looking down to find that my hands are now iron wielded claws, thanks for reading folks!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Girl, A Phone, A Romantic Comedy!

The admin life has left me! Or I have left it! Or we have parted ways only to be reunited once we drop our kids back off to each other at the park! Regardless I am free from the perils of a perfectly nice office environment that I haven’t stopped complaining about for six months, and it feels good!

One of my last required dinners with the office I was tasked with going to the grocery store to find birthday candles, picking up the cake from the bakery, and then bringing it to the restaurant. I spent minutes silently congratulating myself for not dropping the cake as I have the tendency to cast myself in my own movie, as funny and single female protagonist who is genetically clumsy, would usually drop the cake and be now in a tub of self loathing.

So to summarize, I am very excited about my new job! I am now working at a non-profit focused on environmental issues and find myself out in the field talking to other businesses which I enjoy immensely.

Around the time I was preparing for my new job to begin, I re-downloaded a dating app and I saw a girl while browsing, whose place of work had very similar descriptions, to well, mine. She seemed cool and I thought it would be far too coincidental for her to actually be employed at my new job, the odds!

On my first day, my coordinator tells me that there is another employee  that I would get along well with, and as she walks toward me I recognized her instantly from the app. I prayed that she hadn’t  been on the app in years, like she had created it drunk one night in the middle of a blackout, that the email attached to it isn’t valid now, or she doesn’t even believe in phones!

Everything started off fine with App girl (her christian name) and we got along well. I began to breathe an overly dramatic sigh of relief. Whew! She never saw me on the App, she browsed right on past me. App girl and I then walk into a meeting together and I see her on her phone awhile.

I said inaudibly to myself “wouldn’t it be hilarious if that damn app matched us today? Ha ha.”

 

ha ha

ha ha….

 

So apps hear our thoughts now, they don’t even bother with our scroll history.

Hours later I’m finally opening up the app and what do you know, indeed we’ve been matched, that same day. I instantly feel irritated that I am NOT in a movie, because this, much like dropping a cake in the middle of a street and disappointing a whole work gathering, is movie worthy! It is a romantic comedies bread and butter, it is the girl meeting the guy the night before and then walking into the office and she is his new boss. It is the woman sleeping with a cutie she met at the bar and walking into work to learn that his company has now partnered with hers and the two of them will be working on a new project together. This is the gay equivalent!

So after I wrote four Hollywood worthy plot lines in my head, that I felt like really captured this scenario at it’s most comedic and cliche, I clicked on the essential No Thank You button on the app. It felt like a safer route and I  hoped that it would be something her and I could laugh off later. Oh those dating apps, they are so silly and troublesome, why are we on those? (As we say it, we’ll both remember that we complain about the traffic to our fridges when we get home).

My second day at work one of my coordinators informs me that I’ll be attending a training on ethical business practices in Arizona and that I will probably travel there with another person in our department.

ha ha….

HA HA

Should my eyes look this large when I laugh?

Naturally my travel companion would be app girl.

Weeks later the trip is canceled due to other needs within the department, and now app girl has a very cool and aloof tone and demeanor when she is with me. I have regressed and begun to blame things such as apps for my life’s grievances,  but continue to download them and become embarrassed about something I said or did on the app and then call up all my friends and make them listen to the story and repeat.

The app, though all it has brought is drama and nervousness to my life, has been a kind of stability. Feelings re-emerged for boy I tried to hit on one year ago this month and as I get to sit there and listen to him deliver me the jovial story line of the girls he is attempting to date just even in the past couple of months, I like to think that I am also attempting to date, and will also have a colorful anecdote to share that will hopefully shut him up about his love life forever and ever, amen.

Okay and I am just curious, is anyone else completely and irrevocably fucking DONE with some of the App-Profile-Verbage?

If one more guy or girl says they are looking for someone who “likes to try new things” I swear on my life I will pop every beach toy in my pool, string them together in a line, and walk from end to end calling myself Jesus of the Shallow End. IS THIS THE NEW THING YOU WERE HOPING FOR?

Don’t even get me started with the “someone who makes me laugh.” Well damn, I’m only out here to get a scowl or too, this won’t work.

Okay before this tangent gets too long and provokes me further, I want to wish all my other Dating App Users luck, and as for the folks out there doing it in real life, well you are living the dream right now so I don’t need to wish you as much luck, you get to hear them list their hobbies in real time, enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She’ll be Coming Around the Mountain When It’s Most Inconvenient

As one could guess, the sparkling, pasrty-ridden love of me and Cake Girl is no more, and was there, never.

Apparently each extreme measure of notice to me was all in the name of friendship, and she is actually seeing a guy right now. Excellent work, me! Gotta give a shout out to myself for knowing how to build nothing into something!

After our night out ended I imagined her going home to tell her boyfriend about the awesome friendship that has started with me, as I bang my head on my steering wheel and text everyone I know “WTF.”

Now we say hi to eachother quite as we did before, her excitedly and me as friendly as I can muster to save face and dignity. Hello! How are you?I never had any hopes beyond the honor of this slightly intense female friendship!

And as I quickly pick my spirits back up from the ground where I threw them, enter scene Tilly.

Tilly is someone you – my fellow readers, and family members I’ve coerced into putting up with this – never got to know because she came about during my No-Blogging era of two almost-ish years.

The story of me and Tilly is that we began as coworkers and friends, spending most of our time together cracking jokes and making fun of eachother. Sometimes I would worry about her when she went out on assignments and I assumed that was normal.

Then one night we had training, and as I was leaving, the speaker talking and the room quiet, I squeezed Tilly’s hand upon leaving the room to say bye and immediately felt I had been electrocuted in a supernatural way.

A weird buzzing hum of my whole body followed the “zap,” I later wrote of it in my journal as “body on fire.” Which is more truthful to the sensation. It’s like your skin is burning, singeing off of your body onto the floor, but in a good way!

That moment changed everything and I became aware of Tilly like I never had before. The physical attraction began for her then and I’ve experienced nothing like it since.

Five months later, I’m 100% infatuated with her. I can’t sleep, I ask her to hang out, she claims busyness, I selfishly drop our close friendship and we fall into niceties, we see eachother less, I think every car driving past me is hers, I try to date other people, we slowly begin to be politely friendly again after months gone by,

and then I fall for someone new, a really cool chick, and I’m STOKED. This person could really be into to me, this could really work!

Then, suddenly, like when you make the perfect cup of coffee and then accidentally knock it over, I hear through vague sentences and many metaphorical telephone lines, that Tilly is now into me.

I could have thrown a chair out a window, like I see characters ultimately frustrated by everything, do in movies. So picture me a frustrated character of a ridiculously drama fueled plot line, finally seeing a light at the end of a dark tunnel only to question if that light in the dark tunnel is really the one or not.

I was never able to go forward with the new cool chick and nothing ever led on with Tilly despite rumored statements and obscure words passed on by really hopeful people.

Which leads us to the present. It has been eight months since Tilly and I have spoken, a month or so after Cake Girl and I went out for “friend drinks” and I had just been allowing myself to get a little caught up in what I call “curiosity-feelings” for a girl who has been around for awhile. Her and I had begun talking a little more each day when Tilly texted me.

Which has now led to me and Tilly texting several times a week, sharing books, and making coffee dates, all in the name of, you guessed it, friendship.

Coincidentally during this period, a guy from Blog Posts Past who I lovingly termed MCC for Male Coworker Crush, slipped back into my work world, almost as if hearing in the wind that I needed more people in my life whom I do not have sex with.

He came in astride with new girlfriend and adorable yellow lab and a sense of happiness that is evident in everything. We connected again with ease, he caught me up on all the people he dated that were not me, and then dipped back out of my life after landing a successful job, wishing me luck of course, in all my endeavors.

To put the icing on the cake, the nail in the coffin, the lime in the coconut, the “Fin” at the end of an indie movie, The Boy Next Door returns for the first time since July to startle me with news that he is seeing someone.

I heard that Bon Jovi song go off in my head

Shot to the heart! And you’re to blame! You give looooove….

……. a perfectly valid reason to be dating someone seeing as how we are not and have never been together.

Besides that small moment of bitter song editing, surprising myself the most I am actually handling all of this really well! My thoughts for the most part stay focused on the friendships with these people now, with 75% less pining and disappointment and then avoiding!

The two reasons I correlate to my change in behavior are

1. I’m ever so mature, and less temper-tantrum like when people don’t return my intense feelings.

2. (And the more likely) I have had time spent away to let the infatuation part wear off.

I might not be great with the Boy Next Door one yet. That shit feels real fresh but I’m still going to pat myself on the back and congratulate myself on what an adult I am.

Now if you’ll excuse me, adults get to drink

Cakes and Categories

One of the hottest women of my acquaintance delivered a cake to me, made for me, just for me this weekend and I feel like the universe is finally getting my voicemails.

Even if I have to watch this girl bring a cake to every one of my coworkers over the next week, this moment still stands in the Top 10 Things I Actually Want to Remember About This Fucking Year.

I asked for her number that same night that she brought the cake in, all in nerves and rambling but received minimal words and mostly smilies via text after and since then I’ve been pretty much all real smiles myself. There are also so many Marie Antoinette quips that I want to make but I don’t even know where to start with them, you all are welcome.

I wish I could stand a little sturdier in my certainty about her being 100% interested, but if you’re like me at all and you’ve placed people into romantic categories, you know that certain categories come with little chance of returned favor, and so when they show up with cakes you can react internally at yourself like this:

It’s a cake you dumb fuck not a date

Jumping to the don’t get your hopes up is such a reflex! As a serial non-dater who hates rejection passionately, I have created categories for self protection, specifically to not find myself reaching for people beyond my reach, if you know what I’m saying.  It’s like universal law, you can’t just go after ANYONE you like, there are rules! Categories! And these categories help me manage expectations.

The categories of crushes are informally ushered in as the following:

The Objects

Don’t think actual objects, think instead the phrase “object of my desire.” Folks in this category are tangible, meaning you touch them, brush shoulders with them, you are in their society. The Objects are people in my groups of friends, coworkers, classmates, neighbors and roommates. You are almost constantly with people in this category and often you show at least a handful of commonalities or shared interests, for example if you’re both around age 26, then drinking would be your main interest and also commonality.  What’s great about crushing on someone in this group? You get to get all tangled up in those feelings all the damn time because if you’re not around this person then you’re at least seeing their witty remarks in group texts. What is sucky? When you get to see them hitting on other people/are asked for help to help them hit on other people.

The Elites

This is basically your highest category, the most unattainable, giving you least reason to exercise any potential hope. These are folks who shouldn’t be seen with you and you wouldn’t expect them to! Call it being rich or just of a higher social class, these folks just feel out of reach and whom you have no intersecting groups or connections with. Those crushes in this group have far superior social graces so they will always be kind to you in passing but who feel more like local celebrities than friends. Elites in my world often times look like a bosses niece or nephew, a trainer contracted to come out to my work for a seminar, an out of town relative to the bride and groom at a wedding, a coworker of a  friend of a friend. In general these people don’t appear too much in my society so seeing them is temporary. What’s great is that those small glimpses leave a lot to the imagination of who they really are and they millions of ways they could fall in love with you, were you a completely different person. What’s sucky is that you might feel that you can’t measure up, that you wore your best skirt but it doesn’t even strike a cord to their level of fashion.

The Runners

This is  a middle ground between the two groups, where people fall a little bit closer to the standards of your particular society however they still are not completely available. Named The Runners because to you, they appear always on the move, always in the lieu of change, and you can’t keep up. Moments with them are fleeting, think of the phrase “sorry, you just missed him.” “sorry, she just stepped out.” That is what this group is like, you are trying to find your footing but the plates spin too fast. Folks in this group are my roommates brother who comes into town for holidays and has a lot of people to catch up with so you take him in in small doses when feasible. It’s your good friends old college friend in the city for the weekend and suddenly you are volunteering as to go to all the group wine tastings, brunches, and drunk mcdonalds trip there are, but then the weekend is over. A symptom of crushing on someone in this group is though it can feel like there is never enough time. You want to impress them, learn about them, but every time they slip back into your world you start over. What’s good about this type of crush is that it saves you from the monotony of your Object crush or Elite crush, and gives you someone to think of and then long for when they leave the next day. The sucky thing is that well they leave just as you’ve made some progress.

My new cake-bringer-gal, whose name is Pearla by the way, is firmly rooted in The Runners category. Though she is on my playing field and becoming more connected to my coworkers she still remains a passing ship for the most part. It’s like going to sit down as someone gets up to leave, that feeling of wishing you had been there two seconds earlier.

Pearla has been my unspoken crush for awhile until I blurted it out to coworkers two months ago and to which they began a silent mission to make me a  more bold version of myself. In truth it is them, my coworkers and their almost annoyingly constant encouragement that made it seem plausible that there could be something between me and someone so engaged in a million other things and seemingly oblivious to me. After much positive feedback from the coworkers, I gave her a drink on the house one time and she brought in pastries for me same day. I then approached her for more conversation that normal and she stayed awhile to stir her coffee a little longer, and  then about two weeks ago she began to ask my coworkers where I was on my nights off.

All that to say that for all the good my categories do at self protection, had I not been encouraged to take a step outside of them, I wouldn’t have this memory of a beautiful girl smiling at me over the top of a cake. I also wouldn’t have a memory of one of the strangest nervous laughs of my life but focusing back on the cake moment, the cake moment!

I do stand by my categories and their usefulness to me specifically but I am glad in this moment that I was pushed out of them. I really do not think that Pearla would have noticed me had I not done some things to get her attention, and I owe it all to my coworkers who see more possibilities than I do and who also love to stir the pot lets be honest, who doesn’t want to see other coworkers get into messy dating scenarios and have things to gossip about for months?

The hardest part might be coming up soon, how do I keep a Runners attention? Our texting has already slipped into some monotony and silence, not having taken a deeper course at all, I may have to step up and formally ask her out, continuing to put myself in her view before she runs off to the next adventure.

If nothing else I have a great memory or two, a little experience with putting myself in someones path, and I might make 2017 the Year of the Cakes! Instead of Year of the Fuckboy,s which was my prior working title, Calories over Asshats? I’ll let you guys know where I land on that, in the meantime, enjoy all the sweets because life is short and romance is all through text anyway!