My latest dating app-binge landed me with over four planned dates in one weekend span and a heart rate that wouldn’t let up. That’s a lot of coffee in two days!
Caffeine overdosing aside, you can guess how this went.
I’m 32% sure I went out with a robot. On our first date the weekend prior, I thought he was nervous. I should question the leeway I give people on first dates. If I’m nervous but can still act normal then so can other HUMANS.
I also entertained the possibility that this was a social experiment and/or I was on a TV show. Maybe I’m correct in assuming he is a robot but the real test is how long do I stay on the date, could determine my own gullibility. Are people shouting to me “HOW DUMB ARE YOU?!” on Twitter as we speak?
Only twelve minutes in and I was creeped the fuck out. I would tell a delightful anecdotal story and he would say “ha ha wow that’s crazy.” Just as he had done the other four times. Picture a person saying “ha ha” the EXACT way you read it. Shivers up my spine. I contemplated throwing half my drink out in the bush when he wasn’t looking because I felt like I had to be completely uninhibited in case this particular robot was given a mission or something. How do I know that I’m not a key player in it’s plan for world dominance? and also the sooner the drinks are empty the sooner the date is over?
Placing your body as far away as possible from someone you are sharing a table with is challenging. Another reason for only being 32% sure was that he (it?) was HANDSY. It didn’t even make sense! But perhaps this particular robot has a coding like as soon as he finishes one of his robotic sentences such as “wow that’s funny” the code 6257993 presents, telling his hand to reach exactly 3 centimeters closer to where mine is trying to steer my drink and whole existence to the other side of the country.
While I was googling under the table “what songs put robots to sleep?” my best friend was going on an online date that could be written into a best-selling romantic novel – in the future when meeting people in real life becomes completely out of the question – and was ACTUALLY excited to be going on a first date.
Her and this guy had matched over a week ago and were talking every hour, on the hour. He was wild about her and the two of them were so excited to meet each other in person that their cellphones were probably both glitching with exclamation point overload. It was possibly the cutest thing I had ever witnessed and probably the only truly positive online dating interaction I’ve ever had anyone tell me about.
Their first date was somehow even BETTER than expected. Chemistry, common interests and the real winner: mutual physical attraction.
The day after their date he texted and canceled their second date but was still texting excitedly, so all appeared normal.
Then he went radio silent for an entire weekend.
It was a complete 180 and was so out of character that even I, the cynic, wondered if he had been killed in a freak accident.
When he did respond on Sunday, to my best friends concerned text of “hey, you okay?” It was like a different person had his phone. He acted as if she was clingy for texting over the weekend. Not an exclamation point in sight.
Neither my best friend or I having any ability to unravel this, I luckily next day was given this article by Facebook – who knows me better than I know myself and is actually probably a way creepier robot than the one I had drinks with – that provides labels for different types of dating app blow-offs and how to spot them. Link provided here:
I thought to myself, finally! The revolution!
But then after, realizing, that these are already behaviors I have blogged about for YEARS, but are now being given names and categories and are via app/online dating only. Cancel the revolution, this is a simple history lesson on a very high tech white board.
Not to take this blog post on a tour away from the playful loathing of all men, but the beginning of the article begins with the author stating that she has been in the online-dating game for almost a decade. Whoa! I thought. But then it hit me, I’ve been doing this for awhile too.
My blog is five years old now and my stories cycle around like I’m throwing them in the dryer. Bad date, drunken night, and over the top analyzing of if a person returns my feelings. I started noticing three months ago that old blogs I had begun following years ago are gone, unused. Few remain and some that do, still blog about the same types of dates, the same types of guys, everything is the same except their age.
I see it even now as I once again look for roommates on Craigslist as friends move out with their significant others. I felt it the other night as I texted a friend about a bartender that I have a crush on. When is the appropriate time to follow him on Instagram? I began to text a friend asking her if one of my brothers friends that I have a crush on is coming out tonight. This all floods me with deja’vu. How many times have I done this? Texted this? Gone for this person? Wanted to go for this person but did nothing instead? This is all the same.
I had to ask myself, Do I do anything different, ever? Am I a robot myself, my brain giving me codes that tell me to do this action now, but which leads me to the same result every single time?
This isn’t to talk shit about online dating, or dating in general. This is my own personal wake up call. I write about it in hopes that if someone else is experiencing this same dating cycle, maybe you know how to get out of it and you could tell me? That’d be super great thanks!
Robots in the movies often learn to love the kid that initially made them a pet, and then the robots basically have some form of heart-feelings and are different so there is plenty of hope for me, based upon this reference to maybe two animated movies I’ve seen in the past three years.
Headed to bed now to probably have some nightmares about looking down to find that my hands are now iron wielded claws, thanks for reading folks!