I didn’t feel up to coyly planting this one in bold halfway through the blog. Isn’t fast delivery just more satisfying?
A couple of posts back I wrote these words:
“I’d rather take my chances with an alcoholic stripper thank you very much.”
Guys, my blog is a wishing well.
A wishing well in which all your sarcastic comments come true, and happen, and are real. Then the wishing well laughs in your face when you sleep.
Not even a week into living together, I left my new sweet roommate in our new apartment and went out for groceries.
When I arrived home my roommate was belligerent drunk and confessing that she has been a stripper for seven years.
Now even though I think living with a stripper is really the most hilarious thing that I would ever do, I’m not going to pretend that it hasn’t messed with my mind a little.
Take for example ten minutes after she told me she was a stripper, she continued talking or slurring rather, to me a about a lot of things, and suddenly all I could think was: is she on drugs?
She wasn’t drunk when I left…. I wasn’t gone that long….How did she get so drunk?
If she hadn’t told me she was a stripper I would have been comfortably amused at her drunken babble, assuming it was all alcohol ensued, but instead I jumped to drugs and I spent at least 45 min in a private pit of remorse that I was now living with an addict.
To put everyone’s fears at ease, she is not on drugs, she was only drunk, and she actually has been not stripping for the past six months and just bartending for the time being.
It appears as if I may have also gotten the “alcoholic” part of my wish as well, because this girl has nursed at least three bad hangovers in the now week and a half we have lived together.
Step right up folks! Type your wish into my blog post in the most sarcastic fashion you can and wait for your dreams to appear magically!
What I think about most is the way into which I will eventually break this news to my married friends. Is that sick? To picture their reactions over and over, not even sure if they will be surprised, amused, of if they’ll just go home and be outraged?
I picture them barely able to contain their “oh my god” or “can you believe it” as they walk quickly to their cars away from the dinner place in which I’ve delivered the news – have I put too much thought into this? – they talk of nothing else as they drive home, and shake their heads silently to themselves after the topic of my new roommate has been exhausted.
And why I understand their worry in regards to me, I also understand that some of them have never taken a step inside of a club before, and their probable picture of a stripper is probably someone shopping at a sex shop in only a thong, instead of wearing jeans and a hoodie to home depot like the rest of us.
If I learn more about strippers, strip clubs, etc through my roommates continued drunken rambles, which I feel there will be plenty of seeing as how she’s yet to buy food, yet has gone through two boxes of wine, I’ll make sure and report back.
My stripper roommate and I went to sushi today, strippers like sushi too! You’re welcome for relaying this ultra top secret knowledge. When my book “Secrets of the Stripper” comes out you can say you read it here first, again you’re welcome.