That delicious and spontaneous moment when you’re sorting through bowls and splenda packets, while sitting on the floor, and you’re ex comes out to you.
Seconds ago he was eating icecream and I was trying to find my favorite beer mug and he starts it all with, “hey I have something to tell you.”
“Sure!” I say, as I hunt through all these bulky plastic bowls that I own but never use because I never bake things. I find more splenda packets and randomly a packet of equal too as he says, “I’m gay.”
He is smiling as he says it which only makes me think that he’s fucking with me. I continue to sort through bowls, but I’m going a little slower now, trying to figure out why he is joking at a time like this, when I can’t find the blue bowl that has the handles and I’m trying to solve the mystery of this equal packet, can’t your little joking game about your changed preference in partners wait?
Suddenly I get it now, my reaction is slow, his face looking down at me filled with sympathy.
So I confirm by saying this obviously very sensitive and intellectual sentence:
“So you’re.. GAY gay?”
“Yes. I’m gay gay.” He said, “I wanted to make sure I told you……because…I care about you.”
There it is. The tone, the way he is looking at me, he isn’t coming out to me he is breaking the news to me.
You poor poor girl. So in love with me. I’m into dicks, so…..
You might as well have ushered me out of the room at that point. There was no recovering from shock and embarrassment simultaneously.
My face was red for the entirety of all the cliche things that stumbled off my tongue for the next five minutes. I’m only half aware of what I said and what he said back but here is a decent jumble of it:
I’m happy for you I’m glad you finally said it we all thought it who have you told what does this mean for you was it hard to tell the first person you get to be the real you now how long have you known we figured you were
In no particular order or specificity, it’s all a blur, everything said under a thick blanket of mortification. He feels sorry for me.
My friend, who he had told first, had apparently jumped up and down and hugged him, where as my reaction was sitting on the ground and looking up at him with bowls in my hands and shock on my face.
Have I known forever and a half that he was gay? Absolutely.
But did I know he was gay? No not really. See how that’s confusing?
As a little background information, I moved in to my friends house with my ex and another friend of ours about a week or so ago. Yeah, shocking that my stripper roommate didn’t work out. Luckily my friend had a room in her house that needed filling so I took it and decided I’d figure out the feelings for my ex later/ignore them.
Obviously the feelings were still present because even with the embarassment at the time, there should have been jumping and there should have been excitement.
Instead I acted in the calm, kept my voice calm, quieter even. I tried to appear normal, and interested in the dynamic of coming out, the experience, etc.
My focus being so bent on not being that poor puppy dog that he felt bad for, I probably appeared the least enthused of anyone he will probably ever come out to.
I wish I had been aware that he knew my feelings so well for him. I wish in the moment I would have thrown my arms around him and told him how happy his news made me. I wish I had believed my own intuition long ago that already told me what he told me today.
I wish I had been thinking of him and not me in that moment.
Wishes only go so far, and what else is there to say about this really, besides the fact that I’m just an idiot?
Hmmmm… that’s why he didn’t respond to those drunk texts I sent him
Hmmm…. that’s why he refused to let me kiss him that night at that wedding
Hmmmmm…. that’s why he seemed more interested in what my brother was up to
I mean I used to think he just wasn’t attracted to me anymore, but it’s all women? I’m really coming out on top here.
When people come out to you, you start remembering all these random things about them that you haven’t thought about in years. Like how I thought I was going to marry him.
Even though he took me on a total of three dates in five months and didn’t want to actually spend much time with me, he was my best friend and I knew there was no guy I’d ever be more up for marrying.
I’ve started thinking about the few times in the past handful of years that I thought we were getting back together. I was always wildly excited, couldn’t eat, and watched my phone without blinking. Always thinking, this time it will happen and this time it will stick.
I suppose it’s a little exciting to know all that bullshit is over, am I right?
Because fuck feelings.
I’m ready for that friendship, where I support him and I’m here for him. Coming out to others will be more difficult and I want to be here for him. It’s time to love the guy who is finally being real with who he is, and put the past aside.
Stay tuned, tomorrow night all the roomies are going out drinking, maybe my ex and I will have the same taste in guys?