In her book Never Have I Ever, Katie Heaney lays it all out on the line and confesses that she is 25 years old and never really been on a second date, much less had a serious relationship.
There are so many points that I could fly off about, there are so many thoughts that this book sparks for me that it took me six or seven rewrites to settle down on even a remotely central theme and what I settled on was when Katie wrote this:
“I wanted something to happen, but I also didn’t necessarily want something to happen.”
I understand, you’re confused. Let me help!
About a week ago when I was sitting at home wondering if The Worker Boy (my coworker who I have a mild crush on and we flirt, but mildly) was going to show up at my door. Had I invited him over? God no. Had I mentioned him coming over? Nope. So what was going on in my mind, that had me looking for him at the door?
Well you see when it comes to men, most of what goes on in my brain is a fantasy.
I looked at the door for The Worker Boy because he had made a comment at work a couple hours earlier about how the two of us would never work out, dating wise. I was crushed! Sort of. I sort of would never date him like ever and at all, but I was under the presumption that his sidelong glances and our sweldering sexual tension really spoke to his undying love for me, his love that I would never return due to my extended shyness, and now he was at home thinking what have I done? How could I say that to her?
I did not have a phone that evening, it wasn’t letting me text or do anything at all as I had told him at work, which is why I knew the only way he could apologize would be to come over.
If you’re thinking that I’m exaggerating this fantasy in some way, I’m so sorry to tell you, this shit is SO real. This is what goes on in my head all the time, it just took someone else to say it first (thanks Katie).
Now most women are like uhh ask him over? What’s the problem? Well first of all I don’t have a phone right now thanks for rubbing that in, and second um asking him over ruins it.
Yes you heard me. RUINS it. All the romance is gone, now he will just come over and we will makeout as a terrible movie plays in the background, and I’ll never know if he can’t go a day without thinking about me or if he turned down a tinder date just to come over here and tell me that he was joking about us never dating and he deleted his tinder and…etc.
If he doesn’t adore me then it just doesn’t work. I don’t know how else to say it. Oh except for this: Fuck Everything that isn’t Fantasy.
Katie writes in her book about her years and years of grade school and awkward adolescence and the billions of unreturned crushes, and then one day in college a boy tells her friend, that he “really likes Katie.” She doesn’t feel the same way or end up dating him but she talked about how shocking it was to have that information. She goes on to state,
“Boys had always been something that lived only in my head, and I forgot they were real.”
This sentence had me almost fall off the couch. I have never met a soul who understood my irrational thought processes on romance and then actually wrote it down and then published it. Is she insane or a genius?
I don’t tell you all of this or explain Katie’s book to say that this is the right way to date or come on ladies, let a man woo you and tell you how special you are! God no. I haven’t been on a date in a year and four months, I would never wish this upon others.
I do tell it to you because there are probably others of us out there. Maybe one of you has a friend of a friend who has never really had a boyfriend and you can’t understand why she can’t tell that guy she likes that she likes him! Hopefully this blog or Katie’s book can act as awareness. Women Infatuated With Wooeing Awareness.
We love those friends though that want us to not be stuck in our minds forever. Who want us to seize the day! Tell them how we feel! Go get some! Like Katie, I love those friends but also like Katie, thank god I live with my best friend who gets me and knows I’m weird and wont convince me to hit on my crush because she knows I’ll hate it.
One last point I will make is how brave I think Katie is for admitting to friends/family/strangers that she has never had a boyfriend. Which leads me to my own confession: neither have I.
I know I talk about “The Ex” but truthfully we went on a handful of dates over the span of 5 months and I stuck with it because I was obsessed with him. One day in his parents living room I asked him if he could make a decision about us and being official, two days later he said I thought about it and that the answer is yes. One week later we “broke up” because he “had a lot on his plate.” (he was picturing naked men on plates). Never once did I introduce him as a boyfriend, or did we call eachother that, or tell other people we were that.
I pretend with people all the time that I’ve had a boyfriend. Maybe they are talking about their ex so you throw in a little “well my ex did this” or what not, to fit in. Katie is the first person who just says it, which makes me almost want to say it.
The very last last thing I promise, is that there is nothing like fantasy and reality coming together even if very briefly. Katie in her book talked about “Spruce”,her long time crush and their slow flirting leading to hanging out. She writes in the book feeling like “this is it.” There’s nothing like it.
I’ve only had reality and fantasy meet up twice, 1. with The Ex, I had liked him for at least two years, the first time he texted me to see if the two of us could hang out just us two, I was at work and I felt so light headed after reading the text that I sort of slid down the door frame like you see girls do in movies.
It’s a place between being so dazed that you could float and being so nervous that you could throw up.
The second time was with Silverfox. After a year of being hardcore obsessed/bordering on stalking him, the first time we started texting back and forth and I was at a bar and got drunk. I ended up texting him that I missed him. The next morning he said he missed me too and suddenly I felt drunk all over again.
All of this may still make no sense to you. Maybe it’s all a little stupid. Katie talks about bawling her eyes out for days and weeks and sitting in her bathroom crying over Spruce after he started seeing a new girl, even though her and spruce had not technically been dating. Similar to me crying myself to sleep with Imogen Heap night after night after the ex and I’s 5 months of hanging out was done. Both of those are better than the many times I cried in bars, outside of apartments, and in front of my parents over Silverfox.
Katie is describing how her parents met at the college cafeteria milk machine and though she doesn’t necessarily want to meet her future fellah there, she did make this statement:
“I do however, want to be seen from afar, and admired, and then wooed. By someone I adore right away. Basically I want to expend minimal effort and have somebody fall madly in love with me just by virtue of being near me for a handful of days, and then it will just work out that we’re perfect for one another. I do not see what the big deal is about that.”
It’s unpractical, and unrealistic, but it’s accurate. Thanks guys for reading this confessional plus not judging me for my obvious obsession/delusional best friendship with the author (good old Katie). Give your irrational friends a hug today huh?