“Shyward” and blame placing

So many exciting things have happened lately!

Oh wait, that’s someone elses life.

My life is the one where I don’t know how to talk to boys.

I made eye contact with the ground when the cute guy who works at my gym, whom I will forever love, tried to wish me a good rest of my day.

This past weekend I attempted to go off beer and also developed a crush on a gay guy, so there’s that.

I told a guy who comes into my work to have a goodnight at school. In my defense, that did seem witty and clever because it was indeed night time and he was going to school.

But I’m not awkward, right?

I really would like to go on pretending that it’s all shyness. That it’s endearing and adorable how I can’t spout out more then a sentence if you’re a male and I find you attractive.

It’s cute……isn’t it? Oh God what if it’s not.

Shy > Awkward. It’s a fact.

Shyness is okay. Shy is perfect in movie world let me tell you. Uncertainty and looking down and being timid are all ways to ensure that boys will run laps around you, because chick flicks are based on reality right?

When you’re awkward though, tsk tsk. Shame on you, you’re a weirdo.

I mean what is a girl to do? Can I take a pill that slowly eradicates awkwardness out of my body through my nasal passages? Or is awkwardness like herpes and it sort of stays with you forever, even though you have bouts of normalcy?

Is there a book on this?

I like to place the blame on my shy/awkward, “Shyward”, tendencies on my mother issues if I may. It’s only natural to place responsibility on your upbringing when you’re 25 and single, am I right?

Growing up my mom always pointed out that women who chased after men were desperate and or needy. Doing a tad bit of chasing after boys in junior high and highschool, I was usually displeased with the results and wondered if my mother was right.

Now as an adult I’m stuck in this place of feeling that being forward with a guy is basically the end all. It’s the lowest level and the desperate hole of singledom that sinks all your dignity. That is unless there are large quantities of alcohol, because then anything is possible and permissable.

Now that I’ve placed blame on my mother and her moral standards that indicate I’m worthy of being pursued by a man and not the other way around, I will go ahead and blame a man of my past.

I was 15, he was 16, and I had gotten him a teddy bear that was holding a heart, for valentines day. We were not boyfriend and girlfriend and in fact our relationship was rather secret, and according to him that was because he was not allowed to have a girlfriend. Don’t laugh.

He took the bear and said that he had meant to pick me up a card while he was at Payless, and forgot. Magical moments.

It’s situations like those where you just feel icky. Icky because you put yourself out there and now you’re an idiot who is out ten bucks so you could have almost gotten a card from Payless.

This part of the story will forever confuse me, does Payless sell cards?

So anyways, though I loathe my shyward ways, I feel much worse when I’m doing too much and trying too hard, and obviously making a fool out of myself.

So don’t buy a bear holding a heart and give it to a boy. You should instead go to build a bear and construct a bear in the boy-you-aren’t-officially-datings likeness and then introduce it to the guy as “our baby boy”, that’s the point I’m trying to make.

If you sometimes misconstrue sarcasm, please disregard my last paragraph.


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