Help! My friends are trying to be helpful!

Aren’t people adorable for wanting to “help” you because you must be so obviously exhausted from being so depressed about being single?

And isn’t it incredibly sweet that these same people are here to assist you in finding someone, because that must be all you truly desire? Because after all, careers don’t matter?

Do you ever get just so so excited when people have advice to give you?

If you responded yes to the first three questions, than you shouldn’t read my blog because it’s focus is usually being annoyed with others and you are way too nice/like people too much. Please see other blogs.

And if you’re unsure of how to answer the first three questions because you really don’t know where I’m going with this and want to play it safe, then let me speed this up.

When you’ve gone so long without dating, people suggest that you try being a lesbian.

“Maybe you could just try it”

My mom told my dad that a couple weeks ago when she was trying to convince him to get started on pepsi one because it’s better for you. He damn well likes the taste of his not healthy regular pepsi, as my mother persisted in the fight for him uniting with the pepsi one she said again:

“you could try it”

Oh okay. Because that’s how it works. Well maybe in the pepsi scenario actually. Trying people is different than trying soda, I would assume.

Here is the scenario that I picture that these “helpful” folks are picturing:

Me: standing in line in the grocery store, when I get a phone call.
*RingRing* (I don’t know how to translate the new iphone ring, sorry)
Me: “Hello?”
Friend: “Hey I was thinking…”
Me: “Yeah?”
Friend: “You haven’t had a guy in awhile. Maybe you should try women.”
Me: “Hmm I never thought of that…thanks!”
*hangup* (this fictitious friend and I don’t believe in parting words)
Me: Scans magazines in line. Kate Bosworth is on the front of one, she’s so pretty! but maybe I’d be more into brunettes. Pick up one with Natalie Portman on the front instead- oh but wait there’s Blake Lively! Darn this is hard. So many women. Should I just buy them all and see which celebrity is easiest for me to get off to? I mean I need to determine my preferred body type and hair color in the women I pick out before I can start dating them. I wonder if any of these magazines could recommend a good lesbian dating site….

A teensy tiny part of me believes that this might be how easy people perceive this to be and it frightens me.

Like I love the fact that two rather attractive girls have hit on me in the past two months, like whooo! I must be electrifyingly hot and or I’m just a real charmer when ordering my boss’s frappachino.

But these ego boosting moments are drowned out by my coworkers and friends responses of hmmm you should ask her out, you should jump on that, hmm maybe you should switch over.

Essentially it’s like take it where you can get it. No guys are hitting on you so you better go with whoever is hitting on you! Hurry up! You don’t have time! You need to be with someone! Find someone that will go out with you at all! That girl said she liked your earrings? Jump over the counter and plant a smooch on her!

Because everyone is so hot on me returning these various women’s affections and lately I’ve just been shrugging and saying “eh, nah” but then they continue to push and now my shoulder hurts from shrugging and my phrase is coming out tongue tied like “hen, ah” so here is a speech I’ve prepared.

Friends, Coworkers, and Others who think they know my life, lend me your ears. I’m working my dream job and about to be promoted and I live with one of my best friends in a beautiful house. I have a fun night job as well and both jobs keep me busy and active. I’m not miserable and you shouldn’t tell me to try women like it’s comparable to trying a new flavor of ice cream, um hello they are people! This concludes my speech and if you are still focused on finding me someone, refer back to men. Thank you.

I might perhaps write that on an index card and have it laminated. On the backside maybe I’ll write about the physical qualities I love in a guy, and then attach my number to a separate card that they can give to said guy upon realizing that he meets my outlined requirements.

Now that is helpful!

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