what to expect when you’re expecting not to expect anything

I have made the breaking ground decision to no longer expect to date and I know that you are all astounded by it.

“But she dates so much!”
“All she does is date!”


– All the things you won’t be stating or asking because lets be real kids, the last time I went on an actual date was in June, and that boy got on a plane less then two hours later back to the east coast and basically texted that it was nice to meet me. Lets go ahead and pretend together that I never want to break into a factory where they make chocolate fudge after I think about that.

So anyways my decision yes there are reasons for it, and yes I will be providing them to you in list format and yes you will roll your eyes and groan at my predictability and yes it’s such a wonder that I’m alone.

To make it more interesting or less predictable, I will be placing reason number one within this terrible story hope you enjoy.

I was sitting at home when Casey came at me from nowhere. I didn’t know what got into him I just knew that he was in a rage. He coudldn’t control the bottled up hate he had for me, all I knew was to grab what was closest to me to protect myself. The candy dish was closest to me so I grabbed it and threw it at him, hoping it would hit him in the head and bring him to unconciousness until I could get away. The boys weren’t home so I knew I might have to harm Casey in order to escape, and I was prepared to do so. I tried to think of who would know that I was here today at home, and just as I was preparing to scream the neighbors name I looked to my left and Casey had found some cheezits by the garbage can and now had dismissed the fact that I had forgotten to feed him that day. Silly hamsters.

I cannot state this enough. The boys here are the worst. They are absolute ignorant morons. They drive around in their gigantic trucks, they lack sense of humor and any desire to explore the world outside of this city. Intellect is not a priority when all you do is go to the gym and work on your biceps. Have you ever heard of cardio? Do you ever want to not look like you’re on steroids?

I continue to live here in my hometown with these fools because I work for a non-profit in the area and I really have a passion for the work they do. You know that I must really love the job because I daily walk by men who will never know the feel of a slim or boot cut jean with a button up shirt, because they’re too busy getting those hats that I don’t even know what the name is, or they are working on putting more cross tattoos on their body.

This next reason you will have to fish out of this probably not even translated correctly paragraph in french.

Cette bouteille I d’eau est rose. Gagner cette bouteille d’eau signifie work beaucoup pour moi et je ne sais pas ce que je ferais sans two elle. Je savais que j’etais devenue une femme lorsque j’ai recu cette bouteille d’eau et je savais que jobs la vie ne serait jamais la meme.

That’s right you thought I was the laziest shit in the world but I currently work two jobs, one in the food service, my night job, because the non-profit doesn’t pay near enough for me to live in an apartment with an ex-stripper and her three animals. I try to go out on the weekends with my few handful of friends but I’m usually tired and pass out or want to pass out after having two beers.

The third reason I’ll just tell you, because I’m sure you thought I was going to create a portrait of a unicorn next and make you find the words in their bedazzled manes and I’ve decided not to put you through that. The third reason is that with me having bills to pay, and being just straight up tired when I go out, I don’t get drunk that often. Which really boils down to: I don’t talk to men.

The one thing I had going for myself last summer was that I was unemployed with plenty of money saved, and almost every weekend I was drunk. My friends and I would go out dancing every weekend and I had numerous “conversations” and then actual conversations with random men. Without large amounts of alcohol I’m about as awkward with boys as I normally would be, so picture kirsten stewarts acting but much worse and more playing with my hair but probably less scowling.

So anyways my decision to not be expecting to date is a weird one and it’s also been done millions of times before by many single women such as myself.

I’m extremely aware I’m not the first girl to do this. We all hear all the time about those girls who take a year off of dating, or they decide to wait to date until they’ve worked on themselves, etc. We all know those decisions are often made by girls who weren’t dating much anyways, and now they’re “taking a break” from it? Ohhhkayyyy.

It’s totes lame and sad and all that, I realize. But sometimes the constantly single need some sort of justification or some reason. You don’t want to think that it’s just you, that you are undesirable because that last date you went on was so long ago you forget what his name was and where you guys went for coffee, or was is chinese?

So this is my sad and pathetic justification method to pick my self esteem and confidence back up out of the gutter and set aside that expectation that I “should be” dating and admit that dating is not realistic right now.

So the pressure’s off, I can be wild! Wild and free! Wild and free in my dreams because I think I’ll be napping. G’ Night friends.


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