Category Archives: Single

fantasy cloud

I have been in deep mourning all afternoon (drinking lots of wine, listening to some of Miguel’s softer songs) over a boy, but yes just like every story I ever tell he has minimal idea who I am and conversations we’ve had are mostly pleasantries.

Basically I’m the worst that I subject people to stories about what goes on in my mind with these strangers, but if you do feel like being subjected then remember Hudson from my last post? He was a crush potential that was forming after my online date went flat.

Yesterday Hudson arrived at my work after about three weeks of being gone. Gone on a trip? I have no idea but he hasn’t been there. Naturally me being me I presumed our reunion would come with an explanation of his absence, a heartfelt greeting, and the resuming of our natural chat. Instead he ignored me, and got everything he needed as quickly as possible and left.

My mind formed several conclusions, starting out extreme and ending with acceptance. He hates me. He literally loathes me. He hasn’t come in in three weeks specifically to avoid me. He figured out that I liked him and now he doesn’t want to talk to me. He doesn’t care about not seeing me.

Or maybe he isn’t as interested in me as I thought he was.

BINGO.

The fall out of hypothetical relationships is the worst because only you yourself knows that you’re heartbroken, and how do you talk to your friends about a love that blossomed in your mind but only in your mind?

My roommate consequently same time is going through actual stuff with her ex-boyfriend. Should she cut the ties? Should she keep a friends with benefits thing going? Should she see other people?

Meanwhile my moral dilemma looks more like; Why doesn’t he come in anymore? Does he like my coworker more than me? Why didn’t he wave back at me?

Huge difference in the actuality of actual things happening in her scenario versus what I perceive to be taking place in mine.

Even look at the words used for the roommates boy problem. I used the word “should” because there will be a decision or action of some kind, where as with my problem I use the word “why” which dictates I’m simply throwing out questions to the wind. Asking questions to myself because there will be no decision about them, no plan of action. Hudson and I will continue to make pleasantries for awhile to come, while yet my mind accumulates more and more “why”‘s about our very basic customer service relationship.

God I sound crazy.

Lately I’ve really been missing the mark with boys, like more than usual. Everything I’ve assumed, I’ve been wrong about.

Take a newer crush that I took on in the almost month long period that Hudson was absent. This crush was a barista, not the most attractive ever but he did talk to me and was sweet and seemed interested, and I very quickly made that coffee shop a regular part of my after work routine.

Two things I assumed: He was single and that him giving me a free coffee that one time meant something.

Cut to me at his coffee shop the following week spotting him at a small table in the back, holding hands and talking with his girlfriend over a cup of coffee, which he probably gave her for free also.

At this point now I’ve lost the barista (who I never had) and I have no Hudson, and then top it off with the coworker I thought had a crush on me, quits for a new job, and first thing he does is text the most annoying female at my work. Clearly I know nothing about anything.

My realization in the midst of this is that I have no grasp on when people actually have feelings for others because I fantasize that there are feelings everywhere and between everyone. How do you know if feelings are actually there and not just in your imagination?

What are relationships in reality even like? In my reality nothing happens,which is the part I can’t stand. Do any other dreamers or INFPs relate to this? I feel like I’m just now poking my head out of my cloud for a brief second and looking around, just curious before I disappear back into fantasy land. If someone walks past me as I stand next to the door of my cloud – which is half open because I’m ready to run back inside it – maybe I’ll ask, maybe I’ll ask about relationships.

A person does walk by and I dip into my question about relationships. I’m scared the person will tell me I have to ask someone out, and I’m even more terrified they’ll give me a list of things I have to do to get a guy. The person begins to get a little long winded so I’m looking down the hallway of my cloud door looking for another person to ask or at least interrupt this one.

As I’m forced to listen to this person because no one else is walking by to save me, and I’m not quite ready to disappear back into my cloud with out at least getting some sort of vague answer, I realize everything this person has been talking about is real. Like stuff the person and their partner talk about or do or say or have done or have said. They actually did things.

It all sounds real and I’m not sure I even like it because it sounds like there can be like conflict or something? And everything isn’t a rainbow? I feel unsure still as I thank the person and step back inside my cloud of fantasy and idealism where it is safe, but I sort of hope I venture out again sometime.

the date that was the other date

I apparently have a pattern, in that in my hope to break my almost two year non voluntary sabbatical from dating, I actually went on the same date I did almost two years ago.

On my 2015 date last week, I learned pretty much right away that much like my 2013 date, he grew up on the east coast and was in a specific branch of the military.

What are the odds of this? oh are the odds high? What about the evens?

P.S. 2015 date I met on the same dating site I’ve been using as of late. You’d think the profile would have tipped me off that I was going on the same date but sometimes I get very caught up in the detailed descriptions of how much they love their dog.

Ok so anyways here is how my 2015 and 2013 date matched up:

– grew up on east coast
– not super great childhoods
– did some college
– enlisted in early 20’s
– went into air force
– traveled a lot
– ready to settle down now

Naturally the dates both fell into similar rhythms. The hug with both of them in the beginning is always missed, or goes terribly wrong.

Also both of them are meeting up with me for a date around the time that a close sibling of theirs is getting married or about to be married. Panic much?

Both enjoy telling a few very long stories. 2015 tells me about the longest road trip he has ever been on in agonizing detail but then leaves out a few parts and says he wants to spare me the little details. Well what have you been sharing over the last 15 minutes, the medium sized ones? 2013 had given me a similar in time length story about his schooling growing up (I didn’t get that one either) but said nothing about sparing me details, ugh.

As I realized that I was on the same date as the 2013 one I also realized that I was on a date with my sisters husband.

It hit me when I was making my mental checklist of all the things similar about my 2013 date to this one (and nodding a lot while 2015 told me about how he thought he was going to run out of gas this one time on the road trip, spoilers: he didn’t) that that same checklist could be applied to my sisters husband.

My sisters husband Jake, who also grew up on the east coast actually neighbored the states in which 2013 and 2015 lived, and Jake also moved enlisted, and then after traveling decided he wanted to settle down – hence marriage and now on baby #2 with my sister.

I texted my sister to tell her that my last two dates in two years have been with military guys who grew up on the east coast and my sister sent me back an “lol” and then proceeded texting me a story about how when my nephew touches her face he says “no” and she thinks he is saying “nose” but he is pointing at her mouth. Kill me softly, do you not see I’m dating versions of that kids dad?

I guess I shouldn’t say dating because technically 2013 guy got on a plane and went back to the east coast (I blogged about him during this time but have no idea what I had named him..Wedding guy maybe? I’m too lazy to look) maybe an hour after our date, and 2015 said he did want to hang out again and that we would “sort it out” but I haven’t heard from him in several days so maybe he is sorting out his plane ticket also, I hear the east coast is a popular place to run away from first dates!

Don’t be sad for me because I have a new crush! A customer crush! A guy who wears black v-necks and whose dream is to be in a rock band and who probably wouldn’t touch the military if you paid him, unless he was in a military rock band.

He gets his coffee black and his name is Hudson and he asked me if I had a brother the other day so things are totally starting, you know? Wish me luck!

Presidents Day and my Whirlwind Romance

Holidays such as Presidents day and events such as Free Communication Weekend on any dating site, are terrible pairings and it’s a terrible coincidence that both should occur together though at the same time brilliant on behalf of the dating site.

Am I the only one who gets lonely on random holidays? The office is closed and you’re bored as fuck.

You know you have stuff you should get done still, so you attempt to work from home while in your pajamas, but then as you’re looking for any possible distraction to eliminate doing any kind of real work in your pajamas, you remember that commercial that said Eharmony was doing a free communication weekend special and it ends at midnight tonight.

I loathe myself and all my holiday decisions.

I basically signed up for one free day and then texted half the people I know, that I had done so. Why? So someone could talk me out of it? Doubtful, since I was putting my picture up and cropping it in a flattering way at the time.

After an hour of being subscribed but not really subscribed, I begin to give way to impatience. It’s been over an hour and I only have until midnight to meet someone. This is my only chance ever! Not dramatic at all.

So I began “smiling” at my “matches” – that’s Eharmony for clicking a button on someone else’s profiles and saying hey I noticed you a little, and matches refer to the people that Eharmony found you to be compatible with based upon the personality questionnaire you both took.

I was three hours deep into waiting for something when finally entered Marcus.

He smiled at me (clicked the smilie face button on my profile) and wanted to get to know me (started a scripted back and forth exchange of information written by the site) and seemed really sweet (allowed the exchange of information to continue) and was everything I wanted him to be (he continued to let the prompt ask me questions).

I was smitten, I was hooked. How amazing that I just happened to do this today!

I loved everything on his profile. Did I mention that I couldn’t see his picture? Or any picture of him? Oh I didn’t mention that?

I wasn’t a technical real member of Eharmony and couldn’t see my matches pictures nor could they see mine (pretty sure) so I had to go off of what they wrote about themselves or where they claimed to be employed.

I was in love with a profile and a prompted discussion.

I was excited as anything as the site continued to prompt us to ask eachother about 5 things we can’t stand, our most ideal careers, how we would act at a party – oh the romance!

When it was at last all nearing to a close, Eharmony wouldn’t even let me message Marcus because I wasn’t subscribed. They did not approve of our love.

So he sneakily put his email into a prompted description question. HA!

The email piece happened just before midnight that night. The anxiety of the free communication ending at exactly midnight (highly unlikely) led me to panic that Marcus and I would not be able to exchange communication once the clock struck twelve.

It’s kind of like a modern day Cinderella story if you think about it. The clock struck twelve and that was it! Thank god she left that slipper behind.

I imagined in my half hour of stress leading up to midnight that our story was the same and that if nothing was left behind then we would be forever to part and never to find one another. We would spend decades searching and eventually I would cave and take out a personal loan to pay for the monthly charges so I could subscribe to the site, but by the time I subscribed it would be for naught because he would have already taken the money he used to spend on his monthly Eharmony fees, and use them instead to hire a private detective to find me.

I suppose this doesn’t exactly mirror the tragedy that would have been Cinderella not leaving the slipper but all in all how would that have been right?

Anyways so Marcus and I emailed the next day, very minimally because I was running from job to job.

All that day however I felt a bounce in my step. Twice I caught myself before revealing to strangers or coworkers that I was “talking to someone.”

I mean we had exchanged some very basic pleasantries about how our days were going and had yet to even discuss the exchanging of phone numbers, so you’re wondering how I jumped so far ahead and I don’t really have an answer for you.

In talking to one of my roommates about my new found love I threw out my curiosity of if Marcus had a facebook or not.

An hour or so later my roommate texted me that Marcus did not have a Facebook but he did have a Linkedin.

What happens next is devastating. Prepare yourself.

My roommate then texted me the screen shot of Marcus’s Linkedin account with his picture. Same last name, place of employment, age, etc.

I was leaving the parking lot of my work at this time and I can’t remember what any of my thoughts were when I received the picture but I do remember audibly half crying out “NOOO”

Marcus’s face was buried in fat.

Like a lot of it.

He looked at least 10 years older than his claimed age, and it looked like the only passions and hobbies he really pursued were eating.

Instantly furious with my roommate for exposing me to the truth and instantly grateful that he did.

Convinced for about a day and a half that Marcus and I were soul mates, this was a crushing blow.

I have learned my lesson (probably) about online dating the cheap/free way. Pretty much if you want results you better pay up, otherwise you’re simply flying blind.

I will say that I really did like Eharmony though and if I ever become a millionaire I will immediately subscribe and find a new Marcus who eats a normal amount and we will probably live in bliss, very similar to Cinderella, and or Sleeping Beauty once she wakes up.

why 2014 was so wonderful despite having zero dates

If 2014 had a hand, I would shake it. Probably too enthusiastically, while misty eyed with gratitude.

2014 would probably try to pretend they had an errand to run or an appointment they had to get to, to rid themselves of the outpouring of all my affection, but I can’t help myself. 2014 I love you!

It won’t make sense to you I’m sure, I had not one date for the whole year. Not ONE. What?

But seriously, who gives a fuck? This year has been sensational. Yes I lived with my parents and than a stripper but now I live with my best friends and no strippers!

A handful of weeks before 2014 was over, the nonprofit I’ve been working part-time for asked me to go full time with them. I have loved the work I’ve been doing with them for the past year and I think the contentment I felt with being a part of their team has overridden some of the more negative things of this year, like moving out my belongings at night while my stripper roommate was out, well stripping.

In 2014 I discovered I was an infp through the myers-briggs personality test and then through learning about my infp-ness I have found all my crazy and misunderstood, understood!I no longer blame myself for not thinking the way others do, especially when it comes to romance. I also readily accept that I oftentimes prefer the pretend relationships that go on in my head over the real ones – is that zero date thing making more sense now?

Thinking back on everything though, it blows my mind how that terrible job I took in 2013 that moved me back here led me to my current job. It blows my mind that it took living with a stripper to force me to move in with one of my best friends and my ex, and now I couldn’t imagine anything I wanted more. Well besides a cat, I really want a cat.

2014 just makes me feel lucky. Like I’m the prettiest girl in the ballroom and Mr. Darcy noticed me lucky.

The last date I was on was that guy from the wedding, do you remember? He lives on the east coast now. He made the decision to go there minutes after our date ended. He was on a plane by that evening. I hear he has a beard now.

I want to tell 2014 again how much I love them but I fear they are going to begin blocking my calls. I have enjoyed our time spent together and I just hope they know that.

(2014 you my main bisch)

28 Steps to Imaginary Romance in the Workplace

1. Pick out a straight and unattached male coworker (if you are a straight female) who is perpetually single.

2. Start out shy and slightly untrusting around your SMC (Single Male Coworker) so he has to work a little harder at getting to know you.

3. Ask for him to get you things occasionally and then thank him ever so sweetly, so he knows you have a less standoffish side.

4. Slowly began teasing him so he knows you’re clever and enjoy witty banter.

5. Banter with him a LOT.

6. Do NOT talk about the fact that you don’t have a boyfriend but do mention to a female coworker in front of your SMC that a passing male stranger is attractive. This allows jealousy to stir naturally.

7.Allow your SMC to tell you about his female crushes/random dates but do not get overly excited for him. You want to be a confidant but not a bro.

8. Do occasional thoughtful things for your SMC but then make sure to get embarrassed or shy if he brings attention to them or thanks you.

9. If your SMC takes a joke too far at your expense make sure to appear wounded and or hurt and then pretend to try to act normal. He will see through your pretending not to be hurt but he won’t see that you were pretending to be hurt to begin with. He will feel bad and want to make it up to you and this will also ensure that he knows you have a vulnerable side.

10. Get sloppy drunk at some kind of work event and plant a kiss on his cheek. This simple act that is never spoken of again will keep some hope a glow on his side that despite your attempts to keep him at a distance, you’re slowly letting your guard down.

11. Begin to laugh and smile more in his presence. He is breaking through your icy exterior!

12. Share a little more about your family and tell him when a friend hurts your feelings but continue to restrict social media so he doesn’t have unlimited access to you.

13. Implement physical touch with your SMC before and after he goes on a trip. There should already be some sexual tension by this point so make sure the contact affirms it.

14. Begin to compliment your SMC’s outfits, trendy new haircuts, and eye-wear to establish that you are noticing more things about him. Do not be concerned when these compliments aren’t reciprocated.

15. Tease him about liking a female coworker that the two of you work with until he cracks and blurts out something to the effect of “SHE is not the one I like!” and then let him text you that it’s you later on that night.

16. Continue to wait for him to crack about liking you and not the other coworker. Make sure to convince yourself that his silences are due to him being too afraid to say he likes you and not because he is getting pretty annoyed at being repeatedly teased about the other coworker over and over.

17. Begin to drunk text him occasionally. Make sure the texts are mostly stupid and sometimes unintelligible so he has no clue how to respond.

18. Over react about your SMC’s failure to respond to your drunk texts. Bring up the texts with him at work and learn that he had forgotten you had texted him. Hear all about his date with a girl he met on Tinder.

19. Desperately try to initiate more physical touch. Come up with reasons the two of you should hug like you haven’t seen him for a day and a half and or he gets something off the top shelf for you.

20. Yearn obviously for his attention even when other coworkers are present. Witness their embarrassed looks thrown in your direction, you’ve lost your mind now there is no going back.

21. Send your SMC a text and then when he answers don’t respond back. Keep up the silence until the two of you are back at work. Manage to slip into conversation that you didn’t even read his answer to your question the other day. Your nonchalance and indifference must be killing him which is why he keeps talking about this tinder date to make you jealous.

22. Spend and extra thirty minutes Christmas shopping as you try to pick out a small gift for him. Something that symbolizes everything and nothing at the same time.

23. Stalk his social media but refuse to follow him. Look for clues that he is falling in love with you.

24. Lie awake at night using verses of different Top 40 songs to depict the complexity of your relationship with your SMC. Fall back on the Heart Wants What It Wants by Selena Gomez if your SMC seemed especially un-talkative that day, or brings up having the tinder girl over to meet his parents.

25. Wear an extra short skirt to work one day, but then a more tomboy outfit the next, to show that you’re super hot but also cool. Wear the short skirt and a tomboy look on top to prove that you’re sexy but not even trying.

26. Ignore warning signs that you’ve begun to self destruct.

27. Color your hair lighter because he prefers blondes

28. Paint a watercolor picture of the two of you at work together and hang it up above your bed to look at before you go to sleep.

Do Nots #1

At your married friend’s birthday dinner…..

Do not get hung up on the fact that your ex-coworker, who was dating a beautiful blonde girl several months ago, shows up to this friends birthday dinner with now a beautiful blonde boy. Do not think to yourself “Well fine go ahead and take ALL the attractive golden haired people then” as you hug the coworker because she will certainly feel the envy radiating off your body. Try also, to not grimace when the blonde boy speaks up a half hour later and reveals that he and your ex co-worker are already talking about babies.

Don’t be alarmed and look for exits when everybody gets real excited about that blonde beauty’s wanting to have babies throwout by the way. The girl sitting next to your ex-coworker is already pregnant and the girl on the other side of her is hoping to be, and this is basically the equivalent of a pizza place opening up next to a college student apartment complex, it’s basically mass hysteria and chaos. Maybe just know where the exits are.

Do not by any means feel comfortable enough to share with a smaller section of the table down at the end, about your ridiculous and surprisingly emotional reaction to Benedict Cumberbatch’s engagement. Everyone at the other end of the table will conclude talking about all the activities they did over the weekend with their real life partners, just in time to hear that upon receiving the news you slammed shut every door in the house, said “fuck him” audibly, and then actually cried in the car on the way to work. They will not understand how a celebrity’s love life could effect your morning so catastrophically and neither will you.

Do not be thrown by the fact that your recently out Ex told you in the car on the way to this dinner, that he has two Match dates lined up this week with two very good looking men. Don’t ask to see pictures of them before you get to the restaurant because the pictures will affirm that yes these men are hot and that information will only serve to irritate you.

Do not order a beer at dinner when the rest of the table orders water. Do not ask for a second beer before dinner arrives. You will quickly set yourself up as the only single person there and the only single person there who doesn’t have upcoming coffee dates with beautiful men. Scratch what I said, order four beers.

Do not outwardly judge your married friends when they want to buy ANOTHER dog. As if your Instagram feed isn’t plagued with enough pictures of their current dog. Embrace the buying of a second dog because it will stave off the probability of them trying to conceive a child, which would make dinners in which friends can meet up and drink beers at least twice a year, a once every two years affair.

Offer maybe even to watch their dog(s) also, when they are out of town. There is a 90% chance they will ask you anyway due to your penchant to spend nights alone with a bottle of wine, as well as there is a 90% chance they will become hyper focused on showing you exactly what proportions of not-too-cold but not-too-hot water their animal(s) need and will then forget to hide their good liquor in a locked cabinet.

Do not, I repeat, Do NOT be upset when you are not asked questions about how your life is going. This is the highest award you could ever receive, the greatest blessing that could ever be bestowed upon someone single in a group setting, surrounded by couples.

Lastly, do not leave this dinner as quickly as possible with the excuse that you have to wake up before 6am the next day and then really just go home to have three more beers and watch Sleeping Beauty.

I mean who is going to believe you’re waking up before 6? Just say you work early.

28 Messages

I’ve messaged 28 men to no avail, I feel it only fair that I should be now allowed to give up, buy a cat, and rent a studio apartment.

This is my god given right to wave the flag of surrender and devote my life to work and booze. This is the new American-Drunk-Dream that involves extra deposits for my future cat whom I will name Roger, and hernias dedicated to long hours of stress and a side of overtime.

I had downloaded the fatal app that caused me to give up on the world the day after my friends and I all went downtown. As the designated driver I had expected to be the only one who did NOT do something stupid on their phone but as luck would have it, I accidentally began following The Worker Boy on social media.

I realized around 2am that I had done this and then I quickly deleted it and tried to erase any trace of it happening. The next day I began researching dating apps, because one thing I know is that when I’m not looking at Worker Boys social media, I’m texting him, and I just need to be an adult and flirt with someone online who is basically a stranger. I mean, because that’s the only thing that makes sense anymore.

So two weeks later I’ve messaged 28/men/boys/males, and been messaged by four men whom I did NOT message. Two of these four men were over 60 years old, one is hoping I’ll be his first date EVER, and the fourth I can’t really explain except to say that hell hath no fury like flame symbols all over your clothing (copyright issue?).

Two weeks, almost 30 messages sent out, but tell me to ask the cute guy from safeway what he did over the weekend and it’s a no go. He will probably say “work” and then I’ll say “me too” and then where will we be?

Now I didn’t pick the most popular app or anything, it’s called HowAboutWe and it is supposed to encourage people to go out on a date and not chat a shit ton online. It isn’t geared towards getting married, more just having fun, so I felt it was safe to download and hesitantly try.

Most of the time I find myself using it after a glass of wine or a couple of beers, where that “I’m Intrigued” button that messages the other person for you seems easier to press.

But even though scrolling is fun when intoxicated and even though I haven’t texted Worker Boy in awhile, online dating is still dreadful.

All the typical single girl blog posts that talk about how guys take the absolute least flattering pictures of all time is 100% accurate. Sometimes I’ll scroll when drunk and still say wow, these are my options.

The grammar in their profiles is terrible, the shirtless pics have me rolling my eyes, the huge cross tattoos are so “basic” I could cry and don’t even get me started on what they actually post.

“Looking for a girl who is down to chill and likes dogs”

Um yes hi, the name of the game is posting date ideas. The beginning of your post is written for you and it says “How about we…….” and that is when you put in a date idea for someone else to respond to your date idea.

Did you not read the instructions?

As fun as scrolling through terrible pictures and finding a cute one is, online dating is still where I believe romance goes to die.

I refuse to delete it because hell I did pay for it and I still don’t want to text Worker Boy, and hats off to you folks that it works for but I think I’d rather just ask Siri how her day is. She’s fiesty.