Category Archives: Engagements

wine-wit-winning

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Wait…so you don’t want to get drunk off cheap wine and talk about how hot the guys are on random game shows?… I don’t understand.

Oh married friends, I’m starting to sense the parting of our ways.

Is it time to let them go? Or maybe I need to get my shit together?…nah, the time thing.

Left my to-be-married-in-like-three-months friends house just a couple moments ago and said to myself wow I think they barely survived that, and by that I mean hanging out with my single friend and I who basically dropped F bombs left and right (mostly me), drank wine out of the bottle (mostly her), reenacted the night my parents called me an alcoholic (all me), and discussed the hot or not people on TV (both of us).

I didn’t mean to overwhelm this happily engaged pair,but I guess it had just been awhile since they had hung out with the two of us at the same time, while we consumed alcohol.

What triggered this spontaneous hangout in the first place was my best friends wedding this weekend. The almost married couple attended and caught up with my friend and I, and then texted us to hang out two days later.

Maybe they forgot what we are like or perhaps thought we had matured. It’s possible that they do not even realize that they have in fact changed and act one hundred percent married. They’re so believable that I even wondered if they had cheated and read their vows to one another. Maybe one of them had their mom go online and become sanctioned (is that even what it’s called?) and she officiated (is that right either?) them as man and wife right there in the kitchen.

I’m really not sure what they were expecting when inviting us over. I’m still single and now unemployed, did you think I’d be LESS drunk?

I would like to believe that the two of them just outgrew me, and it’s not that I’ve become any less hilarious. Or maybe the ways in which I used to be outrageously funny are now ridiculous to them due to their more sedentary,and well lets face it, boring lifestyles.

I suppose filling my wine glass to the brim and loudly telling stories using wild hand motions doesn’t make me anyone’s ideal guest but doesn’t my cynicism, foul language, sexual innuendos, and overall inappropriate behavior make me a form of entertainment, if you will?

Perhaps I used to be, but at this stage in this soon to be wed couples life maybe they are looking for a source of entertainment a tad more sophisticated than what I can bring to the table.

Hats off to them for wanting to grow up a little. Maybe I’ll find new friends in the section where they sell that ridiculous cheap wine I keep purchasing.

My best friend is engaged and pregnant, but lets talk about how cool it would be if I were a bartender.

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well my best friend is now engaged and pregnant, and I’ve been thinking of becoming a bartender.

I suppose it’s not enough to come stumbling home from a bar, I now have the desire to help others stumble home as well. If that’s not selfless I don’t know what is.

Now back to the engagement, don’t worry, I was the appropriate amount of excited when the now fiance of my best friend asked for advice for the proposal and I portrayed another appropriate amount of excitement when days before said proposal, my best friend called to say she was pregnant. And the night of the proposal when seeing the pictures of him kneeling down I displayed large quantities of excitement through text (three million exclamation marks after each word, I should get a best friend of the year medal thank you very much) and what not..

So I’ve heard somewhere that single people, when single for too long, become selfish. They become focused on their own needs because they are not with anyone, and do not have to care for someone else’s feelings on a significant level.

Well I would have to agree because even as I’m sitting here describing the engagement and the starting of a family of my best friend for over a decade, all I can really think about is how cool I would look bartending.

I mean like I would rock that shit.

I would come up with new drinks, I’d be super speedy, I’d dress the part. Should I be like a rough and tumble rocker lookin chick or a sexy lady with some heels and a low cut shirt? I would take shots with my fellow bartenders and maybe I’d let some hot guys buy me a few as well? I wouldn’t even mind the late hours one bit. Like what am I even going to do that night anyways? Beg my married friends to come out past ten pm to have one beer with me? They’ll probably all be pregnant soon anyways and feel that they cant even walk into bars anymore unless it’s at a Chili’s or Applebees. Might as well dress up, go make drinks as well as consume them, stay out late, and get paid for it. Hellllllz to the yeah.

What was I originally blogging about? Oh right, we were talking about my best friends up coming marriage and birth of her first child. Yes so the wedding well we don’t know when that will take place due to the pregnancy and I do not know what to say about the baby because I’ve never seen it. The only bond existing between this fetus and I is the picture taken of the birth control sign for YOU ARE PREGO on the pee stick.

I think what the sign on the pee stick should really say is “you can’t drink for nine months” though that does seem a little harsh. Speaking of drinking, wouldn’t I be an awesome bartender?

that stripper pole

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Sometimes after a wild night out you can wake up feeling awesome, on top of the world, and HOT. You think back to the many drinks you consumed and how you didn’t throw up once, or maybe how you danced all night in those six inch heels while holding onto that stripper pole, like a boss. Maybe you remember all the hot guys that just wanted to be near you and you brushed them off. Some mornings indeed are like this, but there is a very efficient way to spoil this “last night was awesome” high, and that my friends is new engagement posts.

In the blink of an eye you just went from awesome out all night party girl to what am I doing with my life girl. Suddenly that stripper pole you danced on seems slutty and desperate and the dress you wore a sad appeal for attention.

It’s especially terrible when the person posting about their engagement is younger than you.Why? I don’t know it just is. Her pictures that morning are of her and her new fiance in a field of flowers, their faces practically breaking in half from smiling so hard. Suddenly you’re saddened by your own Facebook pictures that are simultaneously showing up below the ever so in love couple. They are of you sweaty on a dance floor, dancing with girls several years younger and men you have never met before. So in comparison your life just appears sad where as theirs is glorious.

You have two options as this point: 1. decide that you are not ever again going to get on Facebook the morning after a good night out, someone is probably going to have a baby next and trust me the newborn’s photos are definitely going to look angelic above the picture of you grinding on the bartender. 2. go look up current statistics on divorce rates and think of all the fights you’re missing over who is in charge of the remote. Marriage is hard, lets remember that.

So in short my dears,enjoy that freedom and hold on tight to that stripper pole.