in times such as these

In the ploy to distract myself from lack of men, I have decided to take up gardening.

Ha! Gotcha.

Gardening, Laugh Out Loud. Absolutely not.

I have however been watching incredible amounts of television, making tubs of pasta each night, going to bed early, and leaning how to knit.

Yeah that last one was a lie also. Really guys, this is too easy.

My dry spell probably wouldn’t feel as extreme if there was someone else in my position to revel in the boredom. A friend, co-worker, neighbor, anyone that could share in the lack luster go around of each day, where attractive men seem scarce and the only texts you receive are from your sister, talking about the irregularity of her babies sleeping schedule.

Now I’m not trying to make my two very good friends – who I’ve actually allowed to read this blog – feel bad for the fact that they are dating really great guys. Both of my friends have liked these guys for a long time, and are at long last dating them! It’s crazy awesome and exciting!

Meanwhile however, I’m trying to develop attraction for the guy who wears an orange shirt to the gym every day and appears to have no use for any piece of equipment other then the treadmill.

It’s crazy what you’ll settle for. These are dangerous times.

You’ll flirt with a not so cute and even irritating guy at a bar in hopes to exchange numbers, so you can text back and forth the following evening, as you endure commercials and wait impatiently for New Girl to come back on.

Or you’ll scan the aisles at church looking for someone minimally attractive and in your age group, and maybe when the service ends you can walk slowly past him, so he will then become filled with passion for knowing all there is to know about you. He will talk with you all the way to the parking lot, where he will ask if he can see me again tomorrow and then….

I will stop now, because I fear that you’ll believe me to be delusional. Which I am! So you’re right on point, bravo.

You’ll be shocked to know that these small distractions and ridiculous fantasies actually provide a service! They give you alternatives to think about, that do not end in texting your ex. And in this, I am spared much self loathing.

Drinking while alone is a terrible idea, let me just tell you. In this period of time alcohol is not your friend unless you are out and needing liquid courage to talk to a scrumptious man. I have not drank by myself in several weeks because it’s honestly just asking for an embarrassing slurred phone call to Silverfox or a sad plea of attention in the direction of my ex.

There are signs, at least for me, that let myself know when I’m in one of these ruts where not only is there no boy that I’m dating (this is most of the time) but also no boy that I’m interested in (which is rare) and the signs are as follows.

1. Celebrity Obsessions. Oh yes indeed, never has the show Supernatural ever occurred such a devoted fan. Two hunks, who are joined by a third hunk in the fourth season, who all fight bad guys together and then share their feelings? Yes please.

2. TV Show Obsessions. The Voice is a show where singers compete, and it’s episodes air on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday and are basically the highlight of my week. I race home from work to watch it, then I tweet about it, then I go online to read about it, then I do it all again the following day. Sick people, I’m sick.

3. Food Obsessions. So much thought is placed upon: When will I eat? Will I feel like eating that later on? Everything is dictated by cravings and all cravings have to be met. Gone are the days in which I ate something I didn’t feel like eating for the sake of getting a meal in, because now I have to be satisfied with each intake of food. I was almost late to work the other day, due to driving out to a further deli because I was in the mood for their specific type of bread.

4. Cleaning Obsessions. Beginning to realize that certain aspects of your room are more organized and that you’ve become very reliable about washing dishes.For awhile I was coming home everyday and cleaning the kitchen fairly automatically, but then it became very important suddenly. I stopped changing out of my work clothes before starting the cleaning process and wouldn’t even answer my phone when it rang until the cleaning was done. One night my brother and his friends had made a huge feast for themselves and my dad asked me not to clean it up because my brother needed to. I waited all but two minutes before cleaning it anyway.

There is still room to hope though, last night I went out with some friends and a boy came, a cute boy, who is a friend of my friends. He seems nice and I definitely felt shy around him and I sincerely hope this builds up to a large crush or even just a drunken flirtatious evening or two. Please oh please.

Well time for me to stop pining for male attention, these chocolate chip cookies aren’t going to bake themselves.

2 thoughts on “in times such as these

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