Category Archives: Very Drunk

wine-wit-winning

Wait…so you don’t want to get drunk off cheap wine and talk about how hot the guys are on random game shows?… I don’t understand.

Oh married friends, I’m starting to sense the parting of our ways.

Is it time to let them go? Or maybe I need to get my shit together?…nah, the time thing.

Left my to-be-married-in-like-three-months friends house just a couple moments ago and said to myself wow I think they barely survived that, and by that I mean hanging out with my single friend and I who basically dropped F bombs left and right (mostly me), drank wine out of the bottle (mostly her), reenacted the night my parents called me an alcoholic (all me), and discussed the hot or not people on TV (both of us).

I didn’t mean to overwhelm this happily engaged pair,but I guess it had just been awhile since they had hung out with the two of us at the same time, while we consumed alcohol.

What triggered this spontaneous hangout in the first place was my best friends wedding this weekend. The almost married couple attended and caught up with my friend and I, and then texted us to hang out two days later.

Maybe they forgot what we are like or perhaps thought we had matured. It’s possible that they do not even realize that they have in fact changed and act one hundred percent married. They’re so believable that I even wondered if they had cheated and read their vows to one another. Maybe one of them had their mom go online and become sanctioned (is that even what it’s called?) and she officiated (is that right either?) them as man and wife right there in the kitchen.

I’m really not sure what they were expecting when inviting us over. I’m still single and now unemployed, did you think I’d be LESS drunk?

I would like to believe that the two of them just outgrew me, and it’s not that I’ve become any less hilarious. Or maybe the ways in which I used to be outrageously funny are now ridiculous to them due to their more sedentary,and well lets face it, boring lifestyles.

I suppose filling my wine glass to the brim and loudly telling stories using wild hand motions doesn’t make me anyone’s ideal guest but doesn’t my cynicism, foul language, sexual innuendos, and overall inappropriate behavior make me a form of entertainment, if you will?

Perhaps I used to be, but at this stage in this soon to be wed couples life maybe they are looking for a source of entertainment a tad more sophisticated than what I can bring to the table.

Hats off to them for wanting to grow up a little. Maybe I’ll find new friends in the section where they sell that ridiculous cheap wine I keep purchasing.

like everyone else, I’m “never drinking again”

I’m sure I wont be the only one blogging this phrase “I’m never drinking again” so soon after new years. It appears terribly cliche, but around the world me and countless other women mean it! Well for now we do.

At the moment I feel more shame and humiliation than I thought I knew was possible (for me). I started drinking by myself at a bar at about 5:30pm new years eve in my desperate attempt to not go home to my roommate and her boyfriend who were somewhat determined that I should tag along with them and not stay in the apartment by myself getting wasted on a bottle of wine and sobbing under my bed.

My other single girlfriends had oh so cleverly escaped this fate by going out and finding dates for the evening, I apparently thought myself too independent and awesome for that. Because clearly drinking at a bar by yourself is just the epitome of cool.

So as I was trying to get drunk as quickly as possible when it was barely six pm at a random bar, he walks in. Six feet something, polite and well dressed and SCOTTISH. My thoughts: ooo jackpot.

It really is unfortunate that I do not remember more of our time together because in about three hours from this time I had blacked out. Six gin and tonics can do that to you.

Most unfortunate is that part of this blackout occurred while I was at a bar where I actually knew people. The owner, bartenders, bouncers, everyone. Apparently I suggested to the Scot that we go to this bar where I knew people. If I could go back in time and cuss out my drunken self I would. Apparently at not even 9:15pm I basically mounted the Scot as we were sitting at the bar, in front of all these people I know, and basically never came up for air until we left. The bartender laughingly told me the next day that my feet were practically on the bar as me and the Scot were lost in our passions.

Just picturing this reminds me of just how not hungry I feel right now. Now do not worry, for everything has turned out all right and I made it home safely due to my companions realization of my level of drunkenness, no advantage was taken of me and for that I have to be thankful.

Scot has texted me a few times since, his last text basically stating that I have a drinking problem. My response, had I actually cared enough to respond, would probably have said something to the extent of listen here Scotty, I’m single on New Years Eve and I can’t even get my girlfriends to go out with me, the only proper solution is to be drunk.

For some reason I had figured that being independent on this night was somehow better than admitting I didn’t want to be alone. How I wish I had said “I’ll be there soon” when my roommate called and asked if I would be home soon so me her and her boyfriend could leave for the party. Instead I chose independence, some horrible memories that I don’t remember, and a hangover that was so terrible that I nearly dumped all the alcohol in my apartment in the toilet.

Ladies, independence is admirable but not always the best way to spend your new years. Celebrate new years with people you care about and not those that you will later have to try to forget. Because it’s not nearly as fun to say “I’m never drinking again” unless you have a friend by your side saying the same.

that stripper pole

Sometimes after a wild night out you can wake up feeling awesome, on top of the world, and HOT. You think back to the many drinks you consumed and how you didn’t throw up once, or maybe how you danced all night in those six inch heels while holding onto that stripper pole, like a boss. Maybe you remember all the hot guys that just wanted to be near you and you brushed them off. Some mornings indeed are like this, but there is a very efficient way to spoil this “last night was awesome” high, and that my friends is new engagement posts.

In the blink of an eye you just went from awesome out all night party girl to what am I doing with my life girl. Suddenly that stripper pole you danced on seems slutty and desperate and the dress you wore a sad appeal for attention.

It’s especially terrible when the person posting about their engagement is younger than you.Why? I don’t know it just is. Her pictures that morning are of her and her new fiance in a field of flowers, their faces practically breaking in half from smiling so hard. Suddenly you’re saddened by your own Facebook pictures that are simultaneously showing up below the ever so in love couple. They are of you sweaty on a dance floor, dancing with girls several years younger and men you have never met before. So in comparison your life just appears sad where as theirs is glorious.

You have two options as this point: 1. decide that you are not ever again going to get on Facebook the morning after a good night out, someone is probably going to have a baby next and trust me the newborn’s photos are definitely going to look angelic above the picture of you grinding on the bartender. 2. go look up current statistics on divorce rates and think of all the fights you’re missing over who is in charge of the remote. Marriage is hard, lets remember that.

So in short my dears,enjoy that freedom and hold on tight to that stripper pole.