In this story, 2017 is totally the villain. 

Greetings all, it’s sure been awhile, possibly several years? 

Well the major highlights are me working 80 hours a week, falling asleep at my desk and then falling asleep later at the bar. Great you’re all caught up! 

2017 is doing this thing right now where it’s trying to “win.” I don’t know if I ruffled its feathers in 2016 when I may have said “2017 is going to fucking suck” a lot around November. I don’t know if it took my statements as a challenge and it’s doing its best to live up to its estimation?

I’m a little unsure what “winning” looks like to a year. Do years receive medals or promotions or polite nominations for how many people it convinced to jump off a bridge or leave civilization to dwell in a cave? I figure there has to be an attainable form of award or recognition, otherwise it’s just working very diligently to break me for its own personal reasons. 

This is a small breakdown of how 2017 has attempted to do a shut down (is that basketball?) over just a two month period: 


-Oh my god Trump is going to be the president.

– I quit my job.

– Romantic relatonship ended with female coworker that hadnt even started yet.

– Everyone in friend group coupled off, with each other. 

– Started drinking before any event that required talking to people. Became acquainted with same lyft drivers, lead to confidancy about all issues regarding the plights of parenthood. 

– Downloaded 4 dating apps. 

– Began ordering champagne at bars to feel celebratory, about something. 


– Zero job hits or interviews.

– Trump is really the president now.

– Oh my god can he do that? 

– No that’s gotta be illegal. 

– Attempted to make out with guy I’ve had a long term crush on. 

– Actually made out with guy I detest. 

– Experienced worst hangover of life and crushing regret. 

– Recieved call from younger brother stating that I did in fact kiss long term crush guy but only because he was not able to run away fast enough. 

– Began to eat shredded cheese straight from the bag without even putting it in my hand first.

– Recieved notice that our house is being sold and we have 60 days to move out.

– Saw La La Land in theatre and cried during, and then in the bathroom.

– Job hunting continued on laptop.

– Laptop died.

– Applied for old job at coffee shop.

– Saw La La Land again in theatre, this time cried while singing with Emma Stone, “Here’s to the ones who drrreeaaammm” 

– Completed two interviews at two different law firms, began pros and cons list to decide which one to accept.

– Received rejections from both and began preparation to go back to work at coffee shop. 

– Attempted to do artsy things like drawing, gave up after trying to draw an elephant that looked like a tired possum.

– Received call about interview for job at a non-profit.

– Learned that non-profit has not been started yet, resumed preparation to go back to work at coffee shop.

– Had one night stand to convince self that I’m still desirable. 

– Began to have wine with lunch. 

While that list is daunting, 2017 will not break me because of all these factors: 

– Cheese is delicious.

– I bought the La La Land soundtrack so I can cry in my car and not in public. 

– I’ve moved on from naming my future cat “Roger” because I’ve discovered the name Marlen.

– Champagne is often times on sale at Target.

– I bought a coloring book so I can still be “artsy” underneath the direction of someone else’s actual creativity.

– The apartment complex might have a pool and I haven’t been outside in years! 

– A guy who follows me on Twitter retweeted me the other day, so yeah it’s getting pretty serious.

– Recently discovered how good crepes are.

Is 2017 making a dent? Sure. Has it won? Absolutely not! Am I drunk right now? Nah, just tipsy.


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