one more word about this flippin sea

Hi, you’re 19 years old, you know nothing about the sea.

You haven’t been around long enough to really see the sea, you wouldn’t know the sea if it crashed over you,

DO NOT TELL ME I’LL FIND FISH IN IT

This god damn mother fucking phrase.

“Plenty more fish in the sea”

It’s just not true, it really isn’t.

When your male 19 year old coworker informs you that there are plenty more fish in the sea go ahead and inform him that his head is stuck in his ass. Or go ahead and give him this speech/rant that I thought up after the fact:

This finding fish in the sea business is like trying to find a red solo cup that someone hasn’t drank out of already when you arrive at a party after 2 am. Whatever cup you are picking up at that point actually belongs to someone else (referencing the act of cheating) or you search high and low for a damn cup and you can’t find one so you grab a bottle and drink straight from it (referencing the act of binge drinking instead of sitting sober and alone in your apartment).

Looking for a red solo cup after 2 am and looking for “fish” in your mid 20’s result in the same sad drunken conclusion and the only thing you’ve found is a couch to pass out on.

Here is the thing, people mean for this phrase to be encouraging, and that’s sweet, but it’s also really dumb. People who don’t even know anyone who is single at your age still state this pathetic phrase to you. Want to trip them up? Ask for an example. Watch them scramble around in their brain trying to remember someone who is not in a relationship.

They’ll usually reach the same person in the end, someone you have all known for awhile, who works at blockbuster and lives with his mom and you just go right on ahead and let that friend know that that is not a fish they just mentioned, that’s the moss growing on the side of a rock. If you squint too hard while underwater it could almost look like the shape of a really round fish but lets be real.

And then your friend will say oh come on! There are plenty of guys out there.

Feel free to then tell your friend about all the guys you’ve met recently.

The guy at the grocery store who seems to be stocking things every tuesday night when you’re there, and you chat it up with him occasionally. Guess what? He’s married.

The guy who always wears plaid shirts and grey sweaters and smiles at you and gets his coffee around the same time as you, has a kid, and is trying to work things out with the kids mom, as you learn when he tells the barista.

The guy who came out with a friend of a friend and was cute and ordered the same beer as you and then ordered another when his girlfriend arrived.

The guy who lives below you in your new apartment complex looked cute from a far until you heard him bang his older and extremely overweight girlfriend at all hours of the night and then also you see him up close and you were wrong about the cute part.

The techie guy who you recently made first attempts to flirt with fills you in on how he has been married for years and is younger than you.

That customer who bartends nearby and always chats it up with you has recently been bringing up his new girlfriend and how he is cleaning their apartment to impress her parents.

That hipster guy who is in your friends band liked one of your pictures and then posted a picture of the rose he was giving the “girl of his dreams”.

Hey I’m just saying, you give your friend all that to chew on I guarantee they will never use that phrase again.

These are just a handful of examples of the “fish in my sea” that aren’t fish at all because they are not available to be fished.

Maybe when you’re 19 though and you’re meeting people in your classes, at parties, through your retail job with other 19 year olds, and in your dorms and student-filled apartment complexes, there’s too many fish to know what to do with.

Like you have to divide your fish out. Salmon this night and some eel this weekend but then come monday I really gotta see about that trout (how often do people really eat trout? Do I know anything about this?) and your sea is full whoop-de-da-de for you.

But the fish have been plucked when you’re a post grad in your mid 20’s.

That’s something that a 19 year old wouldn’t know and apparently not my mother either.

Though she has stopped it with the fish line and has now reverted simply to just “you could meet someone tomorrow”

I sometimes almost reply back with “I probably will, and he will probably be gay.”

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