Category Archives: Baby Showers

5 Reasons Why I’m Annoyed with Moms

1. Even though you say “I don’t care anymore” when the topic of breastfeeding in public comes up, guess what? I still do.

2. My sister texted me to complain about how our parents are too busy to come down and watch her child for a weekend so she can “get a break.” Let me rephrase that so you better understand, how dare our parents lead their lives so selfishly and not want to spend hundreds of dollars to fly to her house and spend their weekend babysitting her kid. What’s wrong with them? Lets rephrase again, how about what’s wrong with YOU.

3. Moms go everywhere and expect things. I need more napkins, more water, do you have a bag for my stuff? Can’t you see I’m holding a child?

Actually I can see that you are indeed holding a child, my question for you: how long have you known that you had that child? A while now? Couple years maybe? So you usually can’t carry things if you’re holding him/her, is that correct? Maybe you should consider a bag of some kind? Call me I don’t know, crazy or something, what do I know being just a single gal.

4. Your sleep deprivation is an excuse for everything. I don’t feel sorry for you.

I am consistently getting weird hours of sleep, having fucked up dreams, working two jobs and very much looking forward to the end of the night where there is a glass of wine and a bed, but that excuse isn’t good enough unless I’m juggling an infant.

5. This child birthday party thing is madness and it is bullshit. Some older folks I’ve been talking to are like WHAT? YOU were invited to a child’s birthday? How come? I never thought I would get affirmed from someone in their 60’s about non-mother etiquette, but they appear to be the ones with their heads on straight.

Back in their day, the people that attended a kids birthday party were other children and then parents who have the said children whom are attending, and then grandparents, and other family members. Unfortunately recent trends are that friends in general are being invited to children’s parties, regardless of the zero children they have, regardless of their zero interest in attending, and regardless of the fact it’s being held at ten am on a Saturday morning when clearly single folks will be hungover and only interested in nursing coffee and Tylenol on the couch.

The kids birthday party thing is probably what’s pissing me off the most right now. I have been invited to two kids birthdays inside this past month and a half. One I did attend just because the mom though it was SO FUCKING CRUCIAL that I went. Eh, there was a cute boy there, I survived. The second one was a stretch. I think I’ve met that kid a handful of times and talked once, and WHHHHHHHHHHY.

When the moms are upset that I wouldn’t want to come is when I just want to lose all my shit. This is the moment that I screw up and call all kids stupid and tell them that their kids head is shaped funny and where the mom and I ultimately become enemies, because I literally can’t comprehend why I should be forced to go to something that doesn’t apply to me and I REALLY can’t comprehend her attempts to guilt me into it.

I tried to talk to a kid at Pete’s coffee today, I tried to compliment her dress, I really tried. She ended up showing me that it wasn’t a dress but instead a shirt and skirt, as she flashed me there at the condiment car. It was important that I see the separation between the two garments, both a hot pink I might add. I tried to comment further and just got lost calling the outfit a dress again.

There are some days kids are just the worse, then when moms get involved who think that the world spins around them and their motherhood, and this is when I want to start ignoring kids and their mothers all together.

Oh I’m sorry were you talking about your 4 year old’s bounce house? Count me out, bye bye now.

the stroller

I just want to state that I love my sister. Truly and truly and truly I do.

But when she is describing to me her plan to walk about her neighborhood and inspect the sidewalk; the cracks, bumps, and gravel, to then evaluate the kind of stroller she’ll be needing, I feel not only the urge to strangle her but also anyone in the business of supplying strollers.

Now let me just note, she already has a stroller picked out. Her son, my nephew, will not be born until the end of August, but she has had her stroller picked out for over a month.

This was until she realized, “what if the stroller can’t properly manage the state of the sidewalk in the neighborhood we live in?” Now I don’t know where she thinks she is living currently, but it sounds to me like she has her suburban area confused with a mountainous terrain or a spot out in the country where aliens previously landed and left giant craters.

I mean strollers don’t have superpowers…It’s a stroller! Am I right?

Meanwhile my younger cousin is prancing about the yard with her fiance, all a glow in her little sundress with her ring sparkling in the sun. I looked up into the sky and secretly cried help but wine did not suddenly pour out from the clouds and into a large pitcher.

My sister and cousin talked with the moms aunties and grandmas, almost in the fashion of a huddle if that helps you with imagery, to plan their upcoming showers. It’s a moment like in the movies where all these ladies in the same family are sitting around in a circle and laughing and smiling, and I did want to be a part of the circle because of the obvious merriment. However I knew if I went over there they’d be talking about shower dates, changing tables, matching the flowers with the linens and the bridesmaids dresses. So I stayed at the table with the boys who were all focused on distracting one another so they could pour ice down each others shirts.

My sister will be having her baby shower here soon. I want to suggest that she bring her stroller and then load it up with all the baby gifts she receives at the shower to you know, see how it handles the load while taking corners.

The bridal shower for my cousin wont be for a couple of months, so I have some time to buy a really cute sundress somewhere and then also find a reason to be super happy so I can look half as enchanted with life as she does. So drunk then, I’ll probably be drunk.

Maybe I’ll go buy a stroller tonight so I can cart around my bottles of wine to all these showers…..