Presidents Day and my Whirlwind Romance

Holidays such as Presidents day and events such as Free Communication Weekend on any dating site, are terrible pairings and it’s a terrible coincidence that both should occur together though at the same time brilliant on behalf of the dating site.

Am I the only one who gets lonely on random holidays? The office is closed and you’re bored as fuck.

You know you have stuff you should get done still, so you attempt to work from home while in your pajamas, but then as you’re looking for any possible distraction to eliminate doing any kind of real work in your pajamas, you remember that commercial that said Eharmony was doing a free communication weekend special and it ends at midnight tonight.

I loathe myself and all my holiday decisions.

I basically signed up for one free day and then texted half the people I know, that I had done so. Why? So someone could talk me out of it? Doubtful, since I was putting my picture up and cropping it in a flattering way at the time.

After an hour of being subscribed but not really subscribed, I begin to give way to impatience. It’s been over an hour and I only have until midnight to meet someone. This is my only chance ever! Not dramatic at all.

So I began “smiling” at my “matches” – that’s Eharmony for clicking a button on someone else’s profiles and saying hey I noticed you a little, and matches refer to the people that Eharmony found you to be compatible with based upon the personality questionnaire you both took.

I was three hours deep into waiting for something when finally entered Marcus.

He smiled at me (clicked the smilie face button on my profile) and wanted to get to know me (started a scripted back and forth exchange of information written by the site) and seemed really sweet (allowed the exchange of information to continue) and was everything I wanted him to be (he continued to let the prompt ask me questions).

I was smitten, I was hooked. How amazing that I just happened to do this today!

I loved everything on his profile. Did I mention that I couldn’t see his picture? Or any picture of him? Oh I didn’t mention that?

I wasn’t a technical real member of Eharmony and couldn’t see my matches pictures nor could they see mine (pretty sure) so I had to go off of what they wrote about themselves or where they claimed to be employed.

I was in love with a profile and a prompted discussion.

I was excited as anything as the site continued to prompt us to ask eachother about 5 things we can’t stand, our most ideal careers, how we would act at a party – oh the romance!

When it was at last all nearing to a close, Eharmony wouldn’t even let me message Marcus because I wasn’t subscribed. They did not approve of our love.

So he sneakily put his email into a prompted description question. HA!

The email piece happened just before midnight that night. The anxiety of the free communication ending at exactly midnight (highly unlikely) led me to panic that Marcus and I would not be able to exchange communication once the clock struck twelve.

It’s kind of like a modern day Cinderella story if you think about it. The clock struck twelve and that was it! Thank god she left that slipper behind.

I imagined in my half hour of stress leading up to midnight that our story was the same and that if nothing was left behind then we would be forever to part and never to find one another. We would spend decades searching and eventually I would cave and take out a personal loan to pay for the monthly charges so I could subscribe to the site, but by the time I subscribed it would be for naught because he would have already taken the money he used to spend on his monthly Eharmony fees, and use them instead to hire a private detective to find me.

I suppose this doesn’t exactly mirror the tragedy that would have been Cinderella not leaving the slipper but all in all how would that have been right?

Anyways so Marcus and I emailed the next day, very minimally because I was running from job to job.

All that day however I felt a bounce in my step. Twice I caught myself before revealing to strangers or coworkers that I was “talking to someone.”

I mean we had exchanged some very basic pleasantries about how our days were going and had yet to even discuss the exchanging of phone numbers, so you’re wondering how I jumped so far ahead and I don’t really have an answer for you.

In talking to one of my roommates about my new found love I threw out my curiosity of if Marcus had a facebook or not.

An hour or so later my roommate texted me that Marcus did not have a Facebook but he did have a Linkedin.

What happens next is devastating. Prepare yourself.

My roommate then texted me the screen shot of Marcus’s Linkedin account with his picture. Same last name, place of employment, age, etc.

I was leaving the parking lot of my work at this time and I can’t remember what any of my thoughts were when I received the picture but I do remember audibly half crying out “NOOO”

Marcus’s face was buried in fat.

Like a lot of it.

He looked at least 10 years older than his claimed age, and it looked like the only passions and hobbies he really pursued were eating.

Instantly furious with my roommate for exposing me to the truth and instantly grateful that he did.

Convinced for about a day and a half that Marcus and I were soul mates, this was a crushing blow.

I have learned my lesson (probably) about online dating the cheap/free way. Pretty much if you want results you better pay up, otherwise you’re simply flying blind.

I will say that I really did like Eharmony though and if I ever become a millionaire I will immediately subscribe and find a new Marcus who eats a normal amount and we will probably live in bliss, very similar to Cinderella, and or Sleeping Beauty once she wakes up.

why 2014 was so wonderful despite having zero dates

If 2014 had a hand, I would shake it. Probably too enthusiastically, while misty eyed with gratitude.

2014 would probably try to pretend they had an errand to run or an appointment they had to get to, to rid themselves of the outpouring of all my affection, but I can’t help myself. 2014 I love you!

It won’t make sense to you I’m sure, I had not one date for the whole year. Not ONE. What?

But seriously, who gives a fuck? This year has been sensational. Yes I lived with my parents and than a stripper but now I live with my best friends and no strippers!

A handful of weeks before 2014 was over, the nonprofit I’ve been working part-time for asked me to go full time with them. I have loved the work I’ve been doing with them for the past year and I think the contentment I felt with being a part of their team has overridden some of the more negative things of this year, like moving out my belongings at night while my stripper roommate was out, well stripping.

In 2014 I discovered I was an infp through the myers-briggs personality test and then through learning about my infp-ness I have found all my crazy and misunderstood, understood!I no longer blame myself for not thinking the way others do, especially when it comes to romance. I also readily accept that I oftentimes prefer the pretend relationships that go on in my head over the real ones – is that zero date thing making more sense now?

Thinking back on everything though, it blows my mind how that terrible job I took in 2013 that moved me back here led me to my current job. It blows my mind that it took living with a stripper to force me to move in with one of my best friends and my ex, and now I couldn’t imagine anything I wanted more. Well besides a cat, I really want a cat.

2014 just makes me feel lucky. Like I’m the prettiest girl in the ballroom and Mr. Darcy noticed me lucky.

The last date I was on was that guy from the wedding, do you remember? He lives on the east coast now. He made the decision to go there minutes after our date ended. He was on a plane by that evening. I hear he has a beard now.

I want to tell 2014 again how much I love them but I fear they are going to begin blocking my calls. I have enjoyed our time spent together and I just hope they know that.

(2014 you my main bisch)

28 Steps to Imaginary Romance in the Workplace

1. Pick out a straight and unattached male coworker (if you are a straight female) who is perpetually single.

2. Start out shy and slightly untrusting around your SMC (Single Male Coworker) so he has to work a little harder at getting to know you.

3. Ask for him to get you things occasionally and then thank him ever so sweetly, so he knows you have a less standoffish side.

4. Slowly began teasing him so he knows you’re clever and enjoy witty banter.

5. Banter with him a LOT.

6. Do NOT talk about the fact that you don’t have a boyfriend but do mention to a female coworker in front of your SMC that a passing male stranger is attractive. This allows jealousy to stir naturally.

7.Allow your SMC to tell you about his female crushes/random dates but do not get overly excited for him. You want to be a confidant but not a bro.

8. Do occasional thoughtful things for your SMC but then make sure to get embarrassed or shy if he brings attention to them or thanks you.

9. If your SMC takes a joke too far at your expense make sure to appear wounded and or hurt and then pretend to try to act normal. He will see through your pretending not to be hurt but he won’t see that you were pretending to be hurt to begin with. He will feel bad and want to make it up to you and this will also ensure that he knows you have a vulnerable side.

10. Get sloppy drunk at some kind of work event and plant a kiss on his cheek. This simple act that is never spoken of again will keep some hope a glow on his side that despite your attempts to keep him at a distance, you’re slowly letting your guard down.

11. Begin to laugh and smile more in his presence. He is breaking through your icy exterior!

12. Share a little more about your family and tell him when a friend hurts your feelings but continue to restrict social media so he doesn’t have unlimited access to you.

13. Implement physical touch with your SMC before and after he goes on a trip. There should already be some sexual tension by this point so make sure the contact affirms it.

14. Begin to compliment your SMC’s outfits, trendy new haircuts, and eye-wear to establish that you are noticing more things about him. Do not be concerned when these compliments aren’t reciprocated.

15. Tease him about liking a female coworker that the two of you work with until he cracks and blurts out something to the effect of “SHE is not the one I like!” and then let him text you that it’s you later on that night.

16. Continue to wait for him to crack about liking you and not the other coworker. Make sure to convince yourself that his silences are due to him being too afraid to say he likes you and not because he is getting pretty annoyed at being repeatedly teased about the other coworker over and over.

17. Begin to drunk text him occasionally. Make sure the texts are mostly stupid and sometimes unintelligible so he has no clue how to respond.

18. Over react about your SMC’s failure to respond to your drunk texts. Bring up the texts with him at work and learn that he had forgotten you had texted him. Hear all about his date with a girl he met on Tinder.

19. Desperately try to initiate more physical touch. Come up with reasons the two of you should hug like you haven’t seen him for a day and a half and or he gets something off the top shelf for you.

20. Yearn obviously for his attention even when other coworkers are present. Witness their embarrassed looks thrown in your direction, you’ve lost your mind now there is no going back.

21. Send your SMC a text and then when he answers don’t respond back. Keep up the silence until the two of you are back at work. Manage to slip into conversation that you didn’t even read his answer to your question the other day. Your nonchalance and indifference must be killing him which is why he keeps talking about this tinder date to make you jealous.

22. Spend and extra thirty minutes Christmas shopping as you try to pick out a small gift for him. Something that symbolizes everything and nothing at the same time.

23. Stalk his social media but refuse to follow him. Look for clues that he is falling in love with you.

24. Lie awake at night using verses of different Top 40 songs to depict the complexity of your relationship with your SMC. Fall back on the Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez if your SMC seemed especially un-talkative that day, or brings up having the tinder girl over to meet his parents.

25. Wear an extra short skirt to work one day, but then a more tomboy outfit the next, to show that you’re super hot but also cool. Wear the short skirt and a tomboy look on top to prove that you’re sexy but not even trying.

26. Ignore warning signs that you’ve begun to self destruct.

27. Color your hair lighter because he prefers blondes

28. Paint a watercolor picture of the two of you at work together and hang it up above your bed to look at before you go to sleep.

Do Nots #1

At your married friend’s birthday dinner…..

Do not get hung up on the fact that your ex-coworker, who was dating a beautiful blonde girl several months ago, shows up to this friends birthday dinner with now a beautiful blonde boy. Do not think to yourself “Well fine go ahead and take ALL the attractive golden haired people then” as you hug the coworker because she will certainly feel the envy radiating off your body. Try also, to not grimace when the blonde boy speaks up a half hour later and reveals that he and your ex co-worker are already talking about babies.

Don’t be alarmed and look for exits when everybody gets real excited about that blonde beauty’s wanting to have babies throwout by the way. The girl sitting next to your ex-coworker is already pregnant and the girl on the other side of her is hoping to be, and this is basically the equivalent of a pizza place opening up next to a college student apartment complex, it’s basically mass hysteria and chaos. Maybe just know where the exits are.

Do not by any means feel comfortable enough to share with a smaller section of the table down at the end, about your ridiculous and surprisingly emotional reaction to Benedict Cumberbatch’s engagement. Everyone at the other end of the table will conclude talking about all the activities they did over the weekend with their real life partners, just in time to hear that upon receiving the news you slammed shut every door in the house, said “fuck him” audibly, and then actually cried in the car on the way to work. They will not understand how a celebrity’s love life could effect your morning so catastrophically and neither will you.

Do not be thrown by the fact that your recently out Ex told you in the car on the way to this dinner, that he has two Match dates lined up this week with two very good looking men. Don’t ask to see pictures of them before you get to the restaurant because the pictures will affirm that yes these men are hot and that information will only serve to irritate you.

Do not order a beer at dinner when the rest of the table orders water. Do not ask for a second beer before dinner arrives. You will quickly set yourself up as the only single person there and the only single person there who doesn’t have upcoming coffee dates with beautiful men. Scratch what I said, order four beers.

Do not outwardly judge your married friends when they want to buy ANOTHER dog. As if your Instagram feed isn’t plagued with enough pictures of their current dog. Embrace the buying of a second dog because it will stave off the probability of them trying to conceive a child, which would make dinners in which friends can meet up and drink beers at least twice a year, a once every two years affair.

Offer maybe even to watch their dog(s) also, when they are out of town. There is a 90% chance they will ask you anyway due to your penchant to spend nights alone with a bottle of wine, as well as there is a 90% chance they will become hyper focused on showing you exactly what proportions of not-too-cold but not-too-hot water their animal(s) need and will then forget to hide their good liquor in a locked cabinet.

Do not, I repeat, Do NOT be upset when you are not asked questions about how your life is going. This is the highest award you could ever receive, the greatest blessing that could ever be bestowed upon someone single in a group setting, surrounded by couples.

Lastly, do not leave this dinner as quickly as possible with the excuse that you have to wake up before 6am the next day and then really just go home to have three more beers and watch Sleeping Beauty.

I mean who is going to believe you’re waking up before 6? Just say you work early.

28 Messages

I’ve messaged 28 men to no avail, I feel it only fair that I should be now allowed to give up, buy a cat, and rent a studio apartment.

This is my god given right to wave the flag of surrender and devote my life to work and booze. This is the new American-Drunk-Dream that involves extra deposits for my future cat whom I will name Roger, and hernias dedicated to long hours of stress and a side of overtime.

I had downloaded the fatal app that caused me to give up on the world the day after my friends and I all went downtown. As the designated driver I had expected to be the only one who did NOT do something stupid on their phone but as luck would have it, I accidentally began following The Worker Boy on social media.

I realized around 2am that I had done this and then I quickly deleted it and tried to erase any trace of it happening. The next day I began researching dating apps, because one thing I know is that when I’m not looking at Worker Boys social media, I’m texting him, and I just need to be an adult and flirt with someone online who is basically a stranger. I mean, because that’s the only thing that makes sense anymore.

So two weeks later I’ve messaged 28/men/boys/males, and been messaged by four men whom I did NOT message. Two of these four men were over 60 years old, one is hoping I’ll be his first date EVER, and the fourth I can’t really explain except to say that hell hath no fury like flame symbols all over your clothing (copyright issue?).

Two weeks, almost 30 messages sent out, but tell me to ask the cute guy from safeway what he did over the weekend and it’s a no go. He will probably say “work” and then I’ll say “me too” and then where will we be?

Now I didn’t pick the most popular app or anything, it’s called HowAboutWe and it is supposed to encourage people to go out on a date and not chat a shit ton online. It isn’t geared towards getting married, more just having fun, so I felt it was safe to download and hesitantly try.

Most of the time I find myself using it after a glass of wine or a couple of beers, where that “I’m Intrigued” button that messages the other person for you seems easier to press.

But even though scrolling is fun when intoxicated and even though I haven’t texted Worker Boy in awhile, online dating is still dreadful.

All the typical single girl blog posts that talk about how guys take the absolute least flattering pictures of all time is 100% accurate. Sometimes I’ll scroll when drunk and still say wow, these are my options.

The grammar in their profiles is terrible, the shirtless pics have me rolling my eyes, the huge cross tattoos are so “basic” I could cry and don’t even get me started on what they actually post.

“Looking for a girl who is down to chill and likes dogs”

Um yes hi, the name of the game is posting date ideas. The beginning of your post is written for you and it says “How about we…….” and that is when you put in a date idea for someone else to respond to your date idea.

Did you not read the instructions?

As fun as scrolling through terrible pictures and finding a cute one is, online dating is still where I believe romance goes to die.

I refuse to delete it because hell I did pay for it and I still don’t want to text Worker Boy, and hats off to you folks that it works for but I think I’d rather just ask Siri how her day is. She’s fiesty.

5 Reasons Why I’m Annoyed with Moms

1. Even though you say “I don’t care anymore” when the topic of breastfeeding in public comes up, guess what? I still do.

2. My sister texted me to complain about how our parents are too busy to come down and watch her child for a weekend so she can “get a break.” Let me rephrase that so you better understand, how dare our parents lead their lives so selfishly and not want to spend hundreds of dollars to fly to her house and spend their weekend babysitting her kid. What’s wrong with them? Lets rephrase again, how about what’s wrong with YOU.

3. Moms go everywhere and expect things. I need more napkins, more water, do you have a bag for my stuff? Can’t you see I’m holding a child?

Actually I can see that you are indeed holding a child, my question for you: how long have you known that you had that child? A while now? Couple years maybe? So you usually can’t carry things if you’re holding him/her, is that correct? Maybe you should consider a bag of some kind? Call me I don’t know, crazy or something, what do I know being just a single gal.

4. Your sleep deprivation is an excuse for everything. I don’t feel sorry for you.

I am consistently getting weird hours of sleep, having fucked up dreams, working two jobs and very much looking forward to the end of the night where there is a glass of wine and a bed, but that excuse isn’t good enough unless I’m juggling an infant.

5. This child birthday party thing is madness and it is bullshit. Some older folks I’ve been talking to are like WHAT? YOU were invited to a child’s birthday? How come? I never thought I would get affirmed from someone in their 60’s about non-mother etiquette, but they appear to be the ones with their heads on straight.

Back in their day, the people that attended a kids birthday party were other children and then parents who have the said children whom are attending, and then grandparents, and other family members. Unfortunately recent trends are that friends in general are being invited to children’s parties, regardless of the zero children they have, regardless of their zero interest in attending, and regardless of the fact it’s being held at ten am on a Saturday morning when clearly single folks will be hungover and only interested in nursing coffee and Tylenol on the couch.

The kids birthday party thing is probably what’s pissing me off the most right now. I have been invited to two kids birthdays inside this past month and a half. One I did attend just because the mom though it was SO FUCKING CRUCIAL that I went. Eh, there was a cute boy there, I survived. The second one was a stretch. I think I’ve met that kid a handful of times and talked once, and WHHHHHHHHHHY.

When the moms are upset that I wouldn’t want to come is when I just want to lose all my shit. This is the moment that I screw up and call all kids stupid and tell them that their kids head is shaped funny and where the mom and I ultimately become enemies, because I literally can’t comprehend why I should be forced to go to something that doesn’t apply to me and I REALLY can’t comprehend her attempts to guilt me into it.

I tried to talk to a kid at Pete’s coffee today, I tried to compliment her dress, I really tried. She ended up showing me that it wasn’t a dress but instead a shirt and skirt, as she flashed me there at the condiment car. It was important that I see the separation between the two garments, both a hot pink I might add. I tried to comment further and just got lost calling the outfit a dress again.

There are some days kids are just the worse, then when moms get involved who think that the world spins around them and their motherhood, and this is when I want to start ignoring kids and their mothers all together.

Oh I’m sorry were you talking about your 4 year old’s bounce house? Count me out, bye bye now.

crushes over everything

Screen shot 2014-08-24 at 9.39.48 AM

In her book Never Have I Ever, Katie Heaney lays it all out on the line and confesses that she is 25 years old and never really been on a second date, much less had a serious relationship.

There are so many points that I could fly off about, there are so many thoughts that this book sparks for me that it took me six or seven rewrites to settle down on even a remotely central theme and what I settled on was when Katie wrote this:

“I wanted something to happen, but I also didn’t necessarily want something to happen.”

I understand, you’re confused. Let me help!

About a week ago when I was sitting at home wondering if The Worker Boy (my coworker who I have a mild crush on and we flirt, but mildly) was going to show up at my door. Had I invited him over? God no. Had I mentioned him coming over? Nope. So what was going on in my mind, that had me looking for him at the door?

Well you see when it comes to men, most of what goes on in my brain is a fantasy.

I looked at the door for The Worker Boy because he had made a comment at work a couple hours earlier about how the two of us would never work out, dating wise. I was crushed! Sort of. I sort of would never date him like ever and at all, but I was under the presumption that his sidelong glances and our sweldering sexual tension really spoke to his undying love for me, his love that I would never return due to my extended shyness, and now he was at home thinking what have I done? How could I say that to her?

I did not have a phone that evening, it wasn’t letting me text or do anything at all as I had told him at work, which is why I knew the only way he could apologize would be to come over.

If you’re thinking that I’m exaggerating this fantasy in some way, I’m so sorry to tell you, this shit is SO real. This is what goes on in my head all the time, it just took someone else to say it first (thanks Katie).

Now most women are like uhh ask him over? What’s the problem? Well first of all I don’t have a phone right now thanks for rubbing that in, and second um asking him over ruins it.

Yes you heard me. RUINS it. All the romance is gone, now he will just come over and we will makeout as a terrible movie plays in the background, and I’ll never know if he can’t go a day without thinking about me or if he turned down a tinder date just to come over here and tell me that he was joking about us never dating and he deleted his tinder and…etc.

If he doesn’t adore me then it just doesn’t work. I don’t know how else to say it. Oh except for this: Fuck Everything that isn’t Fantasy.

Katie writes in her book about her years and years of grade school and awkward adolescence and the billions of unreturned crushes, and then one day in college a boy tells her friend, that he “really likes Katie.” She doesn’t feel the same way or end up dating him but she talked about how shocking it was to have that information. She goes on to state,

“Boys had always been something that lived only in my head, and I forgot they were real.”

This sentence had me almost fall off the couch. I have never met a soul who understood my irrational thought processes on romance and then actually wrote it down and then published it. Is she insane or a genius?

I don’t tell you all of this or explain Katie’s book to say that this is the right way to date or come on ladies, let a man woo you and tell you how special you are! God no. I haven’t been on a date in a year and four months, I would never wish this upon others.

I do tell it to you because there are probably others of us out there. Maybe one of you has a friend of a friend who has never really had a boyfriend and you can’t understand why she can’t tell that guy she likes that she likes him! Hopefully this blog or Katie’s book can act as awareness. Women Infatuated With Wooeing Awareness.

We love those friends though that want us to not be stuck in our minds forever. Who want us to seize the day! Tell them how we feel! Go get some! Like Katie, I love those friends but also like Katie, thank god I live with my best friend who gets me and knows I’m weird and wont convince me to hit on my crush because she knows I’ll hate it.

One last point I will make is how brave I think Katie is for admitting to friends/family/strangers that she has never had a boyfriend. Which leads me to my own confession: neither have I.

I know I talk about “The Ex” but truthfully we went on a handful of dates over the span of 5 months and I stuck with it because I was obsessed with him. One day in his parents living room I asked him if he could make a decision about us and being official, two days later he said I thought about it and that the answer is yes. One week later we “broke up” because he “had a lot on his plate.” (he was picturing naked men on plates). Never once did I introduce him as a boyfriend, or did we call eachother that, or tell other people we were that.

I pretend with people all the time that I’ve had a boyfriend. Maybe they are talking about their ex so you throw in a little “well my ex did this” or what not, to fit in. Katie is the first person who just says it, which makes me almost want to say it.

The very last last thing I promise, is that there is nothing like fantasy and reality coming together even if very briefly. Katie in her book talked about “Spruce”,her long time crush and their slow flirting leading to hanging out. She writes in the book feeling like “this is it.” There’s nothing like it.

I’ve only had reality and fantasy meet up twice, 1. with The Ex, I had liked him for at least two years, the first time he texted me to see if the two of us could hang out just us two, I was at work and I felt so light headed after reading the text that I sort of slid down the door frame like you see girls do in movies.

It’s a place between being so dazed that you could float and being so nervous that you could throw up.

The second time was with Silverfox. After a year of being hardcore obsessed/bordering on stalking him, the first time we started texting back and forth and I was at a bar and got drunk. I ended up texting him that I missed him. The next morning he said he missed me too and suddenly I felt drunk all over again.

All of this may still make no sense to you. Maybe it’s all a little stupid. Katie talks about bawling her eyes out for days and weeks and sitting in her bathroom crying over Spruce after he started seeing a new girl, even though her and spruce had not technically been dating. Similar to me crying myself to sleep with Imogen Heap night after night after the ex and I’s 5 months of hanging out was done. Both of those are better than the many times I cried in bars, outside of apartments, and in front of my parents over Silverfox.

Katie is describing how her parents met at the college cafeteria milk machine and though she doesn’t necessarily want to meet her future fellah there, she did make this statement:

“I do however, want to be seen from afar, and admired, and then wooed. By someone I adore right away. Basically I want to expend minimal effort and have somebody fall madly in love with me just by virtue of being near me for a handful of days, and then it will just work out that we’re perfect for one another. I do not see what the big deal is about that.”

It’s unpractical, and unrealistic, but it’s accurate. Thanks guys for reading this confessional plus not judging me for my obvious obsession/delusional best friendship with the author (good old Katie). Give your irrational friends a hug today huh?