Category Archives: Single

Help! My friends are trying to be helpful!

Aren’t people adorable for wanting to “help” you because you must be so obviously exhausted from being so depressed about being single?

And isn’t it incredibly sweet that these same people are here to assist you in finding someone, because that must be all you truly desire? Because after all, careers don’t matter?

Do you ever get just so so excited when people have advice to give you?

If you responded yes to the first three questions, than you shouldn’t read my blog because it’s focus is usually being annoyed with others and you are way too nice/like people too much. Please see other blogs.

And if you’re unsure of how to answer the first three questions because you really don’t know where I’m going with this and want to play it safe, then let me speed this up.

When you’ve gone so long without dating, people suggest that you try being a lesbian.

“Maybe you could just try it”

My mom told my dad that a couple weeks ago when she was trying to convince him to get started on pepsi one because it’s better for you. He damn well likes the taste of his not healthy regular pepsi, as my mother persisted in the fight for him uniting with the pepsi one she said again:

“you could try it”

Oh okay. Because that’s how it works. Well maybe in the pepsi scenario actually. Trying people is different than trying soda, I would assume.

Here is the scenario that I picture that these “helpful” folks are picturing:

Me: standing in line in the grocery store, when I get a phone call.
*RingRing* (I don’t know how to translate the new iphone ring, sorry)
Me: “Hello?”
Friend: “Hey I was thinking…”
Me: “Yeah?”
Friend: “You haven’t had a guy in awhile. Maybe you should try women.”
Me: “Hmm I never thought of that…thanks!”
*hangup* (this fictitious friend and I don’t believe in parting words)
Me: Scans magazines in line. Kate Bosworth is on the front of one, she’s so pretty! but maybe I’d be more into brunettes. Pick up one with Natalie Portman on the front instead- oh but wait there’s Blake Lively! Darn this is hard. So many women. Should I just buy them all and see which celebrity is easiest for me to get off to? I mean I need to determine my preferred body type and hair color in the women I pick out before I can start dating them. I wonder if any of these magazines could recommend a good lesbian dating site….

A teensy tiny part of me believes that this might be how easy people perceive this to be and it frightens me.

Like I love the fact that two rather attractive girls have hit on me in the past two months, like whooo! I must be electrifyingly hot and or I’m just a real charmer when ordering my boss’s frappachino.

But these ego boosting moments are drowned out by my coworkers and friends responses of hmmm you should ask her out, you should jump on that, hmm maybe you should switch over.

Essentially it’s like take it where you can get it. No guys are hitting on you so you better go with whoever is hitting on you! Hurry up! You don’t have time! You need to be with someone! Find someone that will go out with you at all! That girl said she liked your earrings? Jump over the counter and plant a smooch on her!

Because everyone is so hot on me returning these various women’s affections and lately I’ve just been shrugging and saying “eh, nah” but then they continue to push and now my shoulder hurts from shrugging and my phrase is coming out tongue tied like “hen, ah” so here is a speech I’ve prepared.

Friends, Coworkers, and Others who think they know my life, lend me your ears. I’m working my dream job and about to be promoted and I live with one of my best friends in a beautiful house. I have a fun night job as well and both jobs keep me busy and active. I’m not miserable and you shouldn’t tell me to try women like it’s comparable to trying a new flavor of ice cream, um hello they are people! This concludes my speech and if you are still focused on finding me someone, refer back to men. Thank you.

I might perhaps write that on an index card and have it laminated. On the backside maybe I’ll write about the physical qualities I love in a guy, and then attach my number to a separate card that they can give to said guy upon realizing that he meets my outlined requirements.

Now that is helpful!

detour into disappointment

You know how when you like a guy for like five days and he winds up being married?

Story of my life.

I had this huge raging crush for about a week. He was a customer at my store who works at the restaurant chain across the way. I will name his Restaurant Guy and I will forever feel like a moron walking into that restaurant.

He was so absolutely cute and always seemed excited to see me. We started doing that thing where we hang out at the counter too long and talk too long and the whole getting him his order thing took too long…

Then yesterday he tells me he has a son.

Of course.

One thing I have come to realize over the past two years is that I’m hardcore into dads. Yes that’s right, older guys, fathers, men who have little mini-thems walking around.

Even without knowing that they are fathers I’m attracted to them. It’s only months or weeks, or in this case days, that I come to find out that indeed they do have offspring.

With Silverfox he was old enough to where one almost had to assume he had children. Restaurant Guy however, is my age and gave off no particular dad-signals. I think my liking him in general should have been a dad-signal.

I feel like an idiot mostly because I came back. What I mean is that I got home from work tonight around 8:40pm, and I drove back. Back to the restaurant that he works at, back to see him because I had only seen him briefly earlier when he had been in my store, back because I wanted to talk to him more.

I came in and sat down at the bar at, talking to another person I know who works there, who said uh yeah I think “(real name of Restaurant Guy)” is married.”

How quickly can you down a beer and pretend someone is waiting for you outside?

6 minutes.

What makes me feel gross and icky is that minutes before his coworker told me he was married, he had come by the bar and seemed ecstatic to see me! He even said he would be back soon to talk to me.

You can come talk to my empty beer glass. Deuces.

But on a separate note that is separate from me unknowingly being hung up on a married family man for a week, why am I so into dads but yet hate kids so much?

Two Nights

For some of us single folks, we can have drastically different groups of friends and within each set we can take on very different roles. This can make separate nights bizarrely different from one another.

Last week I had two nights so drastically different from one another it’s comical.On Wednesday night my roommate and I hit the local bars for a bonding night and on Saturday night I attended my married friends barbeque.

Wednesday, when my roomie (yes, the stripper) and I sat down at the bar we had shots within the minute and before I could even pay for my beer there was a second provided to me. My roomie and I learned within the first few minutes there that she loves fireball and I love tequila and how throwing limes can become a fun game.

Saturday at the barbeque I made my best efforts not to open up the wine immediately. The game of pretending that you’re not impatiently waiting for that bottle to get uncorked is long and tiresome. Going through the motions of small talk and making kindly remarks about new pieces of furniture in the house, it’s almost like you have to earn that first glass of wine.

Back at the bar, older men sitting down a ways are buying my roommate more shots, while the bartender is pouring her more drinks, while I start to wonder where the hip hop music is because they advertise Wednesday nights as Hip Hop Night. Are they playing Jewel? This will not do, bring Drake out.

Back at the barbeque we are all talking about different car accidents we’ve recently been in. Different insurance policies cover different things, and your deductible sounds high! Who is your provider?

At the bar I have now become the DJ. I’m now playing all the hip hop music you could ever dream of because the bartender who was supposed to DJ is too busy hitting on and pouring drinks for my roommate, and has decided to let me do whatever I want because I’m her roommate. It’s all about who you know right?

Still on the subject of cars back at the home of the married folks, the wife is explaining to us how the husband got a red car, but red was not on her list of approved colors. The colors she would accept were black, white, grey, or blue. However the wife explained to us that the color is growing on her and we all did our best to compliment what a nice red it is.

The people at the bar are really responding to my song choices. Or maybe I’m just assuming they do since I’m having such a good time dropping it low while holding onto my bar stool for support. I’m trying to ask my roommate what my DJ name should be but she is too busy confessing to the girls sitting near us, that yes she works at a strip club.

We’ve begun eating back at the house and we all rant and rave about how the beef is cooked to perfection. Not too much pink, but just enough.Very juicy! Added just the right amount of sauce. The grilled veggies are also just delightful and it’s apparently a favorite side of theirs to make and there are not too many ingredients involved.

Cut to me now twerking on the bar.

The wife is now getting rather tipsy off her two glasses of wine and we’ve spent far too much time discussing how screwed up the school district is.

It is now nearing midnight back at the bar and I definitely have work in the morning. My roomie is just obliterated with free drinks while I have finally sobered up.

Several glasses deep back at the barbeque and it’s just getting good because my friend and I are doing some mild story telling for the entertainment of the married folks. Unfortunately the tipsy wife is beginning to look really sleepy.

At the bar I try to get my roommate to leave with me. We had said we’d just go out for an hour and now it’s two and a half hours later, but she doesn’t see my logic. She grabs the bartender and gives him a big hug while informing me that this is who she is getting a ride home with. I look at the bartender knowing that he is pretty proud/surprised that he managed to pull this off.

At the house I’m coming up with excuses to leave so wifey doesn’t pass out while were still there. As I’m departing, the married couple chats with us for a bit about getting a dog. What are the advantages of a big dog compared to a small one? Aren’t labs the best?

I had left the bar and was cozily sleeping at 2am when my roommate came home. When I heard her come in I thought about what a fun night we had bonding over drinks and dancing to 2Chainz, and that was when I heard the sure and not so subtle sounds of my roomie bonding with the bartender on our couch.

I mean how different are these nights? One ending in debate over Labradors and Retrievers and the other in debate over whether to do it on the counter next.

When you’re telling one party about the night you end up tweaking it just a tad. Telling my married friends on Saturday about going out with my roomie that wednesday, I mentioned nothing about shots, or DJing, or bartenders coming back to our place, but I did mention how I thought it was cool that the bar had Newcastle on tap.

Same deal when I came home from the barbeque. I can’t tell my wild stripper roommate that we sat around and talked about insurance policies, so I lead her to believe that we went through certainly more than two bottles of wine at this barbeque and that the conversations about car accidents were way more interesting.

I prefer to think of this not as lying but protecting others from truths they cant handle. You’re welcome?

one more word about this flippin sea

Hi, you’re 19 years old, you know nothing about the sea.

You haven’t been around long enough to really see the sea, you wouldn’t know the sea if it crashed over you,


This god damn mother fucking phrase.

“Plenty more fish in the sea”

It’s just not true, it really isn’t.

When your male 19 year old coworker informs you that there are plenty more fish in the sea go ahead and inform him that his head is stuck in his ass. Or go ahead and give him this speech/rant that I thought up after the fact:

This finding fish in the sea business is like trying to find a red solo cup that someone hasn’t drank out of already when you arrive at a party after 2 am. Whatever cup you are picking up at that point actually belongs to someone else (referencing the act of cheating) or you search high and low for a damn cup and you can’t find one so you grab a bottle and drink straight from it (referencing the act of binge drinking instead of sitting sober and alone in your apartment).

Looking for a red solo cup after 2 am and looking for “fish” in your mid 20’s result in the same sad drunken conclusion and the only thing you’ve found is a couch to pass out on.

Here is the thing, people mean for this phrase to be encouraging, and that’s sweet, but it’s also really dumb. People who don’t even know anyone who is single at your age still state this pathetic phrase to you. Want to trip them up? Ask for an example. Watch them scramble around in their brain trying to remember someone who is not in a relationship.

They’ll usually reach the same person in the end, someone you have all known for awhile, who works at blockbuster and lives with his mom and you just go right on ahead and let that friend know that that is not a fish they just mentioned, that’s the moss growing on the side of a rock. If you squint too hard while underwater it could almost look like the shape of a really round fish but lets be real.

And then your friend will say oh come on! There are plenty of guys out there.

Feel free to then tell your friend about all the guys you’ve met recently.

The guy at the grocery store who seems to be stocking things every tuesday night when you’re there, and you chat it up with him occasionally. Guess what? He’s married.

The guy who always wears plaid shirts and grey sweaters and smiles at you and gets his coffee around the same time as you, has a kid, and is trying to work things out with the kids mom, as you learn when he tells the barista.

The guy who came out with a friend of a friend and was cute and ordered the same beer as you and then ordered another when his girlfriend arrived.

The guy who lives below you in your new apartment complex looked cute from a far until you heard him bang his older and extremely overweight girlfriend at all hours of the night and then also you see him up close and you were wrong about the cute part.

The techie guy who you recently made first attempts to flirt with fills you in on how he has been married for years and is younger than you.

That customer who bartends nearby and always chats it up with you has recently been bringing up his new girlfriend and how he is cleaning their apartment to impress her parents.

That hipster guy who is in your friends band liked one of your pictures and then posted a picture of the rose he was giving the “girl of his dreams”.

Hey I’m just saying, you give your friend all that to chew on I guarantee they will never use that phrase again.

These are just a handful of examples of the “fish in my sea” that aren’t fish at all because they are not available to be fished.

Maybe when you’re 19 though and you’re meeting people in your classes, at parties, through your retail job with other 19 year olds, and in your dorms and student-filled apartment complexes, there’s too many fish to know what to do with.

Like you have to divide your fish out. Salmon this night and some eel this weekend but then come monday I really gotta see about that trout (how often do people really eat trout? Do I know anything about this?) and your sea is full whoop-de-da-de for you.

But the fish have been plucked when you’re a post grad in your mid 20’s.

That’s something that a 19 year old wouldn’t know and apparently not my mother either.

Though she has stopped it with the fish line and has now reverted simply to just “you could meet someone tomorrow”

I sometimes almost reply back with “I probably will, and he will probably be gay.”